I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza or Winter Solstice or Non Denominational December Vacation Day or whatever it is you might celebrate. I spent the last week at home in Pennsylvania and it has been lovely. I did all of my favorite things: watched Muppet Christmas Carol multiple times, went to the movies, hung out with my family, wept in the bathtub while drinking wine and reading a sad book (every year I save up my saddest entertainment for when I go home, last year it was the FNL finale, so that I can get in a good bubble bath cry. That’s normal, right?), ate myself into oblivion and generally had a blast. Plus, we had a White Christmas!
Despite all the fun, I couldn’t help feeling like this Christmas went by too quickly. I know it is a cliche to say that every year goes quicker than the last, but 2012 really seemed to zip by. I’m going to make a concerted effort in the New Year to try to focus on the moment and slow things down.
But talking about the passage of time is a surfire snooze inducer, so let’s change the subject! Here’s what was keeping it awkward this festive holiday week:
This Photo ID:
Because it is FINALLY legal! I know you’ve all been a part of this license saga from the beginning, so I’m pleased to share that I have finally renewed my drivers license and am once again a functioning member of society. Or at least just a semi-functioning person who is now allowed to drive a car. I’d suggest you all get off the road now.
This picture is horrible. My DMV clerk was about 60, a woman with long grey hair in two pigtails done Native American style with multiple bands at intervals down the plait and had tons of turquoise jewelery adorning her periwinkle fleece vest. She spoke in a very condescending, strange way “ok now you use this nice pen to sign your beautiful signature…there you go! good job!” and kind of creeped me out. I tried to smile in a serene, mature way because, I don’t know why, I’m insane, and the photo is clearly hideous. But after old pigtails asked me why I “hid my pretty teeth” I couldn’t decide if she was being insulting or encouraging so just choked and told her to hit print.
Just kidding, they are amazing. My favorite holiday tradition is Christmas Eve. We’ve spent the past 26 years celebrating with our very dear family friends and every year is better than the last. This year we were gifted some seriously sassy holiday sweaters. Damn we look good.
This Trivial Pursuit Card:
Which came up during family game night on my turn to read. Specifically the yellow question which asks: “Which Greek philosopher’s last words before dying of hemlock poisoning, were: “I owe a cock to Asclephius; will you repay him”?
The answer is Socrates. And also, no, Liz is NOT mature enough to read a question about someone owing someone else a cock during family game night…
This is a horrible photo but trust me when I say it depicts a giant red wine stain on my mom’s living room carpet, courtesy of yours truly. Merry Christmas, Mom! Oh, and your birthday is December 25? Great! Stained rugs are the gift that keep on giving.
My Christmas gift from my amazing, generous mama but we forgot to consider an exit strategy. Today I’ll attempt to lug this thing from Pennsylvania to Brooklyn via public transport. Should be totally smooth.
This Christmas Ornament:
One of my favorites on the tree! I made this in AP English in HS (I swear the curriculum was more vigorous than this craft would suggest) and every year it gets funnier and funnier. I’m not sure what’s the best part of that acrostic. Is it using “available” as an adjective (so desperate) or “BOOTYLICIOUS!” in all caps (so delusional) or the fact that I spelled “intelligent” incorrectly (so…dumb!). Intellegent. Oh I slay myself.
Good thing I’ve really matured and changed since then…
And finally, the gem to end all gems that ever were gems:
Yes, read closely, that is an ad for Central PA’s finest rural sex club The Hedo Farm Resort. They’re having a New Years’ Eve Party that includes a champagne toast, DJ Dance Party and “Country-Style Breakfast” at 1 AM. I don’t know about you, but to me, nothing says “hot sex club” quite like a late night buffet of creamed chipped beef and toast. Do you think they provide bibs so you don’t spill on your harness or exposed breasts?
I went to the website (www.thefarmtravelclub.com SO WORTH whatever spam this will send me) and this place is BEYOND. I realized that the only examples I’ve seen of sex clubs are from like, Castle, when Castle & Beckett had to go investigate an S&M murder and they had witty banter and crackling tension or something, if that hasn’t happened, I’m sure it will, but I’ve always assumed they’d be a little, you know, sexy. This place is potentially the least sexy sex club you could imagine. It is set on 40 acres of beautiful land, the party palace is an old farmhouse, which was hopefully formerly owned by someone Amish. They have two hottubs, a pool with a sun deck (clothing optional!) a beach volleyball pit (clothing suggested…by me…you don’t want to be a diving dig with you cooch exposed, ouch), 25 “themed party rooms” and are BYOB. They have a very strict business casual dress code which emphasizes slacks as appropriate attire for both men and women.
“Everyone grab your chinos, we’re going swinging!’
They also offer RV hookups, places where you can pitch a tent…both in your pants and in the woods (ba dum, ping!)…and are obsessed with food. Every night there is a buffet and every morning they offer a continental breakfast that prominently features danish. DANISH!
“So great to watch you screw my wife last night. Could you pass me another danish?”
Also, the owner’s names are HERBY AND JUDY and their logo is a cartoon horse with the slogan “helping you horse around.”
Basically this ad is the best Christmas gift I’ve ever received and I will see you all at the Hedo Farm Resort on New Years Eve. Get there early, the prime rib and stuffed haddock buffet starts at 6!
And there you have it. The last awkward week of 2012 – how wild is that? How did you spend your holiday?
xo Liz Ho Ho Ho (last time this year, I swear!)