Another Awkward Week – Christmas Edition! [12.20.13]

Pa rum pum pum pum, everyone! Sorry I’m a little late this AM. I was off receiving the gift of my annual gynecological exam.

Merry Christmas, cervix!

Are you guys getting excited for the holidays?! I am SO excited but I also might die of early onset diabetes by next week if I don’t cool it with the Chrismas snax. My bloodstream is basically just refined white sugar, brie cheese, caramel corn and wine at this point. Yiiiiikes!

Today is my last day in-office until 2014, I’m spoiled rotten with much vacation time between the holidays so we’re headed down to PA tomorrow morning for Christmas with my family and then off to Brian’s parents in NJ on the 26th. This is our first Christmas spent together and with each other’s families and, as with Thanksgiving, I’m simultaneously excited and also a little mournful about change and growing up and all that business. LIFE! Moving on, sands through hour glasses, etcetera. Enough mourning, Liz: celebrate!

And with that, let’s take a look at what was keeping it awkward this (Christmasy!) week.

This Gift:

A One Direction Sticker Book for my assistant Margaret (she’s basically the greatest person alive), wrapped in romantic silver and gold hearts, the only wrapping paper I could find laying around my office.

At least I wrapped it?

This Wine:

Ok this actually has nothing to do with Chrismtas but did happen in a bar tricked out with garland and twinkle lights so…it fits.

Last night I had a few drinks with some pals and at the end of the night, the waiter sat down a glass of red wine in front of me, one I hadn’t ordered.

“For you…” he said.

I immediately sat up straighter, smiled and tossed my hair. For ME?!?! Was some gentleman watching me from across the room, so taken by my good looks and sex appeal that he noticed what I was drinking and sent one over to me, hoping we might meet eyes and fall in love/lust?! I have only ever seen this in the movies but have dreamed that some day such a classy, sexy thing might happen to me and IT FINALLY HAS!

I was all ready to flash a smile and my engagement ring, give a smug “flattered by taken!” shrug in the direction of my secret admirer when the waiter finished his sentence.

“…I accidentally entered too many, so you can have this one.”

Insert that screeeech hitting the breaks noise here as I tumble right off my high horse.

The wine was less sensual come-on and more just, you know, waiter error.

UNLESS the whole reason he accidentally ordered the wine in the first place was because he was so taken with my beauty and charm he just couldn’t think straight!

Yeah…let’s go with that one.

These Cards:

I was in charge of writing up some holiday cards on behalf of my department and OBVIOUSLY barely made it 2 seconds without spilling ramen all over them.

As for personal Christmas cards, I managed to get out about 12 a vast improvement over last year’s six! But again, if you did not receive a card from me, remember, I DO love you and think of you at the holidays and always, I just still haven’t gotten the hang of the whole mailing cards situation. Maybe someday! Goals!

This Sidewalk:

We’ve had a lot o’ snow around here lately (I like it!) and apparently this is what counts as “shoveling” on my block? Three days after our latest storm I thought it was safe to wear regular shoes, instead of the clunky snowboots I’d been rocking, only to discover that all the sidewalks, while cleared of the fluffy stuff, were still coated with a thin layer of ice.

I slid and scooted along, carefully, oooooohhhh so carefully, inch by inch by inch. It took me 17 minutes to go the 2 blocks to the subway BUT I didn’t fall once.

Victory!

This Ornament:

We spend every Christmas Eve with our very dear friends – this year will be our 27th Christmas together! They have three sons right around the same ages as the three of us and we’ve known each other essentially since we were in utero. Christmas Eve with this gang is my most favorite night of every year, bar none. We are all mildly majorly obsessed with the Muppets Christmas Carol and have, on several occasions, performed our own version of The Christmas Carol (adapted from the movie, obvs) for our parents and it’s always hilarious and amazing and we should probably have won at least 17 Tony Awards by now. We’ve been robbed!

Anyway, their oldest son Robert got married last year to an amazing gal, Jackie, who is a truly spectacular addition to the crew, and this year, Rob & Jackie will spend the holiday with her parents in Louisiana, so our group will be apart for the first year ever. I won’t make you listen to yet another dramatic monologue about growing up and changing and sadness and adulthood and life but will just say that we will miss them very, very, VERY much.

I got the amazing idea in my head to send them a Muppets Christmas Ornament, which turned out to be easier said than done. I could not find one single licensed MCC (Mupptes Christmas Carol, duh) ornaments for sale, even on the interwebs, so I had the brilliant thought to make my own DIY ornament. There are zillions of sites where all you have to do is upload a photo, hit send and voila: your own personalized ornament.

Except I guessss you can’t just upload any old picture you find on Google Images because when I tried this at Zazzle.com, they told me it violated their acceptable content guidelines.

Bah humbug!

I was initially impressed by their excellent legal team, catching this one little order, but then realized I may have tipped them off myself. The gift message with order read:

“Merry Christmas! This is ridiculous and probably violates copyright law, but I wanted to make sure you guys had some Muppets in your holiday this year!”

(Emphasis added.)

I basically handed them this one on a platter. What a terrible criminal I would be! Just walk into a bank with a bunch of counterfeit bills and a note reading “LOL these are fake!!”

So Rob, Jackie, you’re not getting a Muppets Ornament this year. But please know that all of us kids and parents and Rizzo the Rat and the Ghost of Christmas Present (a LARGE absent minded spirit!) and Michael Caine and Charles Dickens (aka Gonzo) and Charles Dickens (the real person, RIP) and the whole gang will miss you terribly and wish  you the very merriest of Christmases!

God Bless Us, Everyone!

These Skirts:

Happy Annual Everybody Wear Your Inappropriately Short Festive Skirt To the Office and Pretend it’s a Coincidence Even Though You Totally Planned It Day!

Like, so planned it that we had a calendar reminder and everything.

It’s the little things that keep the holiday spirit alive, you know?

This Tin:

A Christmas bribe!

We’re totally in love with our apartment and desperately want to stay at least one more year, so we’re actively trying to remind our landlady why we’re the very best tenants ever and she so shouldn’t raise the rent on us. We thought that a Christmas gift and card would be nice just in general and also would help demonstrate how invaluable and amazing we are. The plan was cookies and an ornament…except the cookies have now been sitting in this tin since Sunday night and I can’t, for the life of me, find the godforsaken ornament we bought for her. WHERE ARE YOU, ornament?!

She might just end up getting a card reading:

“Merry Christmas! Please enjoy some stale cookies and also we got you an ornament but lost it, whoops, please never raise our rent and Happy New Year! Love, Liz & Brian”

How could she ever kick us out after receiving that?!

And speaking of our landlady, I know you’ve all been dying to see, here is this year’s Christmas decor:

Classy in blue and silver. I actually LOVE this year’s display! Understated and sparkly. I’m into it.

And, of course, the seals make their annual return to the foyer:

Oh those two!

And, finally, because it’s never Christmas without it, let’s all pause and watch…

The Most Awkward Christmas Commercial of All Time: 

‘Tis the season for creepy sibling love!

And there you have it, friends. What are you all up to for Christmas? Any trips planned? Cookies baked? Presents under the tree? You’re Jewish and don’t celebrate? My bad! You’re offended that I say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays? Oh BAH HUMBUG!

Wishing a Happy Merry WHATEVER to everyone near and far. I hope a lily white Santa brings you everything you wished for and more.

Hugs & Mistletoe, Liz Ho Ho HO!