Another Awkward Week [2.14.14]

Me again? What! I’m having such a prolific week. I pinky swear I won’t so much as say the words “wedding dress” one time. I mean, except there, where I had to say it to tell you I wouldn’t say it. But no more. No more, I promise!

Hey, Happy Valentines Day, you guys!!! What are you guys doing to celebrate? I’m wearing my red pants (though suspiciously no new Valentines Day socks this year, mom?!?!) and will be hosting my Second Annual  Romantic Valentine’s Day Chip & Dip Party this afternoon. This year I’m taking it to the next level, conference room style. I’m even serving champagne! I will make V-Day fun for all, so help me Anna Howard Shaw.

If any of you are feeling grinchy and anti-Valentine this morning, allow me to redirect you to my manifesto on why it’s actually not that bad and say to you: cheer up, you grouch! I love you!

Speaking of love, I’d like to sincerely thank you all for your sweet comments & notes of support for my family during this last week. You’re a beautiful bunch, you know that?! Seriously. Thank you!

And now, without further ado, why don’t we take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week.

This Snowbank:

There’s literally nothing more boring than talking about the weather all the time, we get it, it’s cold out, but sometimes, it can not be helped. For example: this week. ENOUGH with the snow and ice and thundersnow and freezing rain and wintry mixes, Mother Nature. You’ve had your fun, let’s cut right to spring. I’m not joking around…I will hunt you down, Mother Nature, and I will hurt you.

Thanks to the horrors of this winter, the curbs and sidewalks of Brooklyn are now just buried in piles of ice and snow at all times. The other night I had a party after work, so came home pretty late. I’d worn my snow boots there and then changed into heels for the party, I’m such a classy bitch, and didn’t bother putting the boots back on to come home. I took a taxi home and was counting on door-to-door service, but forgot that the path to my door is paved in sheer ice. The taxi dropped me at the corner next to my building, I paid, exited, took one step towards my front door and yup…

bit it.

Booty on ice, legs in the air, arms flailing: bit it.

Enough, winter, enough.

I am now done complaining. Possibly.

This Cheese:

NOM.

This week’s adventures in large-scale grocery purchases. I guess I didn’t learn my lesson with that oatmeal.

If you’ll recall, last weekend I had some hawt plans to gorge myself on veggie lasagna (this recipe! so good!) and gorge myself I did. I hit up the grocery store Sunday AM and had ricotta on my list, but didn’t know how much I’d need for the ‘zan (attempting to abbreviate “lasagna.” NO, Liz, no). To be safe, I decided to just buy the largest tub I could possibly find. Turns out the recipe called for just 1/6 of this puppy.

Which leaves me with a large quantity of ricotta cheese just sitting in the fridge, tempting me, calling me, begging me to just grab a large spoon and stand in front of the fridge with the door wide open, shoveling ricotta right out of the container and into my face.

And OH have I been giving into that temptation. If you guys have never experienced the joy that is ricotta cheese straight up, I urge you to run, not walk, to your neighborhood grocery store and purchase the largest container you can possibly find. You can thank me later.

And on the subject of our hawt weekend…

This Bumping Nightclub:

Oh wait, no, that’s actually the laundromat, where Brian and I spent our Saturday night. We filled in the rest of the weekend doing our taxes, reorganizing the kitchen drawers and marathoning the epic Ken Burns masterpiece “The West.”

Um, yeah, we know how to party. This is how boring we are and we’re not even married yet! I’m so nervous (slash EXCITED!) for our future, where we just stay in every weekend and watch television and eat  noodles!!!!

And quickly on the topic of Ken Burns, basically his entire oeuvre is now available on Netflix, so if you, too, are a huge loser with many hours to fill ingesting thoroughly researched historical documentary miniseries…hop to.

This Ensemble:

Something that I love is the concept of  attractive “lounge wear.” Stores like Gap and Victoria Secret have whole lines of clothing dedicated to looking nice even while relaxing and TV and movies always show women somehow managing to look chic and cute while lazing around the home (especially Olivia Pope and her gorgeous cream colored satin wine clothes!)

I adore these outfits and aspire to some day look great even while getting my Ken Burns on but in reality…I am just not that gal.

The outfit above is a classic example of the sorts of get-ups I rock around the home. Plaids on plaids on stripes on stripes on neon and the reason my pants are so short is because I think it’s really comfy to hike my PJ bottoms all the way up so they’re basically sitting right below my boob line. It is an INSANELY sexy look. (Also what is that face?!)

And in case you’re curious what sort of spicy lingerie I’ll be changing into the second I get home this Valentines Evening…ding ding. You’re looking at it. Brian is a lucky man.

The End! What a week. Here’s wishing you a day full of hugs and smooches and candy hearts and photos of red roses captioned “Best boyfriend ever I’m such a lucky girl ❤ ❤ xoxo luv u hunny happy vday!” cluttering your facebook feed and all the chips and dips your heart could desire.

luv u hunnies happy vday!

Liz Ho

Some Awkward Crafts

Good Day to you, my friends. Did everyone have a most excellent Presidents Day? I did indeed! Who is your favorite president? Mine is Grant! Not Ulysses, Fitzgerald.

Who dat?

Oh just the fictional POTUS on the ABC television masterpiece Scandal. What you thought I’d pick a real person? Do you even know me? To be fair, Fitzy G seems like a pretty terrible president and generally awful person BUT he also has copious amounts of intercourse in and around the Oval Office and has a secret dark side and looks great in a navy blue suit. So 4 More Years Fitgzerald Grant!

Whatever. I’m just not a political gal. Know what else I’m not? Asian. Also: crafty.

Crafts are a realllll thing these days, especially in the blog world. Everyone’s got a Pinterest board and knows how to screenprint and makes wreaths and table runners and hand stamped lunch boxes and just generally DIY’s the hell out of life.  Me? I’m more D-I-Y-Do-It-Yourself-When-You-Can-Buy-Something-Better.

Ba dum bum, ping!

I mean, I want to be crafty. But  I also want blunt bangs. Some things just are not meant to be.

My pal Jamie is a crafty gal AND a crafty blogger, you can check out her scene over at 128 John St, where she shares lots of yummy recipes and DIY projects and general adorableness. What I think sets Jamie apart from other craft/cooking bloggers (aside from her clearly excellent taste in friends) is that she never ever takes herself too seriously or acts like she’s Ms. Perfect and it’s just the easypeasiest to whip up a homemade batch of pumpkin cheesecake on a Tuesday night. She makes giant messes and admits when something she tries turns into a disaster and I love her for it. But she’s also actually talented, don’t go thinking her blog is just a huge hot mess. Like, say, mine.

Jamie sweetly invited a group of girlfriends over a few Saturdays ago for a Valentines Themed Crafting Brunch complete with all sorts of cutesy stuff that I would normally scoff at (because I’m totes jeal) but in this instance, I approved:

Yes, those are heart shaped chocolate and banana sandwiches on homemade pound cake. I ate about 37 million.

I  approached the day with great enthusiasm (it might even have been my idea?) but quickly learned I was not cut out for this world. The night before brunch I met Jamie and our other equally craftastic friend Kathleen at Michael’s Crafts to get some supplies. The two of them ran around the store like they were on goddamn Supermarket Sweep scooping up all the latest and greatest in crafting supplies and I just sort of followed Kathleen around and bought whatever she did and became increasingly despondent that I was in over my head, have no creative vision and will never have the DIY hipster wedding I dream of.  Finally we settled on our purchases and headed home, but not before I made a quick pit stop at the Whole Foods wine store which sells 365 Brand wine for $3.

This has nothing to do with the rest of this story, I just felt like I needed to pass on that information.

Ok, so! Crafterday! It was a beautiful Saturday morning in Brooklyn. The first project Kathleen decided to do was to spraypaint old tins to use for storage. Here she is getting started, isn’t she pretty?

I decided to copy her and make tins for my tea since I keep pretending to give up coffee, maybe I’ll stick to it if I have some cute tea tins. We set ourselves up on Jamie’s balcony and I immediately ran into trouble. I was trying to open a can of spray paint and somehow managed to shoot the lid right off of the balcony and into the neighbor’s backyard. Um, sorry, neighbors. I then quickly learned that I had a faulty can of spray paint – the only way it would spray was to press it down hard with both thumbs until my hands were numb from the pressure. Instead of smooth, easy painting, my tins were clumpy and streaky and blotchy and you can still sort of see the original paint underneath. They also continued to smell like spray paint for dayssss afterwards, so my tea is probably quite poisoned.

I did come up with the genius idea to apply some pretty stickers to label the tins:

eeeeeh? I’ll give them a 6 out of 10.

But if you look from far away, they are actually pretty charming, no? Two for tea and one for “stuff” whatever that means. It would be the perfect size to hide my drugs, but sadly I’m a real DARE kind of gal. Maybe I’ll just use it for bobby pins or pennies or something.

The tins were 99 cents each, the stickers $4 for a few sheets and the spray paint was $12, bringing this project to a total of $17.98. Could I have just purchased much more attractive, less toxic tins for a smaller sum? Probably. But it was fun! Ish. It was fun ish. I would not really recommend this project, in the end, I think it turned out to be pretty dumb.

So! After I finished up this mess I turned to my next project which was making little clothespin magnets. I bought teensy clothes pins and some magnets with self-stick on them and applied the magnets to one side of the pins, then painted them with paint I borrowed from Jamie.

Here’s me looking super artistic with my painters palette which I initially bought as a joke, because I think I am just hilarious but actually turned out to be a helpful tool for paint storage.
Once I was done painting, I washed the brushes and palette in the kitchen sink and proceeded to get paint all over a bunch of dishes, whoops. I can only imagine that this is not great for health and now, in addition to poisoining my own tea, I’m pretty sure I’ve also poisoned Jamie and all of her roommates.

Sorry, guys.

So, how’d these turn out? Not bad!

I am actually pretty proud of these puppies – I made one for each of my roommates and a gross one for Brian that says “L ❤ B”, and I’m particularly proud of that one with the lil red hearts.

I’ll give this one a 8 out of 10. The clothespins were $5, magnets were $3, palette was $1.50 and paint was borrowed, so all told this came to under $10. I WOULD recommend this project for novice crafters and for children. It was easy and fun and if I could handle it without f-ing up, I’m pretty sure the average five year old could do a real bang up job.

Basically all of the projects I took on that day were kindergarten levels of difficulty while my more technically able friends were going to town with more complex projects.

Here is Jamie hand painting glassware:

And here is Kathleen delicately painting cursive lettering onto a tote bag:

But don’t worry, guys, I can totally cursive too. Here’s my last and probably best project, a hand made valentine for my mom:

That’s just some cardstock, sparkly stickers and the most awkward handwriting on the planet. Does this not look like it was made by a third grader with one hand? Be honest, I can handle it. This looks like the kind of nonsense you’d bring home from the elementary school Valentines Day party and your mom would hang on the fridge in a really dark spot where no one could see it before “accidentally losing it” a few days later.

But no, this is the home made card created by a 28-year-old lady with two perfectly working hands. WHY don’t I have my own Etsy shop yet?

I did manage to salvage some scraps of this project and pulled together four pretty decent V-tines, one each for my mom, sister, brother and Briguy:

I’m sure you can guess which one is for Brian, hah. The one with just the heart in the center is for my bro. I wanted to make him a more manly valentine but I only had glittery heart stickers so I made him that and the message inside said “Have a very sparkly Valentines Day!”

So manly.

A few pieces of card stock cost me about $2.50, the stickers were $3.99 for a sheet of 12 and I used markers & envelopes that Jamie had laying around, bringing this project to about $6.50. Even if you had to purchase markers & envelopes you could do this on the cheap and I know my valentines really appreciated the handmade effort so, despite the shaky start, I would give this craft a 10 out of 10 and recommend it wholeheartedly to everyone! Adults, children, animals, everyone.

And that is the story of my craft day! Aren’t you impressed with me? You should be.

The best parts of the day were tangentially craft related. The first being when I split my pants in half before going out to dinner and drinks (remember that?!) and the second being when I arrived at said drinks and a bouncer asked to search inside my bag. You see, when creating my plan to go from day crafting to night partying, I forgot to take into account that I’d have to lug my supplies and finished products around with me for the full evening. I also did not take into account that I might be wandering around town with an exposed hoo-haa. Instead of all these dumb tins and magnets I should have been crocheting a crotch patch – like an eyepatch for your crotch! You could carry it around with you in case of any pants ripping emergencies and then would tie it around your waist to cover any exposed bottom bits. So basically an apron. But still, copyright me, this moment, you can’t steal it.  Anyway, I arrived at the bar with a huge totebag full of idiotic stuff. Each of the painted tins was wrapped in a plastic shopping back, lest they get any of that toxic, still slightly wet paint on my tote bag, and the bouncer asked me what was inside.

“uh…craft supplies?” I responded, unconvincingly. He made me hold up the line showing him everything I was lugging around. Oddly enough he did not get down on his knees right then and there and BEG me to make him hand made valentines for his friends and loved ones. Your loss, bouncer man. I am a creative genius.

And that, my fine friends, is my adventure into the Wide World of Crafting. I just need an outfit post, a few recipes and a baby and I can be a real blogger!

Another Awkward Week [2.15.13]

Good morning, my beloveds! Did everyone have a nice Valentines Day? I wore red pants to work (the second time this week I wore those pants, shhhh) and invented a new VDay tradition that I am pretty excited about. I wanted to do something cute for my co-workers, since I am now the face and voice and body of Valentines Day Positivity, so I was trying to think of fun ideas. Everyone does candy and cupcakes and sweets and I don’t have enough money to buy diamonds or roses for all of my work buds, so I thought, what do I love most of all in this world?

Easy. Chips and dip!

So I invited a few of my colleagues to join me for a mid-afternoon snack break in my office “resplendent with chips, dip and romance.”

We ate our faces off, watched Justin Timberlake videos and listened to the Bodyguard Soundtrack.

Now THAT is love, my friends.

Speaking of romantic, last night Brian and I did prettttty much what we do every night,  just with slightly more elaborate food and better underwear (sorry Mom). My gift to him was a home cooked chicken pot pie, something he’d been craving lately, and it was delicious. To really make things special I also wrote a romantic love poem about our meal:

A regular John Keats over here!

I thought of this dumb rhyme like two weeks ago and have been just laughing about it ever since. I slay myself. Good God, I am hilarious.

And that was my Valentine’s Day! Here’s what else was keeping it awkward this week:

This Backpack:

This is my laundry bag, overflowing as always. I have to go to a laundry mat (laundromat? is that actually a word?) up the street from my apartment and always look REALLY cool strutting through the neighborhood with this pack on  my back. This weekend I took a haul of dirty clothes and on my way to the laundrymat (Laundroplace?) I decided to stop into a bodega to get some juice which of course ended with me slamming this gigantic backpack of filthy clothes into the shelves and knocking over a few boxes of food and then I just ran out of the store without buying any juice because there was really no way I could make this situation work for me.

I can never go back there again.

Related: I would seriously chop off a limb to have laundry in my building. Just in my building! I don’t even need it inside my own apartment, just somewhere that does not require me to strap on this beast and walk around town.

New York, I love you, but you suck so hard sometimes.

This Coffee Shop:Am I crazy, or does that say “Vag”?

This Mug:

I bought it at Marshall’s earlier this week on my lunch break (Treat Yo Self) and think it is just the cutest.  I came back from my errands and filled a different cup with emergen-c, because I am an addict, and was sitting there, drinking my vitamins and catching up on my emails and thought “oh, while I’m sitting here, I’ll peel the price sticker off of the bottom of my mug, so I can use it later,” so I picked up my mug and turned it upside down, except WHOOPS I picked up the wrong cup, the one filled with emergen-c, and poured it all over my desk and pants.

Attractive.

And yes, I was wearing jeans to the office. I might be a lazy slob, but here’s what happens when I try to look cute:

These Tights:

Riddled with holes. I was beyond proud of myself on Monday, I wore a dress and HEELS to the office. Heels, you guys. High heels. Like a grown ass classy lady. Only I looked down partway through the day to realize that I had gigantic runs and holes creeping up my legs. I give up!

And that was my week! One fun thing about doing these weekly roundups, aside from the attention, obviously, is that I’ve started to notice some defining patterns in my life. I think if you had to sum up the three main themes in my One Awkward Life they would be Ripped Clothing, Pantyhose and Spilling Things On My Desk.

What would define YOUR life??

Everyone have a splendiforous weekend – a 3 day weekend for me, Holla George Washington!, and keep that VDay love alive!

xo Liz Ho

Love Awkwardly

Hugs and kisses, everyone! It’s almost Valentine’s Day! Oh what’s that you’re saying? You hate Valentine’s Day? Love is a sham? This holiday was just invented by Hallmark to sell greeting cards? I don’t need anyone telling me when to show my love, I do it just fine myself!

Well, well, weellll, aren’t you just a ray of sunshine.

Here’s the thing: I like Valentine’s Day! I think it is cute and I like candy and I like wearing red and I like love.

Is it an invented, overly commercialized holiday? Sure. But honestly: what’s not? I mean, Christmas was invented by the Christians to celebrate Jesus’ birthday, and then hijacked by department stores. St. Patrick’s Day was invented by Irish Americans so they had an excuse to barf in public at least once a year. And Halloween?I mean, WHAT is even going on there? All holidays are weird and made up. You can be a grouchasaurus or you can put on your big kid panties and have a good time.

I feel like every holiday I encounter at least one person who refuses to celebrate. “New Years Eve is such pressure, I’m staying home.” “Oh, I don’t do Halloween.” Lame!

I “do” everything. Why not?! I understand that there is a lot of external, cultural pressure to make holidays into a big ol’ thang – dinner reservations and money spent and gifts exchanged and general high expectations abounding – but the way I see it, holidays are, at their very base level, a chance to turn an ordinary ho-hum day into something slightly more entertaining, whether you go all out or just add some themed candy to your daily diet. And Valentine’s Day, despite its current reputation of being the dumbest, lamest, worstest holiday in all of the land is no exception.

Would I be singing a different tune, were I not in a committed relash? No, I would not. Yes, I now am lucky enough to spend my days with a fella who happens to have the best face and butt in the Greater New York City Region and that certainly adds to my enjoyment of V-Day 2013, but I have always had fun on Valentine’s Day, even in years when I did not have a special love buddy.

[A disclaimer: I truly hate when coupled up folks reminisce all, “Oh, well, back when I was single…”, I find it very smug and self satisfied and frankly insulting, like “look at me, my life is better than yours now,” and I certainly don’t want to come across in that manner. I only bring this up to acknowledge that yes, sure, I am in a state of romantic bliss at this time, but my enjoyment of El Dia de los Valentinos is not contingent on checking off that particular box on my Liz Stats profile. I’m also so uncomfortable talking about honest emotions in public that I just called my committed adult boyfriend my “special love buddy,” sooo yeah…]

For me, Valentine’s Day is a chance to take one day out of the gross, dismal month that is February to celebrate everything and everyone you love. Your mom, your cat, your friends, your kid, everyone! Most of my favorite VD memories and by VD I mean Valentine’s Day, not Venereal Disease, have nothing to do with romantic love. Like the year I came into the office to find that a sweet colleague had stuck homemade heart-shaped valentines to everyone’s computer monitor. I kept mine hung up for years, until I had to move offices. Or every year wearing a brand new pair heart patterned socks, a gift from my mama who makes sure to send the package a few days early, so I’ll have socks to wear on the day itself. (She sends us care packages for every single holiday even though we’re pushing 700 years old, because she is the cutest.) Or the year my best friend came to town on VDay weekend. We went ice skating in a snowy central park before meeting up with another pal and getting rip-roaringly drunk over pub cheeseburgers.

 

None of these things were particularly romantic, nor were they that much above and beyond what I might encounter on my day-to-day life, but just knowing that it was a holiday made socks and cards and pints (and pints and pints and pints) of beer seem all the more special.

Or how bout this: I remember one year in college, we must have been sophomores. I was living with seven other girls in a campus apartment and we were thick as thieves. And all of us as single as…single cell organisms. Or something else that starts with “S” and is traditionally found alone. But we weren’t alone! We had each other and Carrie Bradshaw as it sounds, that was more than enough. We all dressed in our finest reds and pinks and went to dinner at our favorite local spot (shout-out Paper Moon Diner, Baltimore, MD!) and shared fries and breakfast for dinner and probably also a few milkshakes and slices of cheese cake and it was a true delight. A delight, I say! It was a popular trend at the time, mostly on AOL Instant Messenger, our fave, to write out “143” as a sign of cutesy endearment for your boyfriend or your family or your best gurlz: I Love You.

I = one letter
LOVE = four
YOU = three

143.

That Valentine’s Night at Paper Moon our total dinner bill came to…you guessed it…one hundred and forty-three dollars. $143.

Coincidence? Almost certainly. Adorable story proving that Valentine’s Day is a lovers delight whether or not your lovers = a group of awkward Disney Channel fans chowing down on western omelets or, you know, bow-chicka-bow-wow lovers? Aaaaaabsolutely!

These are things that I love: Socks. My mom. Sweet friends. Booze. Breakfast for dinner. And, yes, my special love buddy. While I don’t need Hallmark or TV or whoever to remind me to celebrate them just once a year, celebrate them I will. This Thursday I’ll wear pink or red and my new socks and maybe even some spicy underpinnings and hand out candy…and eat candy…and wish all of you a Happy Valentine’s Day, whether you are married or single or polyamorous or a crabbapple who insists you just don’t do Valentine’s Day. Especially you! For try as you might to resist it, as the great Hugh Grant once reminded us, Love Actually IS All Around Us.

Happy Valentines Day, Haters!

One Awkward Love Cruise

I know we’re still deep in the midst of Christmas but I need you to look ahead a quick sec to February and answer the timeless question: What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?

Now, I know most of you will be busy either a) making love to your one and only atop a pile of rose petals or b) watching Lifetime and downing a smoothie made of chardonnay, Hagen Daz, tears and Xanax, depending on your romance status, but I found something special that I think all of us could really enjoy:

Your eyes do not deceive you! In honor of their 20th Anniversary, American music legends Boyz II Men will reunite to host a special Valentine’s Day Love Cruise. Amenities include:

• Boyz II Men Welcome Cocktail Party
• Boyz II Men Experience with all band members
• Concert performance by Boyz II Men
• Additional Fan Appreciation Concert by Boyz II Men
• Special Ceremony – Renew Your Wedding Vows Onboard with Boyz II Men
• Singles Mixer with Boyz II Men
• Photo Session with Boyz II Men in small groups
• Question & Answer Session with Boyz II Men
• Formal Prom Night
• Poker Tournament
• Deck Party with Boyz II Men & Guest DJ
• 2 Additional Deck Parties with DJ’s
• Gift Bag
• Other onboard drawings for exclusive Boyz II Men Event Opportunities!
• Full Access to all of Carnival’s activities and facilities!
• VIP Concierge at your service!

!!!!!! Formal Prom Night!!!!! I would cut off both of my legs and just hop around the dance floor on my bloody stumps if it meant I could go to prom, on the open seas, with B II M. (Only like 20% joking.)

Also: GREAT news, they offer a variety of packages/cabin sizes with room for 1 – 4 guests, so there’s something for everyone! Marrieds, singles, sister wives, everyone! (They even have a roommate matching service for spinsters, awwwww.) Also, ALSO (so many alsos!) you can renew your wedding vows on board in a special ceremony with the band (gah!) AAAAAND, this:

Have you ever dreamed of having Boyz II Men be a part of your Wedding Day?
Carnival Cruise Lines offers a limited number of wedding ceremonies performed onboard. First Come First Serve as only 3 weddings per port.

YES YES YES!!! I have dreamed of that every single day of my life since I was 7 years old and first discovered Boyz II Men and my mom wouldn’t let me buy their CD because she thought the song “I’ll Make Love to You” was inappropriate, even though, if you listen to the lyrics, it’s actually a really, sweet, tender song, (pour the wine, light the fire, girl your wish is my command), especially in light of all of the rap songs you hear these days, where everyone talking about like, fucking hos from behind on the roof of a Benz or whatever they do, and anyway, that song is magical and despite being banned from listening, I would still watch the music video on VH1 whenever I went to my friend Becky’s house, and I was like “THIS IS LOVE!” and then I knew what true romance meant and so yes, a million times yes, I would definitely like Boyz II Men to be a part of my Wedding Day!

So now I just need a groom! (Or bride, whatever! Are gay marriages allowed in international waters?) E-mail me: oneawkwardyear@gmail.com. Or if anyone’s just interested in going halfsies with me on this trip, also e-mail me. (By “halfsies” I mean you pay for the whole thing and I sleep on the other half of the cabin.)

 In case you still need some convincing:

(AAAAAAAHHH! Matching striped button downs and white jorts!!!!!)

 And before you can ask, yes, maybe I AM going to include a Boyz II Men video in every blog from now on. What of it?