Another Awkward Week [9.19.14]

Oh mylanta. Is Friday finally here?! This was my first full five day week since Memorial Day – we get half day Fridays during the summer (I know, I know, I’ll never complain about my job again), then it was Labor Day, then we did some travelling and I don’t know what it is about this oneee extra day of work but I am struggling.

Woof.

Case in point: I just wrote a whole blog post about my week but only one of the stories was even remotely funny so I deleted the rest. Excellent use of my work time, methinks.

What’s the winning story that was keeping it awkward this week?

These Shoes:

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I’ve mentioned before that I have a bad habit of sitting pretzel style at my desk. This causes the foot under my behind to fall asleep, so when I get up to go to the printer – or, more likely, the vending machine – I have a hard time walking and occasionally stumble.

Wa-hellll. This week I was rocking these sassy tall wedges like a boss bitch and also eating canned lentil soup like a cheap lazy person and also sitting full pretzel like a Liz Hobag. I finished my soup (meh) and got up to bring my dishes to the kitchen and my left foot was in full REM sleep. I walked out of my office, turned towards the kitchen, attempted to put weight on my left leg but the combo of sleep tingles + 4 inch wedges was too lethal and I bit it.

Like…fully fell down, to the ground, sprawled on the floor,lunch dishes scattering…including a paring knife which nearly impaled me…bit it.

One colleague ran out of his office to see if I was OK.

Another, who knows me better just laughed at my plight.

“Did you actually just fall down?” she asked, as I lay on the floor.

SHO DID.

It was quite the scene, guys.

I have also apparently learned zero lessons as I currently sit here typing with one wedge encased foot pretzelled up under my buns of steel.

Bets on how long I go before I faceplant on the carpet again? I’m hoping I can make it a full week but that might be too bold a goal.

THE END.

Cool story, bro. I know! I’ll do better next week, I swickety swear. Now I must go hide in my office and speed-read 100 pages of our office book club book before our meeting at noon today. Wish me luck!

And how was YOUR week? Long? Short? Sexy? Delightful? Perplexed? Obtuse? Any other cool adjectives I can’t think of at the moment? Do tell!

xoxo Liz Ho

PS – on a more serious and personal note, an uncle of mine passed away last weekend and his services are being held this morning. I wasn’t able to make the trip to be there, but my mind is in PA. If you wouldn’t mind turning your thoughts there as well for a brief moment to send a little love & care to my aunt and family, I’d surely appreciate it.

 

One Awkward Month!

Brian and I have officially been married for one month! And, honestly, the only awkward thing is how earnestly cheesy and romantical I’ve become.

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

I can’t even bring myself to type “barf.” Marriage is ruining me.

Kidding. Kidding. It’s the best ever.

Before I ramble on any further – and y’all know I’ll be a-ramblin’ – a quick note that all photos shared here today are from our professional photographer Kylene Lynn Photography. Kylene is amazing and I’d recommend her in a heartbeat to any Central PA brides-to-be (or grooms-to-be! #gendernorms). If you are going to share any of these in any way like pin them or I don’t know, email them to your grandma or whatever, please credit Kylene! NO I am not so vain as to actually think you’re going to like, create a whole magazine of my personal wedding photos but I don’t know how the internet works and just want to make sure I’m giving credit where credit is due!

OK I’m a psycho. MOVING ON!!

What have I learned in the month we’ve been married? Well! Did you know that during World War II the US Armed Forces trained a regiment to fight on skis in the traditional Alpine style? This skill was used but once and doesn’t actually seem to have been that successful but, the more you know!

I realize this has nothing to do with me, or with Brian, or with marriage but I learned it last week, post-wedding so…it counts?

To be honest, not much has changed in the day-to-day in the last month of our lives. We were already living together (whoops), had a joint checking account, and shared a closet. We’ve felt “married” for a long time and now it’s just legally binding. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of ladymag worthy insights on marriage in the months and years to come but for the past 30 days, I’ve just been enjoying the ride.

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

It’s so much fun to call Brian my husband. I find any excuse to bring it up – on the phone with random work colleagues, in line at the grocery store, to my coffee cart guy. I especially like putting on a sort of character, the lovingly exasperated wife. This past week I was in a taxi at 6 PM on my way to meet Brian at the airport and my driver asked me what time my flight was.

“Oh, not until 9:15″ I said. And then, with a knowing chuckle and a slight shake of the head, “But my husband loves to get to the airport hours early.”

Oh, that husband!

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

Did I mention he’s a part time GQ model?! Like, seriously.

I also enjoy coming up with clever new nicknames playing off husband. I think hubby sounds so cheesy…we can do better. Some gems:

  • Husbo
  • Hubba Bubba
  • Hubarino
  • Hubble Telescope
  • Barney Hubble

and my personal favorite:

L. Ron Hubbard

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

I crack myself up.

Honestly, if I have actually learned one thing in the month since we’ve been married, it is that I really, really and I mean REALLY like looking at photos of myself.

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

Oh wait…I already knew that.

I actually think I look like a total goofball in that photo. I’m vain enough to admit I can work it with a grin but the smize? Niet zo much. America’s Next Top Model, I ain’t.

I have officially decided to change my last name, though I’m planning to continue using my maiden name at work. Though I’ve gone through zero of the legal steps to make this happen, it has been very fun to gradually transition into my new identity. Receiving birthday cards in the mail this week has been a hilarious example of my general confusion over the matter. I received cards addressed to: Mrs. Elizabeth Scott, Liz Scott (!!!), Elizabeth Hohenadel Scott and Elizabeth Hohenadel/Scott.

I think the Hohenadel – slash – Scott is my favorite and most accurately representing of my current state.

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

Why pick one when I can just mix and match! Keep it fresh!

I am planning to do some little recaplets of some wedding business and by recaplets I really mean recap + whatever suffix means XXXXXXTRA long because, let’s be real here. I’m going to do these once a week on Wednesdays because Wedding Wednesday is alliterative and like any basic bitch, I love me some alliteration. Also, doing wedding posts once per week allows those who don’t care about weddings AT ALL to not read and those who ONLY care about weddings to only read those posts. And, most importantly, it helps me continue my previously stated goal of extending this JUST MARRIED attention as long and strong as I can.

Except this week I’m doing Wedding Tuesday because our anniversary is Tuesday and  twice per week is more than my lazy bones can handle. I guess I could do like…non alliterative wedding posts on Tuesdays from here on out but that’s just not as cute. Ugh, life is so hard sometimes. Am I overthinking this whole thing?

NEVER!

Ok so just one more gratuitous smooching shot…

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

and, OK FINE a photo of the wedding party…

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

and ALRIGHT ALRIIIIGHT, a hilarious dance scene…

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

A little bit softer now!

View More: http://kylenelynn.pass.us/brianlovesliz

My brother is the best.

And I’m out of here. Stop begging me to post more wedding photos! I’m going to look like I’m obsessed with myself and my HUSBANDDDD or something! How embarrassing.

Blowing this exit, Liz. Shut it down.

xoxo M(r)s. Elizabeth Hohenadel / Scott

Another Awkward Week [9.12.14]

Hiii guys! What’s up?! Guess where I am?! MAINE! Pretty cool stuff, huh? I posted this from my cellular phone because I am a hip millennial. I know what’s up.

JK I don’t have a clue. But it’s OK because I’m turning 30 in TWO DAYS so I don’t need to worry anymore about technology and apps and twerking and any of that young people stuff. I’m officially and oldster and THANK GOD. I’ve been patiently awaiting the day when I could start unironically wearing holiday themed sweater sets and listening to Joni Mitchell all day and my time is almost here. BOOM. But enough about my impending old age for the moment…I have some deeper thoughts to share on that next week.

Do try not to die of anticipation in the meantime.

Ok enough jibberbabber, these lobster rolls aren’t going to eat themselves. Let us all gather round, join hands and take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

 

This Chocolate Fountain:

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HOLY YUM.

We went to a wedding last weekend (and are attending another tomorrow!) and they had so much amazing food, I honestly think I gained 14 lbs before the day was through. hashtag worth it. hashtag bigtime.

One of the highlights of the evening was the chocolate fountain and then another highlight was watching me try to scrub chocolate out of my dress.

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Oh did I mention the dress was borrowed?! 

Sorry, Mary! I love you!

Don’t worry, I took it to get dry-cleaned.

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The cleaner was super impressed with my spillage skillz. In addition to the obvious chocolate stain, there was another lighter blob running down the front of the skirt.

“What’s this?” He asked. “Water stain?”

“WATER?!” I chortled. “OH that, good sir, is wine.”

You literally can not take me anywhere.

#literally

This Cup:

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Guys, I went to get an iced coffee yesterday morning and when I tried to put my straw in the lid it had no straw hole!! WHAT! So I went to the counter to ask for another lid and she exasperatedly told me those were the only lids they had.

Like I was the obnoxious moron asking for a lid with a straw hole.

Am I living in an alternate reality? Are we no longer doing straw holes? Out of trend for Fall 2014?

Help me.

This Finger:

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Good news is the knife set we received as a wedding gift is S-H-A-R-P!

Bad news is I’m a spaz and now missing a large chunk out of the top of my finger.

Oucherson.

I was rushing around to get dinner on the table because despite my protestations to the contrary last week, I do NOT know how to go with the flow and was having a light about how it was Sunday night and I needed to eat a healthy dinner and it was already 8 PM and I need to go to bed at 9 PM and there’s so much to DOOO and slice: right into my fingie. It hurt so much! And bled all over the place.

Lesson learned: CHILL OUT.

JK but I’m working on it.

Also thank GAWD this happened after the wedding, seeing as how it’s my ring finger. Would have looked real cute.

Some women like to draw further attention to their engagement/wedding ring fingers by adding a little gems or designs to that finger nail (I like to judge these women because come on, girls, you already have a ring…we get it) but I’m taking it a fun, sassy step further by accessorizing with a gaping wound and huge bandage.

Now THAT is what’s Hot for Fall 2014.

This Shirt:

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Photo taken on a different day…same week…as the photo above. I think I need to spice up my wardrobe.

This shirt unbuttons really easily around the booble region. It’s not a huge deal, it is barely noticeable and usually I catch it but apparently not always. The other  morning I came up out of the subway lugging my big bag, walked a few feet and caught the eye of a woman and thought she was smiling at me so I smiled back and then I realized she was actually silently mouthing something at me.

I focused.

“Youuurrrrr braaaaa” her mouth said, soundlessly.

I looked down and sure enough, my entire left boob was hanging out.  And I mean all of it. OUT.

The shirt had not only unbuttoned but fallen fully open and the whole thing was out there for the world to see.

Luckily the actual boob itself was still covered…but by THE most sensible nude bra imaginable so…maybe worse?

Oy yoy yoy! Happy Morning, New York.

This Hot Look:

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OH YES the laundry backpack still lives! I decided to multitask the other night by getting happy hour beers with a pal whilst simultaneously doing laundry at the laundromat across the street, which resulted in this SEXXXXYYYY look of me sipping IPA’s with my laundry backpack strapped high and proud.

2 KEWL!

And that was my week! If you would like to read more about awkwardness, someone wrote a hella long, boring, overly introspective article about it for the New Yorker this week. Apparently people enjoy awkward humor because we live in a post 9-11 world and something about our parents never teaching us about sex? Or something? I don’t know. I couldn’t get through it. A little too intellectual for my taste but maybe you’ll enjoy it?

You snob!

Just kidding. Have a fabbo weekend, my chicklets. Any fun plans?!

xoxoox 29 YEAR OLD LIZ LIVE FROM MAINE!!!

Another Awkward Week [9.5.14]

Hi guys!!! TGIF! Except I forgot it was F because of the FDW!

(Four Day Week)

But now it is the weekend and we can part-ay! H!

(Hooray!)

Acronyms don’t always work, do they?

Actually I kind of forgot it was Friday because I seem to have lost complete track of what day it is, where I am, what is going on. After travelling for the wedding (I just got married! NEVER FORGET!), Fire Island and Labor Day I am having a hard time getting back onto a normal routine. And life will continue to be nutty for the next few weeks. Tomorrow we’re going to New Jersey for a wedding for someone else, which people tell me means I’m not the one walking down the aisle? I don’t really understand what that means…I’m not the bride and center of attention? WHAT?!

I may need to be restrained.

J to the K – congratulations Kathryn & Mike! Can’t wait to celebrate!

And then next weekend we’re going to Maine for one day and then New Hampshire for another wedding (bitches be really committed to stealing my thunder) and thennn it is my 30th Birthday! Old lady alert. And then it is Brian’s 30th Birthday the weekend after! (I’m a cougar.) So basically my life will continue to be kind of crazy for the next few weeks and I have decided I am ok with this. Normally this would stress me out, because I like clear cut routines and schedules but I am “going with the flow.” That’s a thing right? I am just going to be “casual” and “fun” and keep drinking too much and eating crap and not worry about the gym and do my best at work and not have a heart attack if I don’t get my meal plan written out by Sunday night and (gasp!) don’t know what I’m eating every meal every day and maybe even stay up past 10 PM on weeknights (!!!) and just go with the flow.

It’s happening!

As a result of this, I’m not super organized for my usual recap but here are a few things that defined my week:

Marriage:

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We’ve been married for a mere 21 days (traditional 21 Day Anniversary gift is over sharing about your personal life on the internet) and are already fulfilling so many Married Couple cliches. Por ejemplo:

  • Last weekend we went bowling with another couple Saturday night and then Sunday…we went to Lowes.
  • Foregoing intercourse because “it’s just too hot out to try.”
  • Calling it “intercourse.”
  • JK I always call it that, it’s hilarious.
  • The other night when Brian was in one room doing his Fantasy Football draft and I was in the other room vacuuming and looking at Pinterest.
  • “Babe, I appreciate that you did the dishes and hate to be a nag, but how many times do I have to tell you, if you just stack the bowls like that they won’t dry!”

We are basically the living version of Everybody Loves Raymond. HELP!

Fantasy Football: 

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Speaking of Fantasy Football! In addition to the league he was drafting for while I was wifeing it up in the other room, Brian does a league with his high school friends, which I have played in for the past few years. It’s too hard to get everyone together to draft so we do an Auto Draft, which is where the computer just picks teams for you. It’s not ideal but I usually finish in the top 3 so I’m all aboard.

UNTIL this year! After the draft, I went to Yahoo to check my team and saw they had a “Draft Report Card” and I’d gotten a B.

A B??? But, I’m a straight A student! What is this, 11th Grade Math? (Actually, if it was 11th Grade Math, I actually would have gotten a C minus and my teacher would have humiliated me in front of the entire classroom by telling me that maybe my younger and smarter brother should have tutored me…but that is a different story for a different day. CLEARLY not over it.)

But seriously…a B? The pain got worse. The Report Card includes notes on your draft. Mine begins: “Susan B. Anfernee was handed a solid draft position and apparently they saw that as an opportunity to blow it.”

WHAT!!! Screw you, Yahoo!! I didn’t blow it! YOU blew it! I didn’t even draft…the computer drafted for me and now the computer is telling me that I BLEW IT?! HELL NAW.

Offensive.

I do realize that I’m yelling at a computer about a fake football team and that’s a little insane but no one has been that mean to me since my 11th Grade Math Teacher!!

I might need to get over it…

Also yes my team is called Susan B. Anfernee. Because of Feminism. And Mean Girls. Duh!

Coffee:

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I really need to give up coffee because A) I’m addicted and B) it gives me a tummy ache and C) I keep spilling it all over the place.

Also do you like how I artfully styled that photo with the roses and the mess? The juxtoposition of beauty with disaster is a reflection of the mysogonistic humanitarian struggle affecting the earth and also it is about death. And sex. And my mom.

JK it’s just a stupid picture.

I don’t really care for art.

Annnd that’s it. THAT IS IT! What are you beauties up to this weekend?

I am going to go do some work and then go to happy hour and then go to this wedding and then who even knows what, I sure don’t because I’m going with the flow! I’m just a laid back cool cat taking life one day at a time, who even cares what happens and OH MY GOD where is my day planner and what’s for lunch and I haven’t checked weather.com in 4 minutes AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Smoochies!

One Awkward Mini-Moon

Guten tag, amigos! Summer is over and it’s suddenly 9,000 degrees. Perfect time to reminisce about our lil mini-moon.What is a mini-moon, you ask? Well it is when you take a short trip after your wedding (hence “mini”) and then take a long trip later and call the second one your honeymoon so you can justify taking multiple weeks off work and also extending the length of time you can drag attention outta your newlywed situation.

No shame in this game.

 

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Look at us mini-mooning. We are so white. My sister commented that all I need is a big floppy hat and I’m basically starring in a Nancy Meyers movie. Later that night I wore white on white. I am taking to this waspy Liz Scott life REAL quick.

Anyway! In March over Brian’s school spring break and my personal spring break that I’m taking even though I have a major book coming out 2 days later (whoops?) (but it’s ok b/c it’s our HONEYMOOOON!), we’re going to do a big adventcha all around Southeast Asia: Thailand, Laos, Vietnam. I mean, we haven’t planned one second of it but in our imaginations it is quite the wild and perfect trip.

Any tips?

We knew we wouldn’t have the time or energy right after the wedding for our dream vacation, but did want to get away so we planned a little mid-week getaway the week after the wedding to our favorite local beach Fire Island which is the best place on earth because you don’t need a car to get there or to get around there. Everyone walks around pulling wagons or riding bikes, everything is casual and relaxed and low key. Fun Fact: Tina Fey has a vacation home in one of the towns there. We have yet to hang out but it should be any day now.

At any rate, Fire Island kind of has two parts – one which is more family oriented, where we’ve vacationed before with friends – and one that is known as more of a gay party scene. You may have seen this part portrayed in the opening minutes of that HBO movie The Normal Heart and it is AMAZING. Lots of beautiful, oiled up gay men men drinking and cavorting around the seaside. I stopped watching after 20 minutes because I heard it gets sad and (spoiler alert!) Tim Riggins gets AIDS and dies and I just don’t see myself coming back from that sort of trauma.

We found a cute little guest house to rent for a few days that had a private deck, a kitchenette and was just a block back from the beach that happened to be on the gay party side in the town of Cherry Grove. A few weeks before the ‘moon, we had drinks with a colleague of Brian’s, who frequents this side of the island and participates in the festivities and were telling him all about the cute place we rented – close to the beach, the general store and this beautiful wooded forest area.

“Oh yeah. You mean the meat rack!” he replied.

“The what now?!!!?”

Turns out, the “beautiful wooded forest” area just steps from our newlywed cottage connects Cherry Grove with The Pines, the other hot gay party spot and is known as quite the locale for revelers to go get some strange.

It is at this moment I was almost saddened by how open minded Brian and I are. What a dream comedy film this would be. A sheltered young couple goes off on a romantic honeymoon only to find themselves in the midst of a wild gay party week! She accidentally does ecstasy. He ends up covered in body glitter. Shenanigans ensue and they leave the trip a better, happier couple than arrived.

Instead it was just us, two jaded New Yorkers who thought they’d seen it all.

Bring on the Meat Rack!!!

I’ll go right ahead and ruin the anticipation by revealing that we did not see anyone getting bajiggity in the forest. We DID however, see about 800 dongs, 900 butts, 50,000 ladybushes and more boobies than a 12-year-old virgin could ever fathom seeing in his whole life. Turns out, Cherry Grove is a nude beach!

And by nude, oh we mean NUDE. There’s another nude spot on the other end of the island where we’d vacationed with friends in the past which is frankly, a little underwhelming. Nude bathers have these funny shield things, almost like a tent with no top (even their tents are topless, ho ho!) which still provides privacy despite their lack of apparel. We imagined we’d encounter the same sort of situation but oh no, friends, this was a whole new ball game. And by “ball,” I do mean of the male anatomy sort, of which we saw so many, they haunt our dreams.

Bathers in Cherry Grove don’t bother with modesty shades. They walk their dogs, stroll the coastline, swim, eat sandwiches, do pushups, hunt for sea shells, anything you might do on a regular beach vacation but naked as the day they were born.

It was…definitely something.

I don’t mean to be unkind, I’m sure these were all lovely people but, as with most situations where nudity is approved, none of the participants were people I’d actually want to see nude. NOW, I think all bodies are beautiful and everyone is special but we did not take the subway to the train to the other train to the ferry allll the way out to this sexy gay party island to see a bunch of normal people walking around in the buff. Enough with these reggos – where were all the toned, oiled up young men and porn star lesbians?!

I will ruin any other anticipation by revealing that we did not sunbathe starkers. We briefly considered it but chickened out. I did go topless, how Euro, for about 12 spicy minutes but just couldn’t get into the full monty.

Can ladies go full monty or is that just a man thing?

I don’t know, guys. I just don’t see the appeal of having a bronzed mons pubis, you know? Not to mention all that sand all up in everywhere. I hate to be so American about it but perhaps some parts should just stay covered.

As for the Meat Rack, we didn’t even end up entering. And by entering I mean like…walking into the woods, not anything dirty, pervs.

We actually confused the Meat Rack with another wooded plot of land, The Sunken Forest, which is nearly a mile walk from the heart of town, and even further from The Pines. As we trekked through sandy, mosquito filled dunes and wild sea brush in hopes of spotting the infamous Meat Rack I couldn’t hep thinking it just seemed like an awful lot of effort to go to for an anonymous BJ.

But, then again, I’m a straight prude who’s seen enough Lifetime movies to know you should never go into the forest with a stranger, no matter what fun activities he’s promising, so I might not be the Meat Rack’s target audience.

It turns out the Meat Rack and the Sunken Forest were entirely unrelated – the Sunken Forest is part of the National Parks service and is very well maintained and family friendly and you can learn about birds and foliage and stuff so that was slightly more my speed.

Here is us in the Sunken Forest…we’re so waspy we wear collared shirts even when hiking through national parks/possible illicit wooded sex dens.

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Basically the Meat Rack had the opposite effect on us that it had on the imaginary Midwestern couple of my comedy film dreams. Instead of opening our minds (and legs!) we just kind of got bored with public nudity and went for a nature hike.

SEXYYY.

Andddd that was our mini moon! It actually was super fun. We just laid around and read and ate junk food and drank bloody marys and I got legit tan and I cried on the ferry home because I didn’t want it to end and also I am a drama queen. As for the freakydeaky stuff, there’s always next time! I’ve heard that Thailand has lots of ladyboys and sex tourism so maybe we can re-try the racy lifestyle on that visit. I mean, we’ll probably just end up like, touring a historical museum or something but you never know! Anything could happen.

How do you say Meat Rack in Thai?!

Off to Google Translate I go! While I am gone, here are some (clothed!) photos from our lil trip if you should so care to see…and why wouldn’t you? It is a proven fact that everyone adores looking at photos of someone else’s romantic getaway.

 

 

xoxoxoxoxo Mz Hott

Another Awkward Week [8.29.14]: I’m Baaaaack Edition

 weddinggggWell! So yeah, that happened!

#Hottwedding has come and gone and I don’t even know where to begin! It was just the best day. The best! The whole weekend was dreamy and perfect. Which is not to say it was fairy-tale flawless, but fun, memorable, exhausting, hilarious, delicious…perfectly perfect and perfectly us. I loved it!

When can we do it again?

I’m in the midst of getting my brain re-combobulated (that’s a word?) on all of the weddingy goodness I want to share, but I just wanted to pop back here and say hi!

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!

Also, to reassure you that, though with a new ring and a new last name (I mean, technically…I’ve not even begun to think about considering the paperwork but we’re in the midst of going full-on Liz Scott over here) (more on THAT to come!) (omg!) things here should continue to roll on at their normal bizarre clip.

Case in point: This Vinegar

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After the wedding we spent a few days on Fire Island (muuuuch more on THAT to come, too!) where basically every inch of my flesh was devoured by mosquitoes.

Don’t worry, Ebola is not spread via mosquito…I checked.

We got back late Thursday night and didn’t have any cortisone cream in the house, so I took to the web in search of home remedies, as I am wont to do, and learned that regular old white vinegar can be a good cure for itchy bug bites. Whaddya know, we have a large bottle right on our pantry shelf!

I went to bed early and put the bottle beside me, in case I needed to reapply during the night. I don’t know. It made sense at the time.

The following morning I woke up at the crack of dawn, because my body hates me and hates sleeping past 7 AM, picked up my glass of water and my bottle o’vinegar and stumbled out of the bedroom. First stop: bathroom! I set the water glass on the sink and promptly knocked it over, shattering it all over the floor in the one room in which we are legit always barefoot.

Le sigh.

Thank god we registered for so much glassware – I didn’t made it 2 days without breaking anything.

I blearily made my way to the kitchen, got the broom and pan, swept up my disaster and staggered to the kitchen, already exhausted. All that work had made me thirsty, so I picked up the nearest water bottle resting on the counter, unscrewed the top and took a huge swig.

Except…you know where this is going…that bottle was SO not water. It was the big, giant bottle of white vinegar.

Yum.

If you’re looking for a surefire way to wake yourself up in the mornings, might I suggest the vinegar chugging method?

On second thought…never mind.

So there you have it. Married? Yes. Together? Certainly not.

Thank you in advance for listening to me talk alllll about the wedding for the next foreseeable future. I know I have but a small window where it is acceptable to obsess over our recent nuptials and I plan on milking every goddamn second of it.

HOORAH!

(PS: photo credit Kylene Lynn Photography, Kylene is the bomb. More about THATTTTTTT, you guessed it, to come.)

xoxoxo Liz Ho…Sco?

One Awkward Wedding: The Final Countown

Oh

My

Sweet

Lord

Depending on whether you count today as Day Zero or Day One, the count is either T-8/9 days until #hottwedding. Irregardless of your counting style, August 16 is pretty darn soon. Single digits soon. Deposits due soon. 10 Day Forecast soon.

We have reached THE FINAL COUNTDOWN:

 

My current emotional state is just…weird. Impossible to describe.  Distracted. Impatient. Buzzy. Mildly panicked but much less panicked that one would imagine, considering my natural inclination to panic. I never leave home without my trusty notebook, a gift from a sweet cousin that has been a saving grace over the last month and losing it now would = losing my mind. But as I get closer, there is less and less for me to write in the notebook. Now is the hardest time for me because basically everything is done. Planned, paid for, coordinated, organized, done. All things that I can control are lined up like perfect little mallard ducks and now it’s just up to fate to take care of the rest and I’m not great at not running the show.

Por ejemplo, the weather. Despite multiple attempts, I can not (yet!) control the weather. I think if I had a superpower that would be it.

As should surprise zero percent of y’all, I am obsessed with checking the weather. The last thing I do before I go to sleep every night is check the next day’s hourly forecast, so I can be prepared. I then check again first thing when I wake up to see if anything has changed. It is insane. Due to this obsession I know oh so well that anything can change at the blink of an eye and sometimes weather.com is just straight up wrong and lying right to your face. There have been multiple occasions where I’ve been out walking and felt rain drops on my head and my weather app told me “dry conditions would continue.” Which… nope! It’s raining!!! Are you drunk, weather.com? Are you going to finish that sentence by saying “Dry conditions will continue to not happen because it is now raining?” Otherwise you’re just lying to me and I don’t like liars.

Basically I think weather.com is just an evil torture tool created by some kind of monster, designed to give neurotic people a sense of control and then constantly toy with their emotions.

Since August 16 showed up on the 10 day yesterday morning – where I checked it at 6:41 AM, the moment my eyes opened – the forecast has said 81 with rain and thunder, 85 and partly cloudy, 83 and sunny (stay that way!!) and 82 with scattered thunderstorms. I know it will change 890978618694 more times between now and then and I know that no matter what it’ll be a Tony the Tiger style GRRRRREAT day but I will continue to check every hour on the hour until I’m walking down the aisle.

Other things bringing me mild stress:

  • This zit on my forehead.  Is he going to just hang out there until next Saturday, or is he on his way out? Go away, dude!
  • This weird pain in my inner thigh which is probably just from all the excessive exercise I’ve been doing in an attempt to channel my anxiety into Madonna arms or is it some kind of glandular malfunction?
  • What I’m going to have for lunch today. This is unrelated to the wedding, I just think about food 24/7
  • Potential family awkwardness/drama/situations at the wedding and remembering to love&accept things for what they are, not what you wish they would be.
  • WHAT IF I FART WHILE I’M WALKING DOWN THE AISLE?! Will the music drown it out?!

But really, I swear on my first edition hardcover of Bossypants, I’m not that stressed! I mean, I’m always stressed anyway, it’s kind of my jam, so I imagined that by now I’d be in full scale meltdown mode but really I’m just buzzing right along at my normal level of neurotic. It is surprising and awesome. And if I can plan a wedding with little to no panic, anyone can! I should probably write a book all about stress free wedding planning, now that I’m an expert and it’ll become an instant bestseller and I’ll be a billionaire and I can move to Tahiti with my husband (!!!) and everyone there will love me so much they’ll make me the queen.

That’s how life works, right?

I will now make a confession: I will miss wedding planning when it is over and primarily because I will miss the attention. I’m not exaggerating for comedic effect and any bride (or groom!) who denies they, too felt this way, is straight up lying. Planning a wedding gets you 8,000% more attention than usual and it is awesome. Everyone wants to ask you how things are going and hear about it and there’s always something to talk about and think about and do and be excited about and I love it. When else am I going to get this much attention? I GUESS if I ever pull off that Queen of Tahiti scenario, which frankly sounds unlikely and then maybe if ever I get pregnant…but that publicity stunt results in me having to care for and keep alive a human child who will then get all the attention that was previously directed at me so I’m not racing into that one. ALSO I read this New York Magazine article that revealed that science has proved that 29 is the most popular year of your life and I’m turning 30 a few weeks post-wedding so basically this is it for me! The end is nigh. I need to just embrace my inner Jenna Maroney and embrace every second of my fleeting wedding planning/age 29 popularity.

 

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Preach it sister.

I should probably be ashamed to admit my true nature but there is clearly no shame in my game around here.

Now I must dash off to refresh weather.com (still saying 83 and sunny! Come on, god, work with me here!) and then wander around the office until I can find someone to ask me about my wedding so I can really just maximize the last 8/9 of my Glory Days.

Ok bye!!!

xoxooxoxoxoxo Liz Ho