Hey, snowflakes. How y’all doing doing today? I generally try to avoid getting too personal or serious here in what is essentially my endless internet stand-up comedy routine but I’m hoping I might ask you all for a bit of a favor. Earlier this week, one of my aunts passed away unexpectedly. She had a beautiful soul and will be missed by all those who knew her. This week my mom also lost a cousin, so both sides of my extended clan are reeling. In sharing these stories with some very sweet, caring friends, I’ve heard similar tales of loss and heartache over the past few months and realized that this winter’s been tough on a lot of people, in different ways.
I wonder if I might ask all of you to send a little extra love into the world today, in honor of my Aunt Anne, and all of those who are feeling heavy hearts right now.
Thank you all, sweet friends. It means a lot to me!
Now I shall insert a terrible segue here about how laughter is the best cure for all pains (minus the pain of recovering from stomach surgery…ouch) and do what I always do when I don’t know how to express appropriate emotions which is make dumb jokes and talk about myself! You’re welcome, world.
The hottest news in Liz Ho Land this week: my cell phone is once again on the fritz which would generally stress me out but honestly, at this point, it’s almost funny. Once my new replacement arrives (hopefully this afternoon!), I’ll have been through four phones and two batteries in the last 5 months. Impressivo! I swear I’m not doing anything wrong, it just happens! If I could keep a phone functioning long enough to become annoying enough to be the sort of person who “checks in” places, I would be the Mayor of the TMobile store at the corner of Flatbush and 7th.
It’s astounding. You know how in gardening they say some people have a green thumb and others have a black thumb and kill everything they try to grow? I think I have a black thumb for technology. All of my phones mysteriously crash and burn. My digital camera? Broken. My laptop is barely 2 years old and overheats so badly I’ve actually burnt my flesh on it and it sounds like an airplane taking off when you leave it on too long. Every technological device I touch just withers in my hands.
Incidentally, I also have a black thumb for gardening, too…the combo of these gives me deep concerns for the safety of my future children.
Luckily my hot cell piece lived long enough to snap some shots so why don’t we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week:
Yes, this tub is basically large enough to feed the entire Olympic Village at Sochi for the duration of the 2014 Winter Games and probably a bit much for one young lady who decided she’s actually kind of over oatmeal after all, BUT when I saw a stack of these 80 gallon tubs marked as on-sale for just $1.99 EACH at my local grocery emporium this weekend, I couldn’t help but grab one.
Probably should have taken a moment or two to consider where in the pile I was grabbing. Middle? You know better than that, Liz.
Pulling out a tub of oats sent three more cascading to the floor, where they rolled down the aisle, one getting stuck under the wheels of another shopper’s cart.
Adding insult to injury (this is just a saying, don’t worry, no one was injured by falling oatmeal tubs), I looked at my receipt when I got home and realized that the cashier had charged me full price – so this whole grab-n-tumble situation wasn’t even worth it! I mean, yes, they still cost only $3.99, I eat nothing but the finest brands, BUT STILL.
My umbro is so sensitive, always popping open at the slightest of touches – especially when dropped on the floor, which I apparently do all the time. Like the other night in the ladies’ room at my office.
It made me laugh out loud on a pretty sad day, so yay for funny umbies. I was the only person in the br at the moment so I risked a quick moment to snap a pic for le blog anddddd obviously no sooner have I whipped out my phone for a casual photo shoot then the door swings open and in walk a number of other women, all my professional superiors.
Nothing to see here, ladies. Nothin’ to see.
This Paper Sports Betting Game:
Also known as a “pool” …something that apparently everyone knew except me.
We had a few people over on Sunday to watch The Super Bowl (will I get sued for calling it that in print?) and Brian put this whole chart contraption up on our wall. Guests arrived and I eagerly pulled them over to gush enthusiastically about this cool fun betting game that Brian had just invented, did everyone want to hear more about it, only to be laughed basically out of my own home.
I guess these “pool” things have been around forever and were NOT invented by Brian just for our party. And everybody but me knew that?
Did you know about this? Are you all having fun and gambling on sports without me?!!
I won zero dollars, in case you’re curious. THANKS FOR NOTHING PEYTON MANNING!
That’s glitter, not blood.
One of my cousins have been going through some rough stuff the past few weeks (double down on the happy thoughts, please!) so I decided I would make her a little “Thinking of You” craft project since, you know, I’m so great at crafting.
I don’t have any photos of the finished product (it’s a magic wand!) but rest assured that my office is still covered in red glitter a week later and the gift looked like it was made by a blind one-armed orangutan instead of an adult woman with PERFECT vision (it’s true) and two working hands.
I know they say it’s the thought that counts but execution should probably count for something too.
In this case it’s totally the thought that counts, as FedEx seems to have lost my package in transit, ruining my attempt at kindness, forcing me to take to the interwebz to really just humblebrag it all up and make sure everyone knows that I tried to do something nice but the mailman is totally harshing my vibe.
I’d try to track it down butttt I may have sent this very personal package via my work mail system which isn’t necessarily a no-no, but it’s definitely not a yes-yes sooooo calling the mail room and causing a scene might only end with me getting in trouble so I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope this miraculously is delivered someday.
If only I had a magic wand to wave. OH WAIT!
(Smooches & hugs to you, Marcy, if you’re reading this!)
And that, my friends, is that. What are y’all up to this weekend? We’re due for more snow and I’m actually a little excited by that. After this week I just want to hunker down, snuggle up with Brian (who has the flu and better not give it to me or his ass is GRASS), cook veggie lasagna (I’m on a very specific “eat my feelings” diet) and sort of rejuvenate via hibernation. A blustery, gustery weekend lends just the air of coziness to round out the scene I’m building in my head so let’s do this thing, weather. Don’t let me down.
Here’s hoping you all have something sliiiightly more exciting planned or if you, too, are finding yourself or your loved ones in tough times this season, go right on ahead and hop aboard this Love Train I’m starting. There’s room for everyone!
[I was extremely obsessed with this Gap commercial in my youth which is prettty weird but I did own and wear that first striped sweater basically every single day the winter of my senior year of high school, cool story, plus this song is scientifically proven to lighten even the darkest corners of the world. Fact!]