One Awkward Iceberg, Right Ahead

Boo! Happy Day After Day of the Dead, everyone! Day of the Still Dead (Oof.)

Wanted to wish you a happy Halloween, but I guess it’s a little late for that. Did everyone have a nice howliday weekend? Mine was gah-reat. I went dressed as Rose from Titanic, a.k.a: Desperate for Attention:

Never let go, Jack. Never let go.

I was talking to my brother this afternoon (he was mortifyied by my costume) and he was like “walking around in a nude suit, that would probably make for a good awkward blog post,” and I maybe wish I could say that it was awkward, but honestly, it was like, the most awesome thing ever. I mean, look at that picture. That shit’s my masterpiece. DaVinci had the Mona Lisa, I have this i-Phone photo of myself in a nude suit. Masterpiece!

So needless to say I was feeling pretty scandalous, plus it was a holiday and my roommates were out of town and I was already fake naked so I decided I was going to find me a Jack for a night (JK, MOM!). We’d  recreate the famous hand print in the steamy window scene which would be a little different, since I’m not sure where we’d get an antique car, although the window beside my bed is like super filthy so I guess I could, you know, run my fingers through the New York City grime which would definitely match if not top the firey passion of the original and also, would have to involve us doing it outside of the 3rd floor window, which would be prettty freaky-deaky, indeed. (Who’s racy now, Kate Winslet?!) And then, instead of drowning, he’d not drown and live and be my boyfriend and we’d go on picnics and to the zoo.

But, sadly, (I mean happily, MOM!), this did not happen. Despite my very best efforts – “Guess what…underneath this leotard and bra and underwear and full-length, high-waisted tights and off-brand spanx midsection cincher, I’m naked for REAL” – I went home alone. Le sigh.

I guess I didn’t actually go home totally alone – I was accompanied by a really delicious turkey sandwich and fell asleep on the couch (and per my DVR, maybe watched episodes of ABC’s “Castle,” cool!) and then when I woke up there was still more sandwich left and it was all “yay more sandwich!” and no one got an STD (unless STD stands for Sandwichly Transmitted Deliciousness, in which case I got a WHOLE LOT) so I guess we can chalk it up as a win.

I actually re-wore the nude suit again the next day for a post Halloween brunch/football watching fiasco (HoBags still #1!) and tried again to land some talent and struck out again, but, I mean, in the light of day, covered in spilled bloody mary, the nude suit was looking a little less Rose and a lot more Gollum so I’m not too sad about that one.

But, still! I couldn’t help feeling a little bummed. Despite the STD free STD and the general funness of the weekend, what kind of a freak can’t pick someone up when they’re dressed like NAKED?! Ego wounded, I signed myself back onto OK Cupid (woof) and uploaded a bunch of new, legitamely cute photos of myself and with in a minute of updating: a message! I barely managed to whoop “ROSE STILL GOTS ITTTT,” when I opened the message and saw it was from a 34-year-old man whose profile picture was that of a dolphin. jumping. in the ocean. A DOLPHIN. Beggars can’t be choosers, I guess, but beggars are still probably better than 30+ men with Lisa Frank fetishes, this much I know.  I suppose he did restore my ego, after all.

My heart will go on!

18 thoughts on “One Awkward Iceberg, Right Ahead

  1. ZOMFG who took that amazing photograph someone should tell them they are TOTALLY wasting their skillz slogging away at their investment banking job (just a guess, totally wild guess) and should be a high fashionz photographer, get it HIGH fashion photographer not as in like haute couture, oh well you get it, oy I die, I literally die, and yes that means I saw Jesus (I hope)

  2. 2 things.

    LOVE you.

    Also, who is Dre? Dre… CASTLE is my jam. Let’s all hang out with Liz and discuss how awesome it is.

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  5. I love the nude suit! How cool do you look??? I think guys were intimidated by the no hook or snap thing. They were probably trying to figure out how to get you out of it!
    Thanks for bringing your awkwardness to the party!

  6. I think Susie/Morticia is right, they were totally intimidated by what is basically the oddest chastity belt ( suit?) I have ever seen. How long does it take you to get out of that thing? Pretty awesome pic.. oh and Morticia sent me. boo

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