Another Awkward (slash Awesome!) Week [5.30.14]

Good morning, pals! I am all thrown off with this short week – I almost forgot it’s Friday. But oh, it is. T to the G-I-F, dudes.

This week the coolest thing ever in the whole wide WORLD happened: I wrote something that was published on a national website. VOGUE.COM. AAAAHHH!!! This is a double-brag if you’re my friend on Facebook so forgive me – I’m just a scoonch excited. If you’ve not yet read it and would like to, I’d be honored! You can click-click-click away riiiight HERE.

Long story short, I was semi-tipsily chatting with an editor I know at a work party a little while back and we got to chatting about Facebook and relationships and how and why and when we use social media to share and define said relationships. As we parted for the evening, she asked if I’d write something for her on the subject, for Vogue.com. Outwardly I said “sure!” and inwardly I said “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and she put me in touch with her editor, we talked details, I tried to pretend I knew what I was talking about and like, did this all the time and Vogue.com? Not even a big deal, has anyone even heard of Vogue?, and she gave me a deadline of ONE WEEK and then I frantically drafted and worried and thought and wrote and flopped around a lot like “this is a disaster! My one shot in life and I’m about to blow it and be a failure forever!!!!”

Dramatic much?

I finally came up with a draft I liked (thanks to Claire, Brian & Maggie, my reader/editors) and oh-so-casually cooly submitted it. They liked it! Sent over some edits! Annnnd: posted to the web.

The piece mildly complains about how we share everythinggg on the Facebook, so naturally I immediately shared it on the Facebook. HAH! I was prepared for some thumbs-ups from my mom and besties but Oh. Em. Gee I was not prepared for how freaking nice everyone else would be! Friends were sharing, commenting, liking, emailing, all with praise and encouragement. I got some super sweet notes from friends I haven’t talked to in years. My brother tweeted it.

And at work! I am shy to share any writing at work because I don’t know why. I guess because I always write about myself and I don’t want them to know what a psycho I am? Well apparently they all totally know and love me anyway. Our marketing manager tweeted the link via the department official twitter, work friends shared from theirs and sweetest ever some of my beautiful, genius designer friends put together THE cutest and funniest email, which they then sent department wide in the same style we send our publicity emails:

LIZ

File me away with Junot Diaz and Anne Lamott! It’s all happening!

I was genuinely, no joke, bowled away with a combination of emotions that is difficult to put into words and is really best summed up by this: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I felt like Sally Field at The Oscars + like, Brandy Chastain at the 1999 World Cup + Marie Curie when she discovered radium + every nerd in a high school movie who then gets elected prom queen. I’ve been published! And everyone LIKED it!

What. A. Day.

This also lights a little fire under my bottom. I love writing (obviously) and would like to try for more opportunities like this. I’ve now eradicated fears that no editors would like my style or that readers will hate it, effectively just leaving laziness as my final hurdle. A hurdle I need to smush to smithereens ASAP.

So SERIOUS thanks dudes, I promise I’ll remember you all when I am famous!!!!!

And lest you worry I’m already changing, don’t you fear: I’m still keeping it WAY too real on the daily. So why don’t we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

 

This Face/Hair:

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Sunday, while I was home  in Pennsylvania, I arranged a hair and makeup trial for the wedding. Now, hair/makeup trial, you ask? I know. The part of me who thinks weddings are ridiculous is like “come on, ladies, do you really need a test run, it’s just one day” but then the other (louder) part of me who is vain and girlie and wants to look beautiful on that one day is like “DUH.”  I’m tryyyyying to do it on the slightly cheap, so was put in touch with a former student of my cousin who is a cosmetologist and I am very glad we set up this little trail because she, unfortunately, was not the right match for me.

I’m not going to throw a ton of shade on this girl – she’s young and incredibly sweet and learning as she goes along.

We had confirmed for her to come to my mom’s house at noon. By 12:15 she wasn’t there and I just KNEW she forgot. I knew it. I’d emailed her to confirm and she didn’t respond and I just instantly got the sense that she forgot and I could tell right then that she wasn’t going to be the right person. I just sensed it. Deep in my hair follicles. Bones predict other stuff but when it comes to sensing beauty disasters: the hair knows.

I should have just put a stop to it right then and there and told her not to come, but I wanted to give her a chance, the benefit of the doubt, so texted her to remind her and she arrived an hour later. Right from the start we were not communicating well and I could tell she just didn’t grasp what I wanted her to do. My mom, sister and friend (wife!) Maureen sat watching as we made small talk and I internally freaked out.

NOT because my hair looked bad, I’ll figure out a plan B, but because now I had a person in my house with whom I as going to have to have an awwkward conversation. Thsi sweet girl seemed to think things were going OK and I didn’t know how to tell her, to her little face, that she was super not getting hired on our wedding day. I just wanted her to leave! But I didn’t know what to say! I am SO BAD at these kinds of conversations. I just want to be nice and funny all the time, forever, and avoid all confrontation.

After she did my hair, she was set to do my make-up and again, I should have told her right then and there that we were done for the day/life, kthxbye, but I didn’t have the heart and maybe she was really great at make-up! But first I went and hid in my mom’s room, right off the living room where we were doing the trial, to ask Schmoopster for advice. I didn’t want her to know I was talking about her so I pretended I had to go to the bathroom – I even flushed the toilet for emphasis. I then, of course, actually had to go to the bathroom but couldn’t because I already lied to her and told her I just did that and I didn’t want this hair-stylist girl to think I had some kind of like, raging bladder infection, so I just sat there, clenching my legs, rushing through a make-up trial and praying for the day to end.

It did, I awkwardly told her I’d be in touch and did, eventually, let her down over email.

I don’t know if I did the right thing – should I have told her to her face? Cancelled on her when she was late?! AAAAH I hate interacting with human beings sometimes. I need an assistant to do all my dirty work for me. Except then I might sometimes have to yell at the assistant and I wouldn’t be able to do that so I’d have to hire another assistant do to that and then on and on until I just had one million assistants yelling at each other while I hid in my mom’s room pretending to go to the bathroom.

Oy.

This Cheese:

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On the train home to NYC later that night I realized I was STARVING and didn’t pack a snack. I did, however, have some blocks of cheese that my mom sent up with me so OH YES I grabbed me a hunk o’ swiss and straight up gnawed on it like a mother flipping rat.

Pro-tip for getting your own seat on public transportation: see above!

This Ticket:

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The cheese was not cutting it, sadly, so I practically lept with glee when I realized we had a brief stop-over in Philaelphia, enough time to run upstairs to the train station and grab some real food before we continued no our trip. I asked a nice young man sitting across the aisle from me to watch my suitcase (direct quote: “you’re wearing a suit and look trustworthy, would you watch my bag , I’m starving?”) (His internal monologue was probably like “DEAR GOD why is the cheese lady speaking to me?!”) and sprinted to the Au Bon Pan, where I quickly grabbed a pre-made Ceasar Salad, which is weirdly my go-to snack in stressful travel situations (why?!) and a Kind Bar which is one of those horrible monster snacks taht pretends to be healthy but is really like 450% chocolate.

I realized I’d have to re-show my ticket before boarding the train again and a horror washed over me: I had used my ticket as a recepticle for old chewing gum earlier in the trip. I pulled out the ticket an sure enough, there was a blob of gum RIGHT over the barcode they’d need to scan for reentry.

Kill. Me. Now.

I took my usual approach when faced with a tricky situation which is to over-explain in a wildly flustered manner until whoever I am dealing with just tells me to go away.

To the woman checking tickets: “Hi! Oh my gosh, OK I was on the train, coming from Elizabethtown and I got off to get a snack? The conductor said it was OK? I was starving! And I am SO embarrassed but I spit gum into my ticket…here…OH MY GOD I know so gross, I’m so sorry, can I just get back on I swear I’m coming from Elizabethtown.”

All this complete with some wild gesticulating and a positively insane smile  on my face.

Cha-ching, she let me through.

LADIES: it might not be considered Leaning In but I fully support the power of occasionally playing dumb.

This Bike Tire:

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Flatter than your mother’s chest, Trebek.

Unfortunately I didn’t realize that until I had hauled this 567 pound beast down the stairs and ridden it a full mile to the park, the hardest bike ride of my life. You guys know I’ve had plenty of shenanigans with this bike but this one took the cake. It was so slow, hard to pedal and making loud clanging noises, but I just assumed it was my old bike being old. I was mortified: here I am running half marathons, in the best shape of my life, and I can’t ride my bike half a block without getting winded?

I pushed and pushed and pushed and finally I made it to the park where a kindly (ish) stranger yelled out “YOU HAVE A FLAT!” in a hard to distinguish Eastern European accent and I yelled back “WHO ME?!” and almost crashed my bike and then looked down and yes, sir, I did have a flat and probably caused a huge scene all the way up to the park and OY YOY YOY.

And that, beautiful butterflies, was my week! WHAT A WEEK!!! I’m still riding so high on the Vogue thang, both pride for myself and flat out amazement and joy over all the enthusiasm and encouragement from my peeps. I am metaphorically doing that move where you jump up in the air and gleefully click your heels together.

YAY!

Have the BEST weekend, y’all!

xoxoxoxo Liz Ho

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Another Awkward Week [5.23.14]

Hey buddies! What’s up? It’s a long weekend, whoop whoop! Well, in America, anyway. Sorry foreigners. Sucks to be you!

I’m heading down to Pennsylvania for the weekend,  tomorrow I’m having a bridal shower (for ME!), hosted by my sweet Aunt Lena & cousin Lisa.  I’m so excited! And I’m excited that I’m excited which sounds nuts, but well, that’s me. For a while I was being kind of a weirdo about the whole thing – I thought everyone would think I was being really demanding and obnoxious, asking them to drive all the way to PA, when they already have to travel for the wedding, and would I look like I was just trying to get more presents. For someone who purports to LOVE being the center of attention, I’m sort of freaking out now that my moment in the spotlight has finally arrived!

Luckily I have some smart friends and family who reminded me that I am a lunatic and I might need to calm down. That it is OK and not annoying  to be excited about my wedding. That people are travelling not because I’m making them, but because they want to, because they love me, and love Brian and are happy to celebrate our impending union. It’s going to be such a lovely day with the most special ladies in my life and I’m already feeling very honored and loved.

And EXCITED. So excited that I’ve already said that word seventy-five times in just these four paragraphs! Get a thesaurus, Liz.

Fun fact: I have a really hard time saying that word, thesaurus. I always say suh-tharus, instead of the-saur-us. Ha! A few years ago I worked on a book about Roget, the guy who invented the thesaurus and the word was right in the title and every time I had to say it out loud I would get really nervous about messing up and inevitably mess up even worse and it was just horrifying. HORRIFYING! I totally forgot about that until just this moment and now I’m reflexively cringing, so embarrassed for my past self. GAH young Liz. It does NOT get better.

Ok enough rambling about bridal showers and thesarusues (thesauri?) and insanity. Let’s take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week.

 

This Dress:


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Worn to Brian’s sister’s graduation on Sunday and COVERED in coffee.

We drove from NJ to PA early on Sunday morning and packed bagels and to-go coffees with sturdy, closeable lids for the ride.Brian’s mom realized just moments after we pulled from the driveway that she had forgotten the roll of paper towels she meant to toss in, just in case anyone spilled.

“No worries!” chirped the grownup adult woman from her perch in the backseat. “We’ll be fine!”

I was pretty good for most of the way until just a few miles from the campus, when I precariously propped my coffee mug in my lap without fully closing the lid.

Suddenly, Brian called out from beside me: “Liz! Your mug is tipping!” So I did what any rational person would do when a hot cup of liquid is spilling over on their thighs which is to flail my legs even more causing the spill to go from a minor drip to a full on drenching.

REALLY coulda gone for those paper towels right then.

Saving graces: ’twas a dark dress and I found a stray shout wipe in  my purse! That baby did the trick and more, by the time we made it to graduation the only remaining trace of the incident was a lingering smell of coffee.

Eau de floor of a Starbucks after a long summer’s day.

Whilst at said graduation I acquired…

This Sunburn:

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First of the year! Complete with a weird little white stripe across the middle where my necklace was resting.

Happens every season!

I have to be careful this year…I have to somehow make it all summer without kooky tan lines, so I’m not covered in splotches and white patches in all of our wedding photos. I keep meaning to try my bikini top on under my wedding dress to see if I can wear it or need to get a new one. HA! Sounds insane butttt I think it is necessary. Maybe I’ll just have someone sew me a dress in the pattern of my wedding gown and wear that all day every day so I have absolutely perfect lines come August 16?

THAT would be insane.

(orrrr would it?!)

This Skirt:

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That is a thick layer of dust…apparently the French Connection in SoHo cleans their dressing rooms about as often as I clean my house. Aka: never.

I visited this store not once but twice in the past week, along with probably every single store in the greater NYC metropolitan area, on an epic quest for the perfect dress for this weekend’s festivities. I bought and returned and bought and returned several different options and ordered a few things online – one of which is lost in the mail and one of which is being held at a FedEx facility on 108th Street in Brooklyn. I didn’t even know there was a 108th Street in Brooklyn but apparently they is and they are holding hostage a sundress from Piperlime. Can’t wait to go pick THAT up.

After all of these shenanigans, I finally caved yesterday and splurged and spent basically all of my discretionary income on a dream dress from Kate Spade that I’d been lusting after for weeks. I’ve already justified the exorbitant expense,  by promising myself I will wear it at least three times a week until I die so basically this dress has pretty much already paid for itself. In fact, they paid ME! I hope everyone likes it as much as I do cuz y’all are going to be seeing a lot of it.

In other fashion news, check out the shoes I rocked all week…

These Moccasins:

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Yes, friends, that IS my big toe.

You may recall I shared these about a year ago when dat derre rip was juuuusssst beginning and here we are, a full year later and much much rippier (it’s a word) and I’ve yet to throw them out.

I’d get a new pair but I just spent all my money on that dress so…open toed moccasins: the hot trend for spring! You heard it here first!

This Band-aid:

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I’m finally getting serious about my nail/finger biting problem, I can NOT allow myself to have bloody, ragged fingers at our wedding, I just can’t.

My thumbies are my weakness, they’re just so easy to attack, so all week I’ve been wrapping my thumbs in band-aids in an attempt to save myself from myself.

Unbeknownst to me I purchased a box of “designer strips” which means these are no ordinary bandages, OH NO, but beautifully (“beautifully”) patterned fashion band-aids. So far this week I’ve rocked bandages that look like they’re bedecked in sequins, in black lace, in some kind of modern abstract art, and this one, my favorite, which had teeny tiny photos of models walking the catwalk.

WHO EVEN CAME UP WITH THIS? Why would someone want to wear bandaids with tiny little fashion models on them? They’re so small you can’t even see what they’re wearing! WHYYY is this even a thing that exists in the world and why do I own it.

Kids get Sponge Bob and Dora and grownups get mini little ladies shaking their little tushes on the catwalk. On the catwalk, yeah.

I’m to sexy for my bandaid, to sexy for my bandaid…

IF ONLY there was a designer band-aid for my brain that would make me into less of a weirdo. THE END of this madness, I am outta here. Have a spectacular Memorial Day weekend and if you think I’m not going to be back with a full report from my big weekend, you’re drunk. My mom told me it is traditional for the mother of the bride to buy her daughter sexy lingerie soooo that blog post can pretty much write itself.

Smooches!

Liz Ho

 

A Rant, A List, A Brand New Week

Hey everybody! How was your weekend?! Mine, although lovely, was not exactly what I had planned. Remember the Pittsburgh wedding I was oh-so-excited to attend? Well, that didn’t happen. I mean…it happened, they are now happily married, yay, but I was not there so, you know. Trees falling in forests and all that. Just kidding! I know that life goes on even when I am not there, I’m not thaaaat vain. (Or am I?!!)

Friday was a drab and rainy day all up and down the east coast, but it was by no means Hurricane Sandy Reincarnate so I was mildly frustrated but not super surprised when I received an email Friday afternoon telling me that my 8 PM flight had been pushed to 9:30. I then received a voice mail informing me it had been pushed back yet again, this time to 10:30, but don’t you worry, we’re still doing everything we can to get back on schedule! In one bit of actual levity for the evening, the voice mail was one of those automated services and I guess they had some confusion over the way my name was written on my ID. The message combined my first name (Elizabeth) and middle initial (M), announcing “Hello. This is a message for Alizabatham HoHENadell.” HA!

I remained calm and unflustered, used the newfound free time to take public transportation to the airport instead of blowing $50 on a taxi, went through security, found my gate, bought a $400 Cesar salad, found a plug to charge my cell phone, which was at a precarious 8% battery life, and cracked open my book, when the phone rang once again.

“Hello Alizabatham HoHENadell, your flight is cancelled.”

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. WHAT.

I frantically ran around the airport to find the US Airways help desk, while dialing their customer support on my cell phone, now elevated to just 11% battery life. This flight was one of just many cancellations throughout LaGuardia, so the customer service line was, no joke, 75+ people deep. I managed to get an actually super nice and helpful customer service rep on the phone while I stood in line, who told me that the good news was they’d refund my full fare, the bad news being, of course, that they had no other available flights on my route that night or the following morning.  I got out of the US Airways line and went looking for Delta, only to find them also backed up by the dozens.

I found a spot on the floor next to an outlet, plugged in my cell phone, called my mom, cried, stress ate my Caesar salad (worth every penny!) (false), yelled the F word far too loud for a public setting, looked up alternate routes to PGH and finally came to the realization that it was not happening. I would not make it to Pittsburgh. I would not see Brigette get married. I felt mad and sad and guilty and disappointed and basically every emotion you might find on the negative end of a feelings chart. I took a sad taxi home to Crown Heights, the rain pouring nearly as hard as my tears.

HAHA just kidding for dramatic emphasis. I mean, yes I cried, but that’s a tad heavy handed. Trying to spice up my writing with overuse of metaphor! What if I actually talked like that? Yikes!

Enn. Eee. Way. My mom & Margie sent me loads of photos from the wedding and it looked like a truly beautiful day. I’m so happy for the newlyweds! And I was able to see Brian’s sister graduate, so the weekend still  managed to be special and full of family. And also sun. Wait until you get a load of the sunburn I acquired yesterday. It’s one for the record books!

HOWEVER it has come to my attention that God or Mother Nature or SOMEONE is reading my blog and deliberately trying to sabotage me.While I do appreciate the attention, I am not amused. I mean, I had expressly stated on Friday morning just how VERY EXCITED I was to fly to Pittsburgh and my flight up and cancels on me? COME ON, dude. Do you think this is because I couldn’t remember the timeline of Christ’s resurrection? Am I being punished for supporting gay marriage???? Whatever the reason, it is pretttty clear that someone is out to get me, so below is a list of things I am super not excited for. If my logic is correct, which it totally always is, since I’m not excited for these things, that means these days will be bright and sunny and warm and perfect and amazing…right?! RIGHT.

  • My Own Wedding. August is hurricane season, right? Let’s get a storm a brewin’!
  • Similarly: My Bridal Shower this coming weekend and my Bachelorette in June. Two separate weekends being feted by my most special ladies? HARD PASS. 
  • My Cousin Angie’s visit to NYC. Angie is the WORST! 
  • The string of 30th Birthday parties we have this June. Rooftops and pool parties and Brooklyn day drinking? These are a few of my (least!) favorite things. (PS: read that to the tune of the song, please, I tried really hard to make it fit.) 
  • Summer Fridays. 12 PM closing? No thanks, I’ll work til 6! 

And while we’re at it, something I am so totally very super excited about is next week’s big publishing annual conference, BEA. Schlepping to the far west side of Manhattan in what always manages to be the hottest weather of all time for long days of standing around and small talking…I can. not. wait. I will be SO VERY SAD if a lighting bolt just strikes right down into the middle of the Javits Center and burns it right down to the ground. Please oh please don’t let that happen, I long for this week all year!

There. That should about cover it. Everything’s looking up for old Alizabatham HoHENadell!!!

(Arbitrary image b/c photos make blogs better, according to other blogs.)

Here’s to the start of a NEW week for all of us – hope it’s nothing short of spectacular. xoxo

Another Awkward Week [5.16.14]

Oh my god, you guys. What is even happening? This week simultaneously flew and crawled by. If it were an animal, this week would be some kind of monster breed of like, a snake and a bald eagle…a creature which surely exists in the world of George R. R. Martin…who you can blame when this post is THE worst because I’ve fiiiinally started watching GOT and am, of course, obsessed. I’m not very good at casually consuming pop culture. When I decide to get into something I go ALL IN.

Watching GOT is this weird experience for me because I love to read about pop culture, especially television (I mean books! I always read books and articles about books!) (#employeeoftheyear) and have this weird habit of following recaps and news about shows I’ve never watched. Like, I have never watched one second of that show Sons of Anarchy and yet I read the Vulture recap every week and know basically every plot point. Same for Homeland! And then I’m like “why am I so busy and stressed?” when really I’m just wasting my time watching TV or reading about the TV I don’t watch.

ANYWAY, I don’t read the GOT recaps but I do keep up with the news and headlines, it’s kind of hard to miss when you spend as much time at Vulture as I do, so I sort of know what happens…but sort of don’t. I know the names of a lot of the characters and some major plot points (Red Wedding!) but didn’t actually know what all of these people looked like or how they related to one another or when these major plot points actually happened, so every episode I’m like “Oh! Khaleesi!” “The Lannisters!” “Which brother and sister are having an inappropriate sexual relationship?” (Spoiler alert: more than you’d think.)

Do you guys watch this show? It’s so good! A smorgasbord of deception and manipulation and war and boobs and murder and boobs and boobs and butts and boobs! All my favorite things. We’re about halfway through Season 2 and shit is going OFF. I love it.

Ok I will now stop talking about Game of Thrones…but basically if you’re curious what I’ve been up to all week and why this blog is short, boring and poorly written: blame G.R.R.M! Winter is coming!

Let’s take a look at what (else) was keeping it awkward this week.

 

These Permanent Markers:

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With which I was doodling while on a call and oh look they bled through my paper and now I have permanent ink stains on my desk.

This kind of behavior would get you held back from recess in kindergarten.

This Tupperware: 

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It’s become sort of a joke with my assistant that she always walks into my office while I’m eating…because I’m always eating.

Funny stuff, I know.

WELL we took the scenario one step further, maybe too far this week when she walked in as I was licking hummus off the lid of my tupperware snack container.

I WISH I could say that was the first and last time I’ve ever done that but I can not lie to you, my friends. I’ve done it before and I’ll surely do it again.

I should not be allowed out in public.

(Also: my thumb is so disgusting…let this be motivation for me to stop picking at my fingers.  GAH-ROSS, Liz. Gross.)

This Computer Screen:

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Isn’t it giant? I KNOW.

So I’ve been trying to engage myself better in our corporate culture and take advantage of some of the classes and learning opportunities provided by my company. This week I signed up to sit in on a marketing strategy course via Web Ex, which is lingo they did not define in our class…I think it means like, via the internet? I don’t even know. Basically, I signed into some program that allowed me to see the deck being presented in the class as well as hear the teachers and other participants speaking. I was also apparently supposed to hook up my phone or some other sort of microphone so I, too, could participate but OBVZ I a) don’t know how and b) didn’t realize that my computer doesn’t just have some kind of built in microphone device.

The class started and the teacher asked everyone to go around and introduce themselves. I waited for my colleague to go before me and then started to chime in “Hello! This is Liz”…and they just kept on breezing to the next person. I waited until the next person spoke and tried again, this time a little louder: “Hello! It’s Liz!!!” They didn’t hear me. I leaned into the speakers, where the noise was coming OUT and tried to make the noise go IN: “HELLO IT IS LIZ CAN YOU HEAR ME????”

Surprisingly this did not work.

It was basically a parody of a geriatric woman who has just seen her first iPad. 29 going on 90.

PS: do you guys watch Inside Amy Shumer? She is DIVINE and I recommend diving deep into her archives but this particular video is especially appropriate for illustrating this tale. I’m the clueless mom character, of course.

(PS: If you look closely enough you can see all the important tabs I have open: numerous searches for “at home bikini body workouts” (I hate myself), some kind of feminist article (to counterbalance my buying into the idea of a “bikini body”) and one tab where I was apparently googling myself. WORKING HARD!)

This Turnstile:

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So last weekend we were in Philadelphia for a wedding, wedding-going is our #1 hobby and pastime these days (after watching Game of Thrones, that is!!!) and while we were there, I got stuck in a subway turnstile.

I, Liz Hohenadel, who rides the subway at least two times per day, sometimes more on weekends, found herself entangled in the metal bars of the turnstile, like some kind of martian who first landed in the deep midwest and then went blind and then visited the Big City for their very first time.

I can’t even explain what happened. I put my token in (Philly still uses actual tokens! It’s so quaint!) (That sounds demeaning but I mean it in a positive way.) and I walked forward and then the bar got stuck and I stepped back and then I stepped forward again and then I pulled the bar backwards for some reason and then it wouldn’t go forwards again so I kept pulling it further back…maybe hoping it would like, do a full 360 and flip me over like a pig on a spit right onto the subway platform? I don’t even know.

The woman working at the token booth had to get involved and believe you me…girl was NOT amused. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that working the token booth in the Philadelphia subway system is not exactly full of sunshine and daisies and butterflies, unless those are the names of the homeless men peeing in the corner (it’s really not nice to make jokes about homelessness, I know) but this lady DID NOT CARE if I got myself through the turnstile or not and had no plans to help me through.

You know who else had no plans to help me through? OH that’s right, BRIAN. You know, my life partner and love of my life who stood there watching me and laughing. Just cracking up, busting a gut laughing while the future mother of his children, woman who irons his shirts for him (not because of gender roles…I’m just better at it) and who is going to walk down the aisle and marry him in exactly 3 months from today (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) got trapped behind bars. I could have died there! And he just laughed! And then, when I finally got through and we made it to my sister’s house, announced: “Sorry we’re late, Liz got stuck and caused a scene in the subway.”

RUDE.

Long story long, somehow I freed myself, the wedding was lovely and I’ve now ridden multiple subways all week without incident so…good times.

And that, my dear pals, was my week! What have YOU been up to?? Any weekend plans? I’m going to Pittsburgh for…wait for it…wait for it…any guesses… a wedding!! I am SO excited for this one. I mean, I’m always excited for all weddings but this one will be very dear to me. The bride Brigette is Maggie’s BFF, they’ve known each other since they were about four years old, and have been besties ever since and in that time, Brigette has become like a member of our family, coming on vacations, being part of inside jokes, she was even there when we first started calling our mom The Schmoopster. Tomorrow she’s marrying this great, great guy and it’s just going to be so neat seeing her start this new adventure in her life and I’m so honored to be there. Also starting new adventures: Brian’s sister is graduating from college on Sunday! So Brian and I are splitting up this weekend – me to a wedding, him to the graduation, which of course makes me feel weird and guilty and like I’m personally perpetuating the idea that marriage is a more important achievement in a woman’s life than an education but I MIGHT need to stop taking myself so seriously and calm it down. Maybe?

BASICALLY it is an exciting weekend for many people who I love so hooray! Let’s party. Everybody dance now!

I’m losing it. Have a great weekend, buddies!

xoxo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [5.9.14]

Guuuys, I’m BACK! Just a few hours after writing last week’s sad post, bemoaning my lack of awkward moments, I went out for fries (my second plate of fries for the day but who’s counting?!), misjudged the size of the opening on the ketchup bottle, and poured about 6 gallons of the stuff all over the dish.

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Holla!

Immediately upon spilling, as my friends rushed to help clean it up like normal people, I yelled “YES! I’M BACK!” and whipped out my camera to document it for posterity.

BOOM. It was touch and go there for a while but I it is safe to say the awkward train has left the station. Choo choo!

Why would anyone say that? No one talks like that.

I am a hot mess this morning. I had long-planned dinner with my girlfriends last night that started weird when I called it “sensual”  instead of “sophisticated” on the google calendar invite and ended weird when one of the girls, who works for Peanut Butter & Company, busted out half a dozen jars of fancy peanut butters and we all just sat there in the middle of a restaurant drinking beers and eating peanut butter right out of the jar. It was both sophisticated and sensual, for sure. I feel less than amazing this morning…can you get a peanut butter hangover? Is that a thing? OY! Enough rambling, let’s take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week.

 

These Tulips:

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Fresh, alive and BEAUTIFUL. I left them for at least 3 more days after snapping this photo.

See also: our garbage covered dining room table. My house is such a hovel. SIGH.

These Cake Stands:

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I got to go with one of my authors to the Martha Stewart headquarters located waaayyyy on the West Side of Manhattan. It was really neat. They have this HUGE prop library just chock full of kitchen gadgets and bowls and plates and vases and, of course, cake stands…just imagine like, the biggest West Elm + the biggest Pottery Barn + Macy’s Herald Square + Martha Stewart Living Magazine + all of your wildest dreams come true and that’s pretty much what this place was like.

Jen and I both arrived late due to train troubles, and she had to be on live radio, so the moment we arrived they whisked us right up the back staircase and into their radio studio. WHO should we see, as we’re sprinting down the hall? Why Martha herself!!! Walking out of the ladies room! Like a regular person!

It was awesome.

It turns out that had we not been late, we would have actually gotten to meet her and have a conversation with her which would have, obviously, been amazing. Buuuut I’m kind of glad it happened this way. It’s a slightly better story and now I get to tell the whole wide world that Martha Stewart pees in a shared bathroom just like a commoner!

ha!

This Fancy Cocktail:

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I realized I was going to be home alone the other night and decided to enjoy the evening with a crisp glass of white wine on ice, like the WASPy desperate housewife I apparently aspire to be.

But then I remembered that we had no wine in the house and I’m not letting myself spend money on anything that’s not wedding or move related so I gave up on my dreamo of vino. But THEN I remembered that I had a few plastic mini bottle of the upscale Sutter Home Vintage floating around my office, left over from a work project so I secretly stuck a bottle in my purse, carted it home, broke out the ice cubes and had the classiest little party for one you ever did see.

On the upside, at least I used a glass! I would have just stuck in a bendy straw…but we were all out.

This project, by the way, was a complete disaster in and of itself. My colleague and I came up with this adorable summer reads package, and we were so proud of ourselves. We stuffed a tote bag with some of our hottest summer titles + a mini bottle of wine (of the classiest variety, clearly. Publishing money!) and cookies and we mailed them to all these editors and it turns out we didn’t wrap the cookies very well because they all smashed so instead of these adorable tote bags, everyone’s packages were just covered top to bottom in crushed chocolate and cookie crumbs and people had to throw them out. Whoops!   A+++ work right there.

These Jeans:

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I wore these pantaloons to work yesterday and for some reason, something on the inside seam of my right leg kept poking me. I don’t know what it was – these are not new, so it wasn’t a tag or anything. I did just get them back from the laundry, so perhaps there were some shards of glass floating around in the dryer and one of them got stuck inside my jeans seam and then started waging war on my inner thigh?

That sounds like a super normal and likely scenario.

ANYWAY, I was walking to gym over lunch and the poking got SO painful I could barely walk. I told myself to keep going, I just had to make it one more block to the gym and I could take the pants off in the locker room and inspect them. I made it five more steps, but the pain was unbearable, so I stopped and adjusted the jeans from the outside, hoping that would do the trick.

No dice.

I made it five more steps and was in such excruciating pain, I realized I couldn’t wait to the locker room to go deep…I had to get inside my pants.

Now, I was walking on a crowded sidewalk, so I tried to be as inconspicuous as I could. I turned away from the street and as quickly as possible, jammed my hand down the inside of my jeans and sort of rubbed around the inner-mid-thigh area, hoping to dislodge the sharp object.

As I quickly withdrew my hands from down in my pants, I looked up and realized that I had turned away from the street, oh yes, and instead was DIRECTLY FACING a middle school.

A MIDDLE SCHOOL. I was standing on the street, with my hand shoved down my pants in front of a middle school.

I belong in jail.

And on a similar note…

This Photo:

 

I probably can’t show the actual photo for legal reasons.

One of the fun things about commuting on the train is the people you see every day – it’s sort of comforting and weirdly I start to think I know them, when I really don’t. Do any of you guys do this?*

One of my VERY favorite subway buddies is this little boy who is maaaybe three years old and I see him some mornings, riding the uptown 1 train with his mom. This kid is SO flipping cute – he has little glasses and you KNOW how much I love toddlers with glasses (I hope our future children inherit their dad’s near blindness instead of my, ahem, better than perfect , vision.) and I can just tell he’s charmingly nerdy, he’s always reading books or playing like, math games with his mom and I LOVE him.

Yesterday morning it was drizzly and my BCFWIACS (Best Child Friend Who Is Actually a Complete Stranger) was wearing a mini rain slicker, galoshes and…wait for it…a knit sweater with the superman logo on it. Not a sweatshirt, but an actual like, wool sweater with the iconic logo on the front. It was soooooooo cute that I took a photo because I wanted to show all my pals how cute my BCFWIACS was looking that morning. Did I bust this picture out over our peanut butter feast last night? Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t.

Basically what I’m saying is please forward all my mail to the New York State Home for Deranged Criminal Women because that is where I’m headed.

Annnnd on that note, I think it’s best if I shut this whole thing down before I actually get condemned. How was everyone else’s week?! Big weekend plans? I’m going to Philly for a wedding of one of my study abroad buddies that should be one heck of a party. I’m excited! I wonder what my BCFWIACS will do all weekend??!!!! 

Xoxoxo

* We’re going to be publishing a book allll about this phenomenon next winter (I think?) called Girl on a Train (probably!) and it’s AMAZING and creepy and awesome and I assume you’ll all rush right out and buy it when we do!

Another Awkward Week [5.2.14]

Mark this in the history books. The week of April 26 – May 1: Nothing Funny Happened. A miracle / tragedy, depending on how you look at it. It was straight up the dullest week since like, the Paleolithic Era and I have not one solitary tale so share. YIKES. And yes, One Awkward Weeks run Friday – Thursday…don’t ask questions.

I feared this was bound to happen sometime and certainly hope it is a fluke, not a trend. Could I be turning (gasp!) normal?! I shudder at the thought. Please pray to whatever deities you worship that this upcoming week is a doozy of hilarity and embarrassment.

In case you’re wondering what deity I’ll be praying to, it is whichever one created this perfect child.

 

GET IT GURL!!

Ok Happy May and happy weekend, buddies. I’m off in search of awkward moments. Wish me luck!