Another Awkward Week [2.7.14]

Hey, snowflakes. How y’all doing doing today? I generally try to avoid getting too personal or serious here in what is essentially my endless internet stand-up comedy routine but I’m hoping I might ask you all for a bit of a favor.  Earlier this week, one of my aunts passed away unexpectedly. She had a beautiful soul and will be missed by all those who knew her. This week my mom also lost a cousin, so both sides of my extended clan are reeling. In sharing these stories with some very sweet, caring friends, I’ve heard similar tales of loss and heartache over the past few months and realized that this winter’s been tough on a lot of people, in different ways.

I wonder if I might ask all of you to send a little extra love into the world today, in honor of my Aunt Anne, and all of those who are feeling heavy hearts right now.

Thank you all, sweet friends. It means a lot to me!

Now I shall insert a terrible segue here about how laughter is the best cure for all pains (minus the pain of recovering from stomach surgery…ouch) and do what I always do when I don’t know how to express appropriate emotions which is make dumb jokes and talk about myself! You’re welcome, world.

The hottest news in Liz Ho Land this week: my cell phone is once again on the fritz which would generally stress me out but honestly, at this point, it’s almost funny. Once my new replacement arrives (hopefully this afternoon!), I’ll have been through four phones and two batteries in the last 5 months. Impressivo! I swear I’m not doing anything wrong, it just happens! If I could keep a phone functioning long enough to become annoying enough to be the sort of person who “checks in” places, I would be the Mayor of the TMobile store at the corner of Flatbush and 7th.

It’s astounding. You know how in gardening they say some people have a green thumb and others have a black thumb and kill everything they try to grow? I think I have a black thumb for technology. All of my phones mysteriously crash and burn. My digital camera? Broken. My laptop is barely 2 years old and overheats so badly I’ve actually burnt my flesh on it and it sounds like an airplane taking off when you leave it on too long. Every technological device I touch just withers in my hands.

Incidentally, I also have a black thumb for gardening, too…the combo of these gives me deep concerns for the safety of my future children.

Luckily my hot cell piece lived long enough to snap some shots so why don’t we take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Oatmeal:

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Yes, this tub is basically large enough to feed the entire Olympic Village at Sochi for the duration of the 2014 Winter Games and probably a bit much for one young lady who decided she’s actually kind of over oatmeal after all, BUT when I saw a stack of these 80 gallon tubs marked as on-sale for just $1.99 EACH at my local grocery emporium this weekend, I couldn’t help but grab one.

Probably should have taken a moment or two to consider where in the pile I was grabbing. Middle? You know better than that, Liz.

Pulling out a tub of oats sent three more cascading to the floor, where they rolled down the aisle, one getting stuck under the wheels of another shopper’s cart.

Smooth.

Adding insult to injury (this is just a saying, don’t worry, no one was injured by falling oatmeal tubs), I looked at my receipt when I got home and realized that the cashier had charged me full price – so this whole grab-n-tumble situation wasn’t even worth it! I mean, yes, they still cost only $3.99, I eat nothing but the finest brands, BUT STILL.

This Umbrella:

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My umbro is so sensitive, always popping open at the slightest of touches – especially when dropped on the floor, which I apparently do all the time. Like the other night in the ladies’ room at my office.

It made me laugh out loud on a pretty sad day, so yay for funny umbies. I was the only person in the br at the moment so I risked a quick moment to snap a pic for le blog anddddd obviously no sooner have I whipped out my phone for a casual photo shoot then the door swings open and in walk a number of other women, all my professional superiors.

Nothing to see here, ladies. Nothin’ to see.

This Paper Sports Betting Game:

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Also known as a “pool” …something that apparently everyone knew except me.

We had a few people over on Sunday to watch The Super Bowl (will I get sued for calling it that in print?) and Brian put this whole chart contraption up on our wall. Guests arrived and I eagerly pulled them over to gush enthusiastically about this cool fun betting game that Brian had just invented, did everyone want to hear more about it, only to be laughed basically out of my own home.

I guess these pool” things have been around forever and were NOT invented by Brian just for our party. And everybody but me knew that?

Did you know about this? Are you all having fun and gambling on sports without me?!!

I won zero dollars, in case you’re curious. THANKS FOR NOTHING PEYTON MANNING!

These Fingers:

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That’s glitter, not blood.

One of my cousins have been going through some rough stuff the past few weeks (double down on the happy thoughts, please!) so I decided I would make her a little “Thinking of You” craft project since, you know, I’m so great at crafting.

I don’t have any photos of the finished product (it’s a magic wand!) but rest assured that my office is still covered in red glitter a week later and the gift looked like it was made by a blind one-armed orangutan instead of an adult woman with PERFECT vision (it’s true) and two working hands.

I know they say it’s the thought that counts but execution should probably count for something too.

In this case it’s totally the thought that counts, as FedEx seems to have lost my package in transit, ruining my attempt at kindness, forcing me to take to the interwebz to really just humblebrag it all up and make sure everyone knows that I tried to do something nice but the mailman is totally harshing my vibe.

I’d try to track it down butttt I may have sent this very personal package via my work mail system which isn’t necessarily a no-no, but it’s definitely not a yes-yes sooooo calling the mail room and causing a scene might only end with me getting in trouble so I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope this miraculously is delivered someday.

If only I had a magic wand to wave. OH WAIT!

(Smooches & hugs to you, Marcy, if you’re reading this!)

And that, my friends, is that. What are y’all up to this weekend? We’re due for more snow and I’m actually a little excited by that. After this week I just want to hunker down, snuggle up with Brian (who has the flu and better not give it to me or his ass is GRASS), cook veggie lasagna (I’m on a very specific “eat my feelings” diet) and sort of rejuvenate via hibernation. A blustery, gustery weekend lends just the air of coziness to round out the scene I’m building in my head so let’s do this thing, weather. Don’t let me down.

Here’s hoping you all have something sliiiightly more exciting planned or if you, too, are finding yourself or your loved ones in tough times this season, go right on ahead and hop aboard this Love Train I’m starting. There’s room for everyone!

[I was extremely obsessed with this Gap commercial in my youth which is prettty weird but I did own and wear that first striped sweater basically every single day the winter of my senior year of high school, cool story, plus this song is scientifically proven to lighten even the darkest corners of the world. Fact!]

BIG HUG

Liz Ho

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Another Awkward Week [3.8.13]

Good morning! How is everyone this fine Friday? It is snowing in NYC, what?! I generally try to be a pretty positive person, and an alliterative one at that, but I am 100% Negative Nancy about the month of March. I think it is a real tease. Spring starts in March and Daylight Savings and you really get to thinking: this is it. Winter is behind us. February is over and there’s nothing ahead but blue skies and tulips and young mens’ fancies lightly turning to thoughts of love.

But NO. March gives and takes it right back – a sunny day followed by six days of cold, damp, freezing rain. Freak snowstorms. 31 long days with no federal holidays for 3 day weekends. One of my friends just described the month as “a fickle bitch.” I think she’s got it.  March is the gol-dang worst and I stand by that.

Harumph!

Ok, rant over (for now. MARCH! You fickle bitch.), let’s take a look back at the days of yore, at what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Glove:

gloved hand

So I wanted to paint my toenails the other night – I loathe pedicures. They terrify me. I hate feet and people touching my feet. I’m shuddering just thinking about it  – but before I could paint them I had to remove the layers of gross, peeling, old polish still clinging to my nails since the last time I did them like 6 months ago. It’s winter! Why bother? I had just painted my fingernails and didn’t want to eff that up by using nailpolish remover on my toes, so I got the brilllliant idea to wear rubber gloves. But we only had one gigantic, left-handed kitchen glove, but I popped that bad boy on feeling like I’d just figured out the secrets to the feminine universe and promptly knocked over the bottle of nailpolish remover all over the sink. I then spent close to 15 minutes trying to get the polish off my toenails, not because they were THAT gross, but because it turns out that even the simplest of tasks are borderline impossible when attempting with your non-dominant hand in an oversized rubber glove.

OBVIOUSLY I still managed to screw up my fingernails .3 seconds later, making this entire fiasco completely pointless.

My toes are cute, though! TOO BAD IT’S SNOWING AND NO ONE CAN SEE THEM.

Rant still not over.

This Chest of Drawers:

dresser

This is my bedside table and also where I store my socks and underbusiness. It is part of a set of bedroom furniture from the Ikea Children’s line circa 1989. This dresser can drink and serve in the armed forces. My sister and I had them in our bedroom when we were little and still use them today. Pro tip: childrens’ furniture is the perfect size for tiny urban apartments!

Right, so, if you look closely at that dresser you’ll notice that the bottom two drawers are missing handles (you’ll also notice a hint of nude pantyhose sticking out one of the other drawers. Oh those hose. Always on the loose!). When I brought this dresser to NYC 6 years ago it had these really goofy red plastic handles, a side effect of using furniture for 3 year olds, so I went to Ikea and got new classy metal pulls. For a reason that now evades me, I think I might have run out of screws, I never ended up putting handles on those bottom two drawers. Ever. So every time I want to get a pair of socks or a pair of underpants, which is every single day, sometimes more than once, I have to open the second drawer by its handle juuust enough that I can stick my hand in underneath and grab the front panel and pull it open that way, and then close the top drawer and then get a pair of socks and then shut that drawer about halfway so I can stick my hand into the bottom drawer, grab the front panel, pull it open, get a pair of underwear, close all the drawers, realize I forgot my bra…and start all over again.

I have been doing this for over  half a decade now and can not get it together enough to just put on some goddamn handles. A regular Bob Vila over here.

Similarly, this is the artistic “gallery wall” hanging just as you enter my bedroom:

wall

As you can see there is a set of keys hanging on a bare nail. A mirror. A haphazardly placed, constantly empty glass flower holder vial thing, a framed piece of art that a friend gave me and a random ornament that was the favor from a friend’s wedding in 2008.

I am a home decor genius! If you would like to copy this style, and why wouldn’t you, simple take all random items you don’t know what to do with, “temporarily” hang them on a bare wall in no discernible pattern and then just never move them. Initially you might be inspired to do something else with them, but eventually they will become as much a part of the room as the floor or the ceiling and you can just lay on your bed and eat cheez-its and pin things to your “Design Ideas!” pinterest board because you’ll totally get it together one of these days!

Butttt you probably won’t.

This Pile of Clothes:

clothes pile

Tonight I am going to a potluck with  Brian’s colleagues. I’ve never met them before and I want to make a good impression! Which for me, does not just mean showing up, being polite and getting along with everyone, it means that on Monday morning, an email chain will circulate throughout the entire school, starting with the math teachers, getting to the rest of the teachers, until it trickles down to the students and the cafeteria cooks and the night watchman, talking about how incredibly beautiful and self possessed and hilarious and perfect in every imaginable way Mr. Scott’s girlfriend is.

I had a whole outfit picked out but then it was snowing (RANT NEVER ENDS!) so I had to dress warmer and there were shoes to consider and I had no idea what the other guests would be wearing, for some reason Brian was not into the idea of polling all of the lady teachers to get a sense of their wardrobe choices, and then my black belt broke and like 80% of my clothes have holes in them and what if the hosts run a shoe-off household and I show up in dumb socks and it was just a really stressful day. I ended up spending close to an hour – ONE HOUR – trying on different outfits before settling on something somewhat acceptable plus I packed a bag with some backup options.

To spend one night at my boyfriend’s house, which is down the street, and have a dinner with a bunch of math nerds (no offense math nerds) I brought an enormous suitcase with four extra shirts, two pairs of pants and five different pairs of shoes.

If anything, the high school will circulate an email chain that they need to keep an eye on Mr. Scott because his girlfriend is 100% unhinged.

Speaking of the high school…

This Stage:

into the woods

Last Saturday, Brian and I got up early, went to Target and then hit up the school musical. I have the social life of a soccer mom…but without the kids or the van or the sweater vests.

Aaaand I love it.

In case you’re curious, the play was Into The Woods, the kids were cute but, like with most things in life, the whole thing would have been a lot better if Zac Efron had been involved.

And that was my week! I just re-read this and it was like 2% funny and 58% crabby and 40% boring, sorry! I need an attitude adjustment and fast.  But check out that mental math! I will fit in tonight!

Hoping everyone has a lovely weekend and if you feel the need to just complain and grouch about life, I’m with you, so do feel free to unburden yourself in the comments. #CrabbyFriday!

xoxo Liz

 

 

Winter? I barely know ‘er!

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You see a lot of you know “real” bloggers accompany their posts with charming candid photos of themselves hangin’ out in stylish outfits,

so here is a photo of me, wearing my winter indoor wear and dumb hat. It’s slightly topical. You are welcome!

So listen. You don’t need me to state the obvious, this isn’t facebook (burn!), but winter is upon us. It is here. Baby, it is not warm outside.

Some people love the winter. Other people hate it. I generally come down on the side of No Thank You, but in the interest of fair and open-minded thinking and attempting to blog with more frequency, why don’t we just make a little list of all of the myriad good and bad things that Old Man Winter has to offer and rejoice in both the glory and the horror of this present season on earth. And now, without further ado:

Winter! The Pros 🙂 and The Cons 😦

Con: Everyone is so pale. Even if you’re a naturally pale individual, there’s something in the air in the doldrums of winter that just sucks all of the color and life out of your flesh until you are just  white, like, beyond Edward Cullen level of pale, like an inhuman, dead blob monster.

Con: Every November, 5 – 10 lbs attach themselves to your hips and midsection and it is 100% impossible to lose weight in the winter. Look it up. It’s science.

Pro: No reason to be seen in a swimsuit or any sort of cropped topped apparel!

Pro: You basically never have to shave your legs.

Con: So, your girlfriend is probably a hairy monster at this point.

Con: Hats. Miserable! I look terrible in hats. I have a small, scrawny head and un-brushable, frizzy hair that is impossible to restyle once a hat has been donned and removed. Hats are just not my friend.

Pro: Maybe you are one of those assholes who looks cute and stylish in hats and can pull them off with aplomb. So I guess, then, hats might be a pro for you. GOOD FOR YOU.

Con: When the little fringy bits of your scarf get stuck in the zipper of your coat.

Pro: How delicious is a big bowl of spaghetti and meatballs on a brisk evening? SO delicious.

Pro: See Also: Red wine.

Con: Death by frostbite.

Pro: Death by chocolate. This doesn’t really have anything to do with winter, I just always thought it seemed a pretty good way to go.

Con: Overheated apartment buildings. My landlady keeps our building at about 80 degrees at all times (probably needs climate control for all of those holiday decorations), to the point where I’m sleeping in shorts & t-shirts with the windows open in the middle of January.

Similar Con: The heat is so drying, my skin is basically peeling off of my body like some kind of molting snake or moisture starved magma rock or something.

Another Similar Con: Loud, clangy, bangy radiators.

Pro: I suppose we should be grateful for central heating…

Con: It gets dark at about 2 PM.

Con: Standing around in crowded bars holding your bulky coats and scarves and layers and such because, obvi, there are no available tables or coat hooks to be found.

Pro: ALLLLLL the more reason to just stay at home and go to bed early!

Pro: Control-top pantyhose. There’s something just so reassuring about knowing all of that winter white flab is locked in and secure. Not goin’ anywhere.

Con:  Friends sharing photos from their mid-winter tropical vacations. The weather is there, I wish I were beautiful!

Pro: Flannel.

Con: Wool.

Neutral: Cotton, the fabric of our lives.

Pro: Snow, while falling and the first 3 hours of laying upon the ground.

Con: Snow, anytime from 3 hours until the final meltdown.

Pro: Ending on a pro, because I am an optimist:  Adult Snow Days. Rare and beautiful things.

And on the subject of rare and beautiful, here is another stunning photo of me, acting cash in my loungewear. Arousing, I know.

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