One Awkward Blackout

Good news, everyone! I’ve discovered something even more boring than football. Power outages during football games. Are y’all watching the Superbowl? What a disaster! Can these clowns not play in the dark? You know who could handle this mess: The Dillon Panthers and/or East Dillon Lions. Someone get Coach Taylor on the line immediately.

Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Shut this down.

In honor of these lights out shenanigans, here is a partial list of things I find even more boring than football:

– Baseball
– Mowing the lawn
– The “Jailbird Bates” storyline on Downton Abbey
– Moby Dick
– Corporate Strategy Meetings
– Listening to Jay Leno read the phone book
– Bradley Cooper
– The Superbowl Commercials 2013
– Church
– Slideshows of other people’s vacations
– BLT’s without mayonnaise
– Listening to commentators speculate about mid-football game blackouts.

BRING BACK BEYONCE!

Ok – So, this game is getting slightly interesting but I’m hitting print so I’ll stand by my word: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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One Awkward Award

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Because today’s post is a bunch of random nonsense about me, here is a gratuitous photo of Liz Ho: Age 11. 

Hiya! On a Tuesday, what whaaat! As I mentioned last night, I’ve been nominated for for the Liebster Blog Award – for bloggers by bloggers. How rad is that? I’m still not 100% sure of the rules or who this Liebster character is, but from what I gather, this is a way that bloggers can shout out to their fave bloggy friends and share them with their readers. I dig it.

I could make a lengthy acceptance speech but who am I, Jodie Foster?

Burn.

My nominee came through one of my very favorite bloggers, one of my first actual blog friends (!), a great fan of booze and Revenge: http://annmaridal.wordpress.com/. Check it. Love it.You’re welcome!

So here’s what’s up:
When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer 11 questions from the person who nominated you. You pass the award onto 11 other blogs, tell them you nominated them, and ask them 11 questions. You are not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated you.

Makes sense? Makes sense! Let’s do this thang:

11 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:
1) I always brush my teeth with a green toothbrush.
2) My first word was bird.
3) I don’t know why. I don’t really care for birds.
4) I hate the smell of original or “unscented” dishsoap.
5) All the technology in the world, and I’m still hung up on how fax machines work. You put a piece of paper into a …phone? And it prints out on the other side of the world? Bananas.
6) Never have I ever: gotten a massage, been in a hot air balloon, gotten a speeding ticket, gone surfing.
7) Two truths and a lie: I hate feet. I have two tattoos. I love tuna salad.
8) I have my belly button pierced. It is really dumb and not nearly as cute as it was when I was an 18-year-old slimster, but I don’t want to take it out. It’s become a part of me. Weird.
9) I have never seen Napoleon Dynamite.
10) I think Mary Kate is the more interesting Olsen, but at the end of the day, Ashley’s probably the one I would more enjoy hanging out with.
11) As dumb as these answers are, I secretly (not secretly) love filling out personality surveys. Unsurprising, I KNOW.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS:
1) Who, of all people in this world, would be your ideal dinner date at Red Lobster on a rainy Wednesday evening?
Oh! Another fun fact: I have never been to Red Lobster! Crazy, right? But I’d still take Tina Fey on a dinner date there, rain OR shine.

2) Apples or pears?
Apples. I find it’s tough to tell when pears are ripe. Is that just me?

3) What is your favorite book?
OMG you are talking to the wrong gal here, way too many to list. Off the top of my head: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn, The Post Birthday World by Lionel Shriver, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, anything Ann Patchett, Random Family by Adrien Nicole LeBlanc, Bossypants (obvz), To Kill a Mockingbird, Harriet the Spy…I could go on for days.

4) What’s the thing you consider yourself a “number one fan” of?
Cheese.

5) How are your dancing skills?
Elaine.

6) Have you ever been to Canada? What did you like/dislike?
Yes! I went skiing in Mont Tremblant when I was young. I remember it being cold. We went to a movie theater in the little town one night to see Shakespeare in Love and I felt awkward watching the love scenes with my parents. We then went to Quebec City for Winter Carnival and I remember it being gorgeous and freezing with incredible architecture and ice sculptures. There was a dogsled race through the middle of town. Later in life my sis & I took the train to Montreal – 11 hours. We got very drunk at a karaoke bar where old men brought us roses and we tore down the house with our choreographed rendition of Proud Mary. I was thrown off by how the people looked so American but were speaking French. We got into a lot of sister spats but had an amazing time. Overall, I’d give Canada 4 out of 5 stars and would certainly go back again!

7) Who would you rather be in a movie with; Ryan Gosling, Jon Hamm, Clint Eastwood, Helen Hunt, Lena Dunham or Angelina Jolie? Why?
Jon Hamm. Sex scenes.

8) Is cloning a Neanderthal a good idea? Why/why not?
Um…no. We’ve just come a long way, developmentally, since then, and I feel like if we’re going to clone anyone, let’s clone someone modern. And hot.

9) What is the most awesome TV show ever?
30 Rock! No, Arrested Development. No! Alias. Friday Night Lights! No, Parks & Rec. Freaks & Geeks! Breaking Bad. THE WIRE. I don’t have a very active social life…

10) Would you rather a) ride a horse on the beach while singing “Puff the Magic Dragon” on live TV during the Superbowl halftime or b) drink a six-pack of Pabst in a horse carriage on stage at the Academy Awards?
Ohhhh man. Excellent question. I’d say PBR during the Oscars! I just always wanted to go to the Academy Awards, so if this is my one shot, I’ll take it.

11) What’s the perfect hostess gift?
Wine of course. OR a very nice candle. I know it seems impersonal, but I really enjoy candles. It seems extravagant to splurge on a fancy candle for yourself, but giving one to a friend is a lovely gift. At least for me. Come to my house and give me candles!

And that’s all about me! Fun. Someone seriously please buy me some really nice candles, it would mean a lot. Now onto step two: selecting some nominees of my own! Listed below, in no particular order, are 11 blogs/bloggers who I particularly enjoy and who I think might be up for participating in this silliness. This feels very much like a WordPress chain letter, no? Absolutely no pressure to the nominees to fill out the survey themselves, I mean, I’ll die alone feeling really rejected and unloved, but I’m sure my family will find a way to cope with the grief. Srsly, though, this was mostly just a fun way for me to talk about myself and share some of my faves with my plethora of fans so no hard feelings if you’d rather pass.

Ok, here we go!

NOMINEES, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
Drinking Tips for Teens
Susie Lindau
Home is Where the Warehouse Is
Can I Get Ur Number
Travels and Tea Leaves
Ribbons and Pearls
Leaving the Land of Cotton
Lemonade Jargon
Snotting Black
Brunch for Every Meal
Thoughts of a Lunatic

QUESTIONS FOR NOMINEES:
1. What is your favorite vegetable?
2. If you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip?
3. Breasts or thighs? Of a CHICKEN, ya perv.
4. Would you rather have an extra nose in the middle of your forehead OR an ear dangling from the bottom of your chin?
5. Who was your hero when you were a child?
6. Floss: waxed or unwaxed? Mint or unflavored?
7. What is your favorite holiday and why?
8. What is your standard daily breakfast?
9. Who is your favorite political dictator and please give a 700 word, 5 paragraph essay detailing why.
10. What is your favorite boy band and who is your favorite member? (I’m judging this answer.)
11. If you could describe yourself in three words, what would they be?

Winter? I barely know ‘er!

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You see a lot of you know “real” bloggers accompany their posts with charming candid photos of themselves hangin’ out in stylish outfits,

so here is a photo of me, wearing my winter indoor wear and dumb hat. It’s slightly topical. You are welcome!

So listen. You don’t need me to state the obvious, this isn’t facebook (burn!), but winter is upon us. It is here. Baby, it is not warm outside.

Some people love the winter. Other people hate it. I generally come down on the side of No Thank You, but in the interest of fair and open-minded thinking and attempting to blog with more frequency, why don’t we just make a little list of all of the myriad good and bad things that Old Man Winter has to offer and rejoice in both the glory and the horror of this present season on earth. And now, without further ado:

Winter! The Pros 🙂 and The Cons 😦

Con: Everyone is so pale. Even if you’re a naturally pale individual, there’s something in the air in the doldrums of winter that just sucks all of the color and life out of your flesh until you are just  white, like, beyond Edward Cullen level of pale, like an inhuman, dead blob monster.

Con: Every November, 5 – 10 lbs attach themselves to your hips and midsection and it is 100% impossible to lose weight in the winter. Look it up. It’s science.

Pro: No reason to be seen in a swimsuit or any sort of cropped topped apparel!

Pro: You basically never have to shave your legs.

Con: So, your girlfriend is probably a hairy monster at this point.

Con: Hats. Miserable! I look terrible in hats. I have a small, scrawny head and un-brushable, frizzy hair that is impossible to restyle once a hat has been donned and removed. Hats are just not my friend.

Pro: Maybe you are one of those assholes who looks cute and stylish in hats and can pull them off with aplomb. So I guess, then, hats might be a pro for you. GOOD FOR YOU.

Con: When the little fringy bits of your scarf get stuck in the zipper of your coat.

Pro: How delicious is a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs on a brisk evening? SO delicious.

Pro: See Also: Red wine.

Con: Death by frostbite.

Pro: Death by chocolate. This doesn’t really have anything to do with winter, I just always thought it seemed a pretty good way to go.

Con: Overheated apartment buildings. My landlady keeps our building at about 80 degrees at all times (probably needs climate control for all of those holiday decorations), to the point where I’m sleeping in shorts & t-shirts with the windows open in the middle of January.

Similar Con: The heat is so drying, my skin is basically peeling off of my body like some kind of molting snake or moisture starved magma rock or something.

Another Similar Con: Loud, clangy, bangy radiators.

Pro: I suppose we should be grateful for central heating…

Con: It gets dark at about 2 PM.

Con: Standing around in crowded bars holding your bulky coats and scarves and layers and such because, obvi, there are no available tables or coat hooks to be found.

Pro: ALLLLLL the more reason to just stay at home and go to bed early!

Pro: Control-top pantyhose. There’s something just so reassuring about knowing all of that winter white flab is locked in and secure. Not goin’ anywhere.

Con:  Friends sharing photos from their mid-winter tropical vacations. The weather is there, I wish I were beautiful!

Pro: Flannel.

Con: Wool.

Neutral: Cotton, the fabric of our lives.

Pro: Snow, while falling and the first 3 hours of laying upon the ground.

Con: Snow, anytime from 3 hours until the final meltdown.

Pro: Ending on a pro, because I am an optimist:  Adult Snow Days. Rare and beautiful things.

And on the subject of rare and beautiful, here is another stunning photo of me, acting cash in my loungewear. Arousing, I know.

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And One Happy List!

Woof! I was such a Grouchy Gertrude last week! But today is a new day, friends and everything’s coming up HoBags.  This afternoon I’m off to Baltimore for my 5-year college reunion and while I’m out of town, my boyfriend is moving from Philly to Brooklyn, barely a mile away from me.  No longer will I have to take the bolt bus to get laid! I mean, yes, this reunion is a sign of my impending old age and a reminder of the many things I have not yet accomplished and going from long distance to short distance means I have to shave my legs more than twice a month and maybe we’ll realize we actually can’t stand each other and break up and life will be horrible but I’m not dwelling on those things right now. Today I am a Positive Patty, a Happy Henrietta, an Optimistic Oksana…I could do this all day, folks.

To celebrate my grand mood and reverse any lingering negative energies from my last post, herewith is a not-nearly complete list, with very limited commentary, of a few very strange, very specific things that never fail to fill me with glee.

Small children wit]h eyeglasses. It is well documented here how much I love kiddos, but none of them are cuter to me than the the ones with glasses. Not little girls with curly hair or little black boys with miniature Timberlands, not even twins wearing matching footie pajamas. It’s the bespectacled ones who get me every time. My kiddos will have to inherit this trait from their father, as I have 20-10 vision which is, NBD, better than perfect. I wouldn’t be surprised to find me trolling local sperm banks for donors with genetic eye disorders. Love me dem lil four eyes!

And please don’t call the authorities, I swear I’m not a pedophile.

Watching old eps of Law & Order and spotting now famous guest stars before they hit it big. Above you can see William H. Macy on the stand, testifying that he did not rape those girls at the drug rehab center when in fact, he so did do that. William H! You devil. Or have you seen the one where Victor Garber (spoiler alert!) gets the death penalty for murdering his wife, or John Krasinksi as a high school basketball star/witness? Love it! And check this out http://www.mediaite.com/tv/favorite-law-order-guest-stars-before-they-were-famous/.

Biting cleanly into a Kraft Single so I can see my teeth marks. If I die in a tragic fire, I hope they use cheese to check my dental records.

When cute old men still wear hats when out on the town.

Or older African American women who still dress to the nines for church.

When my land lady, who is crazy, but in like, a good way, decorates our apartment for holidays…or whatever. Above is our apartment at Halloween. At Christmas time it was adorned with wreaths, lights, strange furry polar bears and garlands a-plenty. All year long she has it decked out with plaques bearing biblical quotes (Our God Is An Awesome God!) and hundreds of photos of the Obama family. I love that crazy broad. This weekend she’s getting married (congrats, gurrl) and here’s what she’s done to the place:


I die!

Ok that’s all for now! TAFN! Off to Bodymore Murderland with this girl. You Sassy Sallies have a fantastic weekend and feel free to share your own happies in the comments!
(Please! I assume it goes with out saying that my ultimate happy maker is attention.)