Another Awkward Week [6.21.13]

Hello you sweet turtle doves. How was everyone’s week? Thanks to everyone for your enthusiasm over the Cohabitation Situation. And especially for your advice. I have lots of great nuggets of wisdom tucked away for once the shacking up begins. I think we’re going to nail this thing.

One wonderful tidbit passed on was to ‘Keep The Mystery Alive’ – aka have a little separation when doing personal things like nail clipping, eyebrow plucking, bikini waxing, defecating, etc – ain’t nobody gong to want to make out with you after they see you on the john. Unless you’re into that kind of thing, in which case, carry on with your freaky self!

With this lesson in mind, it’s a good thing we’re not yet living together because tonight, Thursday, as I type this, I a preparing for an early morning colonoscopy. YUPPPPPPP. This is the latest development in the never-ending saga of my stomach ailments, I know you’ve all been waiting for the new chapter in my intestinal melodrama. Well lucky you, I’m in the process of writing a wholeeeee series dedicated to The IBS (pronounced to rhyme with fibs) and nothing but The IBS.

GIRD YOUR LOINS, Pulitzer Prize Committee, this is happening.

Anyway, I’ll save the dirty deets of what is happening in my life right now for that post…and share a hearty Read At Your Own Risk warning when I do…and just say that I’m currently typing this while sitting on the bathroom floor because colonoscopy prep basically involves eating nothing for 24 hours and then chugging this monstrous cleansing medication that clears out anything that may have ever been inside you and thus  doesn’t allow you to stray too far from the commode. If you know what I mean.

Which, how could you not know what I mean, I painted a grotesquely clear picture. SORRRYYYYYYYYYYY! My mean medical condition is chronic oversharing. So anyway, it is a blessing that Brian is not here seeing this…and instead he and the entire world (the whole thing!) are just reading about it on the internet. Because if there is one thing I know how to do it is keep that sexy mystery alive.

YIKES.

Ok and here’s where I’d say “let’s see what (else) was keeping it awkward this week” and I started to do that, I did, but then my computer busted out this fun new trick its been doing which is to overheat and crash, right when I’m in the middle of something. It’s pretty cool you guys. If your computer just like works all the time and is speedy and efficient and virus free, well, I feel sorry for you. You’re missing out on some good stuff.

Buuut I realized it may have been a bit of a blessing in disguise, all of the items I’d bookmarked to chat about this week – an errant dress hem, a falling basil plant, a teapot, were at best, not very funny and at worst, completely pointless. SO better to have written dumb crap and lost then never have written at all.

Huh?

All I’ve had to eat today is two mugs of vegetable broth, a few cups of apple juice and four Werthers’ Originals. I am dying. My body is eating my brain from the inside out. I’m shutting this mother down.

Plus, I have to go ingest the next round of my horrid, horrid laxative juice. Bottoms up!

If you made it all the way to the end, you deserve a serious prize. Better next week, I swear!

Now go keep that mystery alive, kids!

xo Liz Ho