Another Awkward Week [1.30.14]

Goood morning, you perfect sunflowers. How was everyone’s week? Mine was…meh. I’m in the midst of the blissful lady time known as pre menstrual syndrome and have been basically a living breathing cliche of a hormonal woman. Judd Apatow himself couldn’t write me better.  I was even more hyper-emotional than usual which, as you can imagine, is a real treat. I nearly burst into tears at the slightest of upsets (count your blessings you were not present Wednesday when I was six minutes late to a department meeting at work and almost threw myself out the window in melodramatic despair) and all I wanted to do was eat chocolate chip cookies and listen Taylor Swift. Which is basically my regular life, I know, but this week, it was all the ballads you guys.

THE BALLADS!

Ladies are like…I know it all too well! HAHA get it? NO please don’t. That’s a lyric to a Taylor Swift song. WHAT is wrong with me, I need a musical slash life intervention like, yesterday.

If only we could go Back to December…Speak Now if you’d like me to keep this going…NOPE. Nope. I’m done. Let’s end this TSwizzles fest and take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week.

This Coffee:

Sunday morning I woke up at like 7 AM semi hungover and totally groggy and realized we were out of coffee, so I bundled myself up for the subarctic temperatures and struck out in search of some joe. (Or, jo, if you’re being tricky in Scrabble, which…don’t even get me started.) I could and probably should have just gone to the coffee shop on the corner and had them give me an already brewed cup, but on weekends, it’s just so much nicer (and more cost-efficient!) to brew at home. Plus you can drink out of a real mug, instead of one of those terrible, flimsy paper cups that always leaks out the lid and gets all over your mittens. Or does that just happen to me?

I had a number of options for purchasing coffee within a few block radius of my home: bodegas which have the cheap stuff BUT don’t take credit cards or fancy organic grocery stores that mostly only carry the expensive stuff but take plastic. As I had no cash, I decided to try my luck with the swanky place.

Now, Brian and I are coffee snobs, but like, on opposite day. We stand very firmly in our belief that the fancy stuff is overrated. Bring us a plain old cuppa joe! Preferably Chock Full O’ Nuts but we’ll go with a Folgers if necessary. None of this fancy, shade grown, pure bean, slow pour hipster bullshit.

I’m sure that stuff actually tastes “better” and is organic and fair trade, while we’re drinking the equivalent of carcinogenic motor oil picked by child slaves in Somalia or whatever and I do feel bad about that, I DO! I feel bad about everything, literally every single thing that I eat or drink or do but sometimes I just don’t have the money or energy to do the right thing, so I’m just going to go right ahead and enjoy my cheap, slave labor coffee.

Today’s unnecessary long winded guilt stricken rant brought to you by the letter C…for coffee!

Anyway, where was I? Oh! In the coffee aisle of the grocery store. Which is actually just a shelf right in front of the register. I was the only customer in the store, so the two clerks got a real show of me wandering around like a homeless person in my 2 layers of sweatpants, fur boots and ear-band over top of a hat over top of bedhead.

I have long maintained that the hardest thing to do before coffee is acquire coffee and this shopping spree proved that theory. OF course they had no regular coffee, and I wasn’t nearly awake enough to make any quick decisions so I stood there staring at all of the options, wandering back and forth, touching all the containers of coffee, staring at labels, trying to figure out if I’d prefer Guatemalan over Colombian. Most of the coffees they sold were whole bean which honestly,why? Why would you make yourself go through all that effort? This is America. In the 21st Century. You can pay someone to do that for you.

I mean, again, yes, it’s probably an impoverished 8-year-old but come on. Get over yourself. No one thinks you’re cool because you smush up your own coffee beans, ok?

(Said the woman who refuses to buy bottled salad dressing…pot calling the coffee ketttle super black.)

Finally, 20 minutes later, I settled on a bag of coffee that did not anywhere on the label at all, trust me on this, guys, say that it was whole beans, paid a cool $12.99 for the stuff (as compared to $5 for a can of chock fulla!) and slogged my self home fantasizing about a steamy, dreamy cup of coffee. I ripped open the bag and OH WAIT … IT WAS WHOLE BEAN!

Come on. Is this grounds for a law suit? I’m going to go ahead and assume YES. I mean, hair dryers have to include  a warning not to put them in the bath tub, I think coffee distributors should be legally mandated to give their friendly customers a heads up on their bean situation BEFORE they shell out approximately six hundred dollars for their overpriced nonsense. I’m seriously taking this straight to the White House.

I’m sure they’ll have time for me just as soon as they resolve this whole Bieber situation.

So, after all that, I strapped my outdoor gear back on, walked over to the coffee shop and did what I probably shoulda done in the first place: I bought a takeaway coffee, in a flimsy paper cup. And honestly…it was delicious.

While I was gone, McGyver Scott tried to grind the beans in our food processor and it did NOT work. Sadly I missed this whole process which is probably for the best, as I would have likely videotaped it and put it on the internet with 50 paragraphs about how great he is … I’m becoming like a weird stage mother to my boyfriend. It’s creepy.

In other grocery shopping news…

This Olive Oil:

$6 for a full liter, only at Trader Joe’s. Once you’ve purchased oil at the Teej there is NO turning back. I can’t justify buying it anywhere else. It’s just so cheap! We ran out this week so I had a TJ’s trip scheduled for Wednesday night when a friend suggested happy hour instead.

I know what you’re thinking, another drunk Trader Joe’s trip, Liz? NO! I solved my Trader Joe’s splurging issue by shopping before I hit the bar.

I mean, OK sure, were the bags of groceries super bulky and awkward as I tried to push myself into the one snug open seat at the swanky wine bar? Yes.

Did the super attractive couple trying to enjoy their date next to me give me suuuurious side-eye as I rearranged my food purchases around me like a bag lady? Sure!

Did they give me double the side-eye when I then spotted a better seat had opened up a mere two minutes later, grabbed my groceries, coat, hat and cetera and begged them to move their chairs so I could snag those seats before anyone came? Of course.

Yes, all of these things happened and yes I definitely caused a scene and yes I then spent $30 on wine which kind of negated the whole olive oil savings which was the reason for this whole trip in the first place but it was worth it guys, it was. I finally found a way to keep my impulse shopping in check while in Trader Joe’s! I just need to make sure I shop for necessities on my way TO somewhere, then I’ll be forced to put down the frozen spanikopita and chocolate covered espresso beans and 8 lb bag of sweet potatoes: ain’t no room for that!

I am a money saving, grocery shopping genius.

This Sleeve:

The other morning I changed my outfit three times because everything I tried on felt too sloppy. Finally settled on a semi-nice cream colored top only to get to work and find the sleeve covered in this ENORMOUS stain.

And it was bone dry, so definitely way old and not fresh coffee. What IS that? How long has it been there? And how sloppy were my other clothes if THIS was the best I could come up with?!

Classay.

Speaaaaking of sleeves…

This Sweater:

But wait! We’ve seen this sweater before. OH YEAH. Just wanted to reassure you that I’m still wearing this bad boy, pen stains, huge holes and all. I’ma keep wearing this until it just literally disintegrates right off my body.

Aaaaand I am done now. I’m done! I’m going to go pour myself a piping hot cup of home brewed, non-organic, cheapass coffee, crank up the T Swift and get this day STARTED.

Smooches!

Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [1.25.13]

If I were to run for president, which I would most certainly never do, the stress would literally kill me dead, but let’s just say I had it in me to handle all of that pressure and decision making power, the very first bill I would sign up on Capitol Hill would be to enforce a mandatory four day workweek. Life is just 700% better with long weekends.

Speaking of Capitol Hill, do any of you watch the show Scandal? I’ve been meaning to catch up but you know, life, can’t win ’em all. I somehow just found myself watching one episode with absolutely no context or understanding of characters or plot and good GOD, I am hooked. This show is…arousing. How have I been missing this?!

Aaaaand moving on, before I need a cold shower, here’s what else was keeping it awkward this week:

These Guys:

(via)

Ok not actually awkward in the slightest, I just wanted to share my greatest achievement of 2013 to date: I finally caught up on Breaking Bad! Did I fail to blog on Monday because I was in the midst of an all MLK Day marathon? Maybe. Was it worth it? YEAH BITCH!

This Late Night Snack:

Wine and chocolate sauce straight from the jar with a fork because that’s what came out of the drawer first and I was too lazy to try again for a spoon. My clean & kind eating plan is going GREAT.

This Belt:

I was pretty proud of this outfit, actually, don’t I look preppy and put together, minus the hair/face? And the way my tucked in shirt kind of gives me a Santa belly? Whatever, I look great. You can’t tell from the photo but the pants are hunter green. So on trend. But I forgot how annoying belts are when deployed for their actual purpose. I wear belts as fashion accessories over sweaters or shirts or what have you but it’s been years since I’ve actually worn one around my hips, through my belt loops. WHAT a disaster. This belt was maybe .0001 inches too big for the loops so every time I had to pee, which was probably 47 times, I drink a lot of water, I had to get the belt out of the loops and it would get stuck in there and I’d have to wrestle it out and then unhook it and untuck my shirt and then retuck and rebelt and reloop and no thank you. Why would anyone ever wear a belt? I just want to wear leggings and Old Navy brand v-neck t-shirts all day every day.

But since I’m forced to dress for the outdoors I wear…

This Sweater:

Yes, that is my elbow today replete with gigantic holes, pulls and pen stains. But if I scoonch the sleeves up to 3/4 length, ya can’t even tell! The holes have been growing and growing for months and I still won’t throw this out our buy new clothes. Fashion Icon .

This Couple:

This picture is atrocious so let me paint you a picture. Or rather scan you a diagram I drew on a napkin right then and there so I could share on this here blog:

Ok! Over the weekend my friend Red and I saw Silver Lining’s Playbook (really cute! But they needed thicker Philly accents. You don’t set a film in Philadelphia and not have the characters say “wooter” at least 6 times, you just don’t.) and then grabbed a few drinks at a nearby watering hole. The bar had these sort of high wooden cubicles with tables in them, which I tried to depict in my amazing diagram above. It sounds weird, but trust me. Because we were just 2 they sat us in a cubicle with two small tables pushed right next to one another. Red and I sat at one side(exhibit A) and no sooner had we ordered our first rounds of wine (of 4, I think…or 5? Yikes) when a couple was seated at the other tiny table in our cube, just inches away from us (that blue blob in the corner is my shoulder) and promptly started full on making out. Like, bumping, grinding, passionately going to TOWN on each other. Every so often they’d pry their lips apart but remain in full snuggle position, rubbing noses, whispering in each other’s ears, nuzzling. It was horrifying. And hilarious. Red and I attempted to continue our conversation while surreptitiously snapping photos of the randy couple, which seems creepy now that I think about it but THEY STARTED IT! This went on for probably an hour and they did not seem embarrassed. Even when the waitress kept coming by to check drink orders, they’d just pull their lips apart, order another drink, resume. Our waitress didn’t even blink an eye! Pervy if ya ask me! Why didn’t we leave? Well: wine.

But SRSLY people. If I wanted to watch two people get that freaky on each other I would have gone home, put on some soft mood lighting, and fired up some Scandal. Holy White House Erotica, this show is bananas. Which is not a sexual euphemism, despite the context clues.

And that’s that! Short post for a short week. What’s everyone up to this weekend? I’m hoping for snow! I just pushed a wrong button on my keyboard and now my font is giant and I’m too lazy to figure out how to fix it. SORRY IT LOOKS LIKE I’M YELLING. EVERYONE HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!

 

XO Liz Ho. Now it’s normal again! Technology!

Another Awkward Week [12.28.12]

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza or Winter Solstice or Non Denominational December Vacation Day or whatever it is you might celebrate. I spent the last week at home in Pennsylvania and it has been lovely. I did all of my favorite things: watched Muppet Christmas Carol multiple times, went to the movies, hung out with my family, wept in the bathtub while drinking wine and reading a sad book (every year I save up my saddest entertainment for when I go home, last year it was the FNL finale, so that I can get in a good bubble bath cry. That’s normal, right?), ate myself into oblivion and generally had a blast. Plus, we had a White Christmas!

So pretty!

Despite all the fun, I couldn’t help feeling like this Christmas went by too quickly. I know it is a cliche to say that every year goes quicker than the last, but 2012 really seemed to zip by. I’m going to make a concerted effort in the New Year to try to focus on the moment and slow things down.

But talking about the passage of time is a surfire snooze inducer, so let’s change the subject! Here’s what was keeping it awkward this festive holiday week:

This Photo ID:

Because it is FINALLY legal! I know you’ve all been a part of this license saga from the beginning, so I’m pleased to share that I have finally renewed my drivers license and am once again a functioning member of society. Or at least just a semi-functioning person who is now allowed to drive a car. I’d suggest you all get off the road now.

This picture is horrible. My DMV clerk was about 60, a woman with long grey hair in two pigtails done Native American style with multiple bands at intervals down the plait and had tons of turquoise jewelery adorning her periwinkle fleece vest. She spoke in a very condescending, strange way “ok now you use this nice pen to sign your beautiful signature…there you go! good job!” and kind of creeped me out. I tried to smile in a serene, mature way because, I don’t know why, I’m insane, and the photo is clearly hideous. But after old pigtails asked me why I “hid my pretty teeth” I couldn’t decide if she was being insulting or encouraging so just choked and told her to hit print.

WOOF!

These Sweaters:

Just kidding, they are amazing. My favorite holiday tradition is Christmas Eve. We’ve spent the past 26 years celebrating with our very dear family friends and every year is better than the last. This year we were gifted some seriously sassy holiday sweaters. Damn we look good.

This Trivial Pursuit Card:

Which came up during family game night on my turn to read. Specifically the yellow question which asks: “Which Greek philosopher’s last words before dying of hemlock poisoning, were: “I owe a cock to Asclephius; will you repay him”?

The answer is Socrates. And also, no, Liz is NOT mature enough to read a question about someone owing someone else a cock during family game night…

This Blob:

This is a horrible photo but trust me when I say it depicts a giant red wine stain on my mom’s living room carpet, courtesy of yours truly. Merry Christmas, Mom! Oh, and your birthday is December 25? Great! Stained rugs are the gift that keep on giving.

This Television:

My Christmas gift from my amazing, generous mama but we forgot to consider an exit strategy. Today I’ll attempt to lug this thing from Pennsylvania to Brooklyn via public transport. Should be totally smooth.

This Christmas Ornament:

One of my favorites on the tree! I made this in AP English in HS (I swear the curriculum was more vigorous than this craft would suggest) and every year it gets funnier and funnier. I’m not sure what’s the best part of that acrostic. Is it using “available” as an adjective (so desperate) or “BOOTYLICIOUS!” in all caps (so delusional) or the fact that I spelled “intelligent” incorrectly (so…dumb!). Intellegent. Oh I slay myself.

Good thing I’ve really matured and changed since then…

And finally, the gem to end all gems that ever were gems:

This Advertisement:

Yes, read closely, that is an ad for Central PA’s finest rural sex club The Hedo Farm Resort. They’re having a New Years’ Eve Party that includes a champagne toast, DJ Dance Party and “Country-Style Breakfast” at 1 AM. I don’t know about you, but to me, nothing says “hot sex club” quite like a late night buffet of creamed chipped beef and toast. Do you think they provide bibs so you don’t spill on your harness or exposed breasts?

I went to the website (www.thefarmtravelclub.com SO WORTH whatever spam this will send me) and this place is BEYOND. I realized that the only examples I’ve seen of sex clubs are from like, Castle, when Castle & Beckett had to go investigate an S&M murder and they had witty banter and crackling tension or something, if that hasn’t happened, I’m sure it will, but I’ve always assumed they’d be a little, you know, sexy. This place is potentially the least sexy sex club you could imagine. It is set on 40 acres of beautiful land, the party palace is an old farmhouse, which was hopefully formerly owned by someone Amish. They have two hottubs, a pool with a sun deck (clothing optional!) a beach volleyball pit (clothing suggested…by me…you don’t want to be a diving dig with you cooch exposed, ouch), 25 “themed party rooms” and are BYOB. They have a very strict business casual dress code which emphasizes slacks as appropriate attire for both men and women.

“Everyone grab your chinos, we’re going swinging!’

They also offer RV hookups, places where you can pitch a tent…both in your pants and in the woods (ba dum, ping!)…and are obsessed with food. Every night there is a buffet and every morning they offer a continental breakfast that prominently features danish. DANISH!

“So great to watch you screw my wife last night. Could you pass me another danish?”

Also, the owner’s names are HERBY AND JUDY and their logo is a cartoon horse with the slogan “helping you horse around.”

Basically this ad is the best Christmas gift I’ve ever received and I will see you all at the Hedo Farm Resort on New Years Eve. Get there early, the prime rib and stuffed haddock buffet starts at 6!

And there you have it. The last awkward week of 2012 – how wild is that? How did you spend your holiday?

xo Liz Ho Ho Ho (last time this year, I swear!)