Goood morning, you perfect sunflowers. How was everyone’s week? Mine was…meh. I’m in the midst of the blissful lady time known as pre menstrual syndrome and have been basically a living breathing cliche of a hormonal woman. Judd Apatow himself couldn’t write me better. I was even more hyper-emotional than usual which, as you can imagine, is a real treat. I nearly burst into tears at the slightest of upsets (count your blessings you were not present Wednesday when I was six minutes late to a department meeting at work and almost threw myself out the window in melodramatic despair) and all I wanted to do was eat chocolate chip cookies and listen Taylor Swift. Which is basically my regular life, I know, but this week, it was all the ballads you guys.
Ladies are like…I know it all too well! HAHA get it? NO please don’t. That’s a lyric to a Taylor Swift song. WHAT is wrong with me, I need a musical slash life intervention like, yesterday.
If only we could go Back to December…Speak Now if you’d like me to keep this going…NOPE. Nope. I’m done. Let’s end this TSwizzles fest and take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week.
Sunday morning I woke up at like 7 AM semi hungover and totally groggy and realized we were out of coffee, so I bundled myself up for the subarctic temperatures and struck out in search of some joe. (Or, jo, if you’re being tricky in Scrabble, which…don’t even get me started.) I could and probably should have just gone to the coffee shop on the corner and had them give me an already brewed cup, but on weekends, it’s just so much nicer (and more cost-efficient!) to brew at home. Plus you can drink out of a real mug, instead of one of those terrible, flimsy paper cups that always leaks out the lid and gets all over your mittens. Or does that just happen to me?
I had a number of options for purchasing coffee within a few block radius of my home: bodegas which have the cheap stuff BUT don’t take credit cards or fancy organic grocery stores that mostly only carry the expensive stuff but take plastic. As I had no cash, I decided to try my luck with the swanky place.
Now, Brian and I are coffee snobs, but like, on opposite day. We stand very firmly in our belief that the fancy stuff is overrated. Bring us a plain old cuppa joe! Preferably Chock Full O’ Nuts but we’ll go with a Folgers if necessary. None of this fancy, shade grown, pure bean, slow pour hipster bullshit.
I’m sure that stuff actually tastes “better” and is organic and fair trade, while we’re drinking the equivalent of carcinogenic motor oil picked by child slaves in Somalia or whatever and I do feel bad about that, I DO! I feel bad about everything, literally every single thing that I eat or drink or do but sometimes I just don’t have the money or energy to do the right thing, so I’m just going to go right ahead and enjoy my cheap, slave labor coffee.
Today’s unnecessary long winded guilt stricken rant brought to you by the letter C…for coffee!
Anyway, where was I? Oh! In the coffee aisle of the grocery store. Which is actually just a shelf right in front of the register. I was the only customer in the store, so the two clerks got a real show of me wandering around like a homeless person in my 2 layers of sweatpants, fur boots and ear-band over top of a hat over top of bedhead.
I have long maintained that the hardest thing to do before coffee is acquire coffee and this shopping spree proved that theory. OF course they had no regular coffee, and I wasn’t nearly awake enough to make any quick decisions so I stood there staring at all of the options, wandering back and forth, touching all the containers of coffee, staring at labels, trying to figure out if I’d prefer Guatemalan over Colombian. Most of the coffees they sold were whole bean which honestly,why? Why would you make yourself go through all that effort? This is America. In the 21st Century. You can pay someone to do that for you.
I mean, again, yes, it’s probably an impoverished 8-year-old but come on. Get over yourself. No one thinks you’re cool because you smush up your own coffee beans, ok?
(Said the woman who refuses to buy bottled salad dressing…pot calling the coffee ketttle super black.)
Finally, 20 minutes later, I settled on a bag of coffee that did not anywhere on the label at all, trust me on this, guys, say that it was whole beans, paid a cool $12.99 for the stuff (as compared to $5 for a can of chock fulla!) and slogged my self home fantasizing about a steamy, dreamy cup of coffee. I ripped open the bag and OH WAIT … IT WAS WHOLE BEAN!
Come on. Is this grounds for a law suit? I’m going to go ahead and assume YES. I mean, hair dryers have to include a warning not to put them in the bath tub, I think coffee distributors should be legally mandated to give their friendly customers a heads up on their bean situation BEFORE they shell out approximately six hundred dollars for their overpriced nonsense. I’m seriously taking this straight to the White House.
I’m sure they’ll have time for me just as soon as they resolve this whole Bieber situation.
So, after all that, I strapped my outdoor gear back on, walked over to the coffee shop and did what I probably shoulda done in the first place: I bought a takeaway coffee, in a flimsy paper cup. And honestly…it was delicious.
While I was gone, McGyver Scott tried to grind the beans in our food processor and it did NOT work. Sadly I missed this whole process which is probably for the best, as I would have likely videotaped it and put it on the internet with 50 paragraphs about how great he is … I’m becoming like a weird stage mother to my boyfriend. It’s creepy.
In other grocery shopping news…
This Olive Oil:
$6 for a full liter, only at Trader Joe’s. Once you’ve purchased oil at the Teej there is NO turning back. I can’t justify buying it anywhere else. It’s just so cheap! We ran out this week so I had a TJ’s trip scheduled for Wednesday night when a friend suggested happy hour instead.
I know what you’re thinking, another drunk Trader Joe’s trip, Liz? NO! I solved my Trader Joe’s splurging issue by shopping before I hit the bar.
I mean, OK sure, were the bags of groceries super bulky and awkward as I tried to push myself into the one snug open seat at the swanky wine bar? Yes.
Did the super attractive couple trying to enjoy their date next to me give me suuuurious side-eye as I rearranged my food purchases around me like a bag lady? Sure!
Did they give me double the side-eye when I then spotted a better seat had opened up a mere two minutes later, grabbed my groceries, coat, hat and cetera and begged them to move their chairs so I could snag those seats before anyone came? Of course.
Yes, all of these things happened and yes I definitely caused a scene and yes I then spent $30 on wine which kind of negated the whole olive oil savings which was the reason for this whole trip in the first place but it was worth it guys, it was. I finally found a way to keep my impulse shopping in check while in Trader Joe’s! I just need to make sure I shop for necessities on my way TO somewhere, then I’ll be forced to put down the frozen spanikopita and chocolate covered espresso beans and 8 lb bag of sweet potatoes: ain’t no room for that!
I am a money saving, grocery shopping genius.
The other morning I changed my outfit three times because everything I tried on felt too sloppy. Finally settled on a semi-nice cream colored top only to get to work and find the sleeve covered in this ENORMOUS stain.
And it was bone dry, so definitely way old and not fresh coffee. What IS that? How long has it been there? And how sloppy were my other clothes if THIS was the best I could come up with?!
Speaaaaking of sleeves…
But wait! We’ve seen this sweater before. OH YEAH. Just wanted to reassure you that I’m still wearing this bad boy, pen stains, huge holes and all. I’ma keep wearing this until it just literally disintegrates right off my body.
Aaaaand I am done now. I’m done! I’m going to go pour myself a piping hot cup of home brewed, non-organic, cheapass coffee, crank up the T Swift and get this day STARTED.