Good morning, turtledoves! 3 posts in 3 days? A Christmas miracle!
Speaking of Christmas, it is in 12 days. What?! Mind boggling, y’all. Have you finished your shopping? I have…not. Even close. Still plenty of time for me to run around the office stealing free books to hand out. It’ll be fine!
Do you guys like Christmas music? OF COURSE YOU DO! What are you, monsters? My friend Kathleen recently turned me on to this internet radio website called Songza, which is like Pandora but better. You go to the site and they offer you a variety of stations based on your mood.
“Good morning” it greets you. “It’s Friday morning. What do you feel like hearing?”
It then lists a wide variety of genres you could pick from – holiday, pop, classical, instrumental, et cetera- and then narrows those down even further. Do you feel “Too Cool for Yule”? If yes, would you like Indie Holidays or Christmas Schmaltz, which is holiday songs written by Jewish musicians? (Answer: both!) Do you want pop? If yes, you can choose “All I Want for Chrismas is POP!” (emphasis theirs) or Teen Pop Christmas, whose description reads:
“Embrace your inner teenybopper with these teen idol holiday hits. Whether you grew up in the Golden Age of Boy Bands or with the current crop of Disney stars, these songs will have you singing along.”
I obviously listened to that one, unironically, for HOURS UPON END and loved every second.
I’m still not sure what an Ariana Grande is…but I like it.
So that’s what’s going on round there parts. Just a Helpful Holiday Tip from my home to yours.
Ho ho ho!
Now, why don’t we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this festive, frigid week.
This Whole Thing:
We had our company holiday party on Monday night, once again leaving me to risk ruining a day-to-night outfit by spilling my lunch upon it. Took the bib route one further by creating a full-body shield, consisting of a scarf wrapped around my lower half and my “desk sweater” buttoned way way up to cover the top. My desk sweater is, of course, the cardigan that I leave at my office to wear on days when it gets nippy inside…I think it’s been here for like 4 years and has never been washed. Haha GROSS LIZ.
Anyway, this was all a pretty smooth move to cover up, as it took me less than 12 seconds to cover my lap in salad.
Not pictured: the chick pea that bounced off my knee and rolled under my desk. Don’t worry, I found it and threw it away!
So this holiday party. As I may have mentioned before, my company merged with another big publishing company earlier this year (fascinating stuff), so this was our first holiday celebrating together. My company has never had a big formal Christmas party – instead we celebrate Halloween with our big, drunken in-office costume party.
The other company, however, does a whole big formal thang and this year everyone from both groups was invited to come party down in a hotel ballroom in midtown Manhattan. It was very swanky and fancy and very, very, VERY crowded. So I did what I always do in situations where I feel socially anxious and overwhelmed, which is zero in on the food table, load up a plate, find a corner to hide in and stuff. my. face.
I managed to drop a piece of fancy deli meat on the floor at one point and must have also dropped part of a pulled pork slider, because when I got home that night I realized that one of my party heels was covered in barbecued pulled pork.
After gorging ourselves on too much salty Asian food (the buffet situation in this place was off the hook!), my colleague and I decided it was time to throw in the towel and headed off in search of large bottles of water (we were literally puffing up right then and there from all the sodium & wine) and trains home to bed.
Before we headed home we took a pit stop in the bathroom. We saw the sign for the men’s room in one corner and couldn’t find the ladies’ anywhere.
A large man neither of us had ever seen before (he’s probably like our new CFO or something, please no one fire me) was standing near us and noticed our predicament.
“Go in the men’s room,” he said. “It’s for ladies’.”
“No…mens’ rooms are for…men?” We replied.
We couldn’t decide if we were being tricked or if he was some kind of creep luring women into the men’s room (again, potential new CFO, please forgive our misunderstanding! I’m sure you’re a great guy!) so we tentatively walked over to the bano and sure enough, found this:
SUPER CLEAR MESSAGING, guys. Men’s room…Women Only.
I guess that the actual ladies’ room was further away from the ballroom and since publishing is about 97.3% female, they figured they’d do the gals a favor and switch up the rooms for the night but it seemed a little unnecessarily complicated for my taste.
I sound SO ungrateful right now and I don’t mean to! It was a really nice party and I appreciate that my company put it together for us … I just thought this was funny. I also dislike large parties full of strangers and small talk and need to work on my social skills like STAT.
Let’s look at another Christmassy moment…
This is a terrible photo. ANYWAY, as you can see my puffer is covered in goop. That’d be tree sap, my friends.
Brian and I got a Christmas tree over the weekend from a vendor about a mile walk away and carried it the whole way home (#humblebrag) upon which point we were positively covered in sticky pine sap.
Both my coat and good leather gloves were complete disasters. I took to the internet to come up with a solution and they recommended peanut butter for leather (ok) and hand sanitizer for other fabrics. Doable!
I have scrubbed my coat three separate times now and it’s still not all out…at least it’s super germ free and sanitized? and the PB DID get the sap out of my gloves, but now they’re covered in nut butter so…yeah. Upgrade?
And while I’m allowing snippets of sentimentalism this week (gross!) here is a photo of a very cute ornament that our friends Caitlin & Brian sent us. Our first ornament for our first Christmas tree together!!
Have you guys heard of Ellen DeGeneres? She’s a famous television personality and super smooth dancer. She’s also now the creator of this app / game thing called Heads Up and if you’ve not yet downloaded it, I recommend you do it IMMEDIATELY.
It’s basically a digital edition of like, celebrity meets charades meets taboo meets other fun party games… just trust me, it’s awesome.
One member of the group holds the phone to their forehead and presses play. The app will then display a word and the rest of the group will have to try to make them guess what it is using clues, be they verbal or physical or even humming. You can pick from songs or celebrities or news or a whole bunch of categories and it is SUPA FUN andddd doesn’t require anything more than a cell phone which you probably already had out on the table anyway because your’e rude and addicted to snap chat so you can play it anywhere, anytime, with anyone!
My pals and I were out at a pretty quiet bar on Saturday night (where, side note, I tried whiskey again and NOPE STILL DISGUSTING!) and decided to play a rousing 750 rounds of this game. There were a few other patrons in the bar, most of whom seemed more delighted than annoyed by our antics…that is, until we got to the charades round, where I LITERALLY drove a couple from the bar while trying to mimic the word “hurdle.”
I mean, sure you’re on a date night, cozied up on a couch, enjoying some intimate cocktails, but I don’t see how a grown woman galumphing into your space, leaping and flailing her arms and screeching really ruins your night, party poopers.
Live a little!
Bonus fun thing for this game is that the app also tapes what the group is doing – so while the guesser is holding it up to their head, it’s recording all the funny yelling and flailing and acting that the rest of the crew is doing. You can then send these videos right to Ellen and if they’re good, she might play them on her show! It was too dark for us to capture clear videos but thought I’d share that fun fact in case you’re trying to become the new Sophia Grace or whatever.
And there you have it. The week that ’twas! Have yourselves a merry little weekend and if you’re shopping for me, I’d like a unicorn, please!
Liz Ho Ho Ho