One Awkward Date: Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man

Sorry for the late post tonight, gang. But I still have 1.5 hours left until EOD so resolution: still in tact. I had great intentions to post right after work, but then one thing led to another and I was out drinking beer, eating hot dogs and draining my checking account to $5.26. Whoops!

Anyway, a quick story I’ve been meaning to share: due to my utter lack of game and my impending family Christmas party, where I’ll surely be asked by each and every aunt & cousin if I’m seeing anyone and have to answer each and every time that nope, still single, nope no cats yet, yep I’ll definitely consider the Himalayan Long Haired, I’ve also heard they’re great at sensing loneliness and meowing appreciatively when they sense their owner is trying to make a pun, thanks for the suggestion, I’ve decided to re-dip my toes in the pool of online dating.

And I’m taking it seriously this time. For real. I updated my profile with normal photos (Ok, one photo in a penguin costume. And the Rose photo. But otherwise all normal), and relevant information and I’m being open minded. Really, really open minded, apparently. My first date, post ‘taking it seriously’ was last week and Holy Shit, you guys.

So, this guy seemed a little kooky but immediately offered to take me out for buffalo wings, which is pretty much the fastest way to my heart/pantalones so I agreed to a date. I (mis)read his profile information as off-beat, weird, class-clownish. I should have read them as totally fucking weird.

Touching just the highlights: he loves science fiction (fine) and doesn’t own a TV (warning sign) and has really, really small hands (call me shallow, but small hands give me the willies.) He’s developing a website that he calls ‘Facebook meets Match.com’ but instead of being anything at all like either Facebook or Match, the site provides subscribers with inspirational notecards (I think?) that give them hints on how to be more confident on the subway (??). So it’s more like Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul meets NYC MTA meets a printer. Once, in high school, he rode a bus from Boston to Michigan to live on the streets, like a homeless person, just for fun. Sometimes, he carries a tambourine around town so he can have ‘theme music.’ (He didn’t bring it on the date, unfortch.) He truly and deeply believes that there is a 65-year-old man in Cincinnati who is able to cure AIDS by having sex with infected people. Like, really believes this. (Don’t ask me why we were talking about AIDS on a first date. It’s already been established I have no game.) He made a vest out of cooler ice packs that he wears around during the summer so he doesn’t get hot.

“Like on your body?” I asked?

“No,” he responded (the duhhhhh was implied), “over a t-shirt. It’s too cold right next to your skin.”

“Riiight. Obviously. But doesn’t that get your t-shirt wet?”

“Yes (duhhhh still heavily implied) but it’s summer. It’s OK to have a wet t-shirt.”

“Sure. So, you just wear this to like, the office?”

“Yeah, under my suit. Or to the bars. I just ask the bartender to store it right next to the vodka so it stays frozen.”

Of course! Right next to the vodka! “Hiiiiii, barkeep! Mind slipping this bizarre ice-pack vest in next to the Stoli Raz? Wouldn’t want her to melt.”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg (collar of the ice pack vest?), the details I could remember. I should have brought a tape recorder. Dude was straight up ODD.

So yep! Things are going grrrreat. Open minded! At least I’ll have a good story to share at the Christmas party, I suppose? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fit my Himalayan Long Haired for a teeny, cat-sized, freezer vest.

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One Awkward Catholic Come-On

In case anyone is wondering how my online dating is faring, well, it’s just not. Basically, online dating is really time-consuming and, quite frankly, annoying.  You can only muster so much energy to e-mail dudes all like, “oh my gosh, you also are a human who eats food and once went on vacation? What a fascinating coincidence!” I mean, honestly I think I would prefer this whole internet dating scenario much more if the internet did all of the actual dating and flirting and stuff and I just stayed at home watching “Real Housewives” marathons and eating pickle spears until someone bought me a diamond ring.* But until they improve robot technology (so close!), I’m stuck sending inane, awkward e-mails or dying alone, my withered, pitiful, lifeless body embalmed in pickle brine.

But! I may have found a loophole. Sometimes, when you’re not even trying, the internet will just bring a man right to your doorstep…er, keyboard. For example, today I was corresponding professionally with a representative of a Catholic publication (one who might run a feature on, say, The Top 20 Rosaries of the Year) and apparently my ground-breaking communication strategy of being nice was misconstrued as some sort of come-on and the innocuous greeting “I hope you had a nice weekend” was met with the response “Oh yes, Saturday was very good — stories I could tell.  You would’ve enjoyed it ;)”** and then an invitation to continue our correspondence via personal e-mail.

Wait, I’m sorry, what? Last I checked we were arranging an interview about the early days of Christ (of the Son of God Christs) and now we’re talking weekends and winky faces? By only attending mass once per year for the last 8 years did I miss some integral lesson on Catholic mating rituals wherein the phrase “this confirms tomorrow’s phone interview” was actually an invitation to send sassy emoticons and then utilize our personal e-mails for (post-marital, unprotected) cyber sex?

I really should have paid more attention in Sunday school!

**It’s important to read this in a really low, sexy, come-hither sort of voice, while raising both of your eyebrows in unison.

One Awkward Online Date – A message!

One of the most commented upon items on my online dating profile is a reference to Kurt Vonnegut (because I am an intellectual, you guys).

Last evening I received a message from a gentleman saying “Kurt Vonnegut! I totally know him.” And I think he meant like, know him, know him, like as friends, probably during the second World War. He was that old.

One step closer to my soul mate!

One Awkward Online Date – An Intro

Hello, readers. I’d like to introduce you to new and recurring segment to this here blog: One Awkward Online Date. Except it will actually (god-willing) be lots of awkward online dates, but I have to keep with the theme. So just go with it.

Due to a variety of circumstances, including boredom, mild to moderate desperation and an intense need for some attention, I’ve decided to turn to the interwebs to git me a mans. Many people I know have had great success in this arena and I figure it can go one of two ways:

1.) A plethora of available men leave me so oversexed I can’t walk for weeks, until I eventually come across ‘The One’ and settle down for a life of white-picket-fenced bliss.

2.) awkward blog material.

It’s a win-win situation.

So, with the hopes of increasing both my love life and my blog life, I’ve decided to take on the challenge. I will test out a variety of online dating sites and report back with my ever-awkward findings.  So far I’ve been wading in the waters of OK Cupid, mainly because it is free. If I wanted to pay for love, I’d hire a gigolo. But, because this is a majorly important sociological experiment,  and you, my faithful readers are counting on me to be the best and most awkward I can be, I will eventually test out more sites. Even the expensive ones. It’s all for you guys, really.

In the words of the ever-wise Tobias Funke: “Let the great experiment begin!”