One Lazy Halloween

Boo! Halloween is right around the corner, folks. Are you ready? I am…NOT. After so many years of dominating the scene in my nude suit, I just haven’t been able to muster up a lot of enthusiasm for old Fright Night. I might end up staying in, eating candy and watching television, like I do most every other night, but if I do end up Trick or Treating I’m going to have to scramble, and fast, to come up with a sweet ‘stume.

I figured I can’t be the only last minute lazy bones out there, so wanted to offer up a few creative ideas for costumes that you can throw together at a moment’s notice, with very little energy expended. Or if you’re still looking for a way to get sexy without being dull, do consult last year’s list of creatively slutty costume suggestions!

Feel free to borrow any of these fantastic ideas… or share your own! And if you’re considering black face, might I suggest consulting this website first:  http://shouldidressinblackfacethishalloween.com/.

Let’s do this!

LIZ HO’S GUIDE TO HALLOWEEN FOR LAZY PEOPLE

Skeleton:

(via Pinterest) 

This is a classic from the Maggie HoBags playbook. Black pants, black t-shirt, “skeleton” made of masking tape. Boom.

Yankee Candle:

(image via)

Wear a colored t-shirt, print out an image label via Google Images or just rip the sticker right off your favorite candle. Attach a pipe cleaner or piece of string to your head. People miiiight try to light you on fire, but that’s a risk you’ll need to be willing to take.

Junk Mail:

(via the wikipedia page for “junk mail” which is a fascinating read!)

Just tape all of your junk mail to your body. Easier than opening a New Pre-Approved VIP Credit Card!

Similarly, yet slightly more creatively….

Pinterest:

(image via)

Just print out pictures of stuff you love, intricate first birthday cakes, workout inspiration and other nonsense and stick to your bod. Extra points if you include the Pinterest logo.

Dogwalker:

(image via)

Pretty self explanatory: Kidnap a bunch of puppies and walk them on leashes. Return all but the very cutest one at the end of the night!

Miley Cyrus in Wrecking Ball:

(image via)

All sorts of idiots are apparently paying actual American dollars for this hideous monstrosity...take it one step further, for cheaper, by just stepping out in your underbusiness while carrying construction tools.  Easy AND “sexy.” Good job!

Your Garbage Can:

(image via)

Cover your body in double sided tape, dump your garbage can over your head and see what sticks. Pee-yew.

Leftovers:

(image via)

Wrap yourself in tin foil. THE END.

Yard Sale:

(image via)

Take all of your unwanted belongings to a bar/party, set them on display with a sign reading Yard Sale. Then sell them to other party goers for money and/or candy.  Have a festive evening and make money while unloading unwanted items? Win and win.

Taylor Swift:

t swizz

I will sell you this wig and HAND MADE glittery pink guitar for $4 plus overnight shipping.

Office Tooth Brusher:

(image via)

The SCARIEST costume ever. Wear business casual and carry your tooth brush and toothpaste. I’m shuddering already just thinking about it!

Streaker:

(image via)

Literally streak around your neighborhood during trick-or-treat time. There is a 150 million percent chance you will get arrested but isn’t Halloween the time for a new adventure?

Kim Kardashian’s Engagement Ring:

(image via)

This one does take some time: darken the lights in your room, put on your sexiest white thong body suit and highest Louboutins, light one million candles and spritz the room with a liberal does of Glam, the Kim Kardashian eau de cologne. Then meditate on fame for three solid hours, taking breaks every 15 minutes to splash your face with Dom Perignon. If you do it right, you will then magically calcify into a 15-karat diamond. True fact!

It should wear off after about 24 hours but you might consider setting your affairs in order beforehand, just in case.

Liz Ho:

20131006_125636

Who doesn’t want to dress as their favorite blogger for Halloween? Oh, everyone? Fair enough! If you change your mind, just toss on some jeggings, a cardigan and a v-neck shirt. Drink all the wine you see and spill 42% of it on yourself. Done and done.

Bonus: make it a couple’s costume by having your partner dress in a JCrew checked button down and dress as Liz and Brian AKA the Will & Kate of Brooklyn.

Hahaha NO.

Annnnd I think that’s enough ideas for now. I trust y’all can come up with more great ones on your own. Happy Halloween, friends! Send me all your Kit Kats!

xooxo Liz

 

Advertisements

Another Awkward Week [2.1.13]

Oh my god, you guys. 30 Rock is over. My life IS OVER. Just kidding, we still have Netflix and I personally would rather see a show do 6 outstanding seasons before coming to a cohesive, meaningful end while they’re still on top, rather than skidding along, a ghost of their former greatness ala the US Office or How I Met Your Mother.

Do I care way too much about television? How DARE YOU imply such a thing.

So yes, last night was sad and I’ll miss my cast and crew of TGS but life will move on. And when I’m sad, I can always dress up in my Liz Lemon costume and drown my sorrows with sandwiches and off brand cheese puffs:

lizlemon

I spilled sandwich all down the front of my shirt directly after this photo was taken. As true a tribute to Liz Lemon as could ever be imagined.

I went above and beyond prepping food for this party and am now considering a side job where I plan and host TV theme parties. I’m only 12% joking. Would you like to hire me?

Below are a few snaps of the excellent feast I whippped up, and do note this will probably not make sense to you unless you’re a 30 Rock fanatic, in which case you can go ahead and scroll to the next segment of the blog,  using that scrolling time to reevaluate your priorities and life choices.

30 rock food

Night Cheese, D’Fwine, Hayum, Teamster Sandwiches and the higlight of the meal: cheesy blasters. And how do you make a Cheesy Blaster, you ask? I’ll let Liz explain:

And that’s exactly what we did! Using this helpful recipe here, I took some hot dogs, stuffed them with some jack cheese, wrapped them in a pizza and we had cheesy blasters.

cheesy blasterThanks Meat Cat!

And I’m not even for one second going to pretend they weren’t the greatest thing I’ve ever eaten. See what you’re missing, vegans!

And that was my Lemon Party. A delight it was. Now let’s leave 30 Rock in our rearview mirror and move on. Here’s what else was keeping it awkward this week:

This Chicken Foot:

chicken foot

Because it is a chicken foot and it is just lying (laying? help!) on the floor of the subway. Grotesque. If you were to ask me what I love most about living in NYC I would respond “EVERYTHING!” But then if you were to ask what I hated most, I would say “except rent and chicken feet.”

This Hole:

rippppppp

Because it is in my favorite pants and yes that is a picture of my crotch. You’re welcome, Mom! She’s so proud.

These black stretch jeggings from The Gap were my favorite pair of pants, bar none. I wore them a minimum of four times a week without shame. I look amazing in these pants. They’re also about as close to pajamas as you could possibly get without actually wearing Pajama Jeans.

Well, they are no more. Last Saturday I wore these to a Crafting Party at a girlfriend’s house (details on THAT to come next week!) and then went immediately out to a nearby restaurant to meet another friend for her birthday dinner. While gathering my things to head to dinner, my crafty friend asked “what do you have between your legs?” The answer, it turned out was absolutely nothing. Just air floating through a gigantic rip just three inches south of my babymaker.

I had two options: go home or find some other pants I could wear out to dinner. My host rummaged up a pair of black leggings that I thought I could rock solo, until someone pointed out that they were completely sheer and sporting a solid control top.

Tights are not pants, girls.

I managed to get my ripped pants on over top of the tights and in the dark of night it was hard to tell what a mess I was but oh, I still knew. Last week sweaters, this week pants.

I could not be classier.

And that’s that. A short list, I know but I kind of had my hands full cheese shopping, so please forgive me!

And how was your week? Did you bare your hooty ha for all the world to see? Weep over a comedy TV show? Stuff a hot dog with anything fancy? You know I’d love to hear it.

Anything big planned for the weekend, too? I am going to be a Productive Pamela. I’m going to write (!), file my taxes, go to yoga, go to Trader Joe’s and then I guess watch the Beyonce Bowl. I probably won’t accomplish half of what I’m setting out to but I’m hoping that by putting my intentions out for the whole internet to see, I will feel guilted into getting shit done lest ‘ye judge me lazy. Let’s see if it works!

Ok, I’m outta here. Happy weekend, nerds!

xo Liz Ho

Another Awkward Week [10.26.12]

Happy Friday, my fine friends! How was your week? Mine was jam-packed and busy. I still don’t know what I’ll be slash do for Halloween this weekend, a fact that is stressing me out more than it should. I always win so hard at this holiday, how am I dropping the ball?? Luckily, today we have our corporate sponsored boozy costume party, which should be a raging success and hopefully ease my own personal failure. I can’t tell you what my work costume is yet but it does involve one of those inflatable donut shaped pillows that people sit on to soak their hemorrhoids in the tub. Pretttty sexy!

Without further ado, here’s what was keeping it awkward this week:

This Bakery 

Which I’m assuming sells tarts but might want to reconsider their font. (Sidenote: Once Upon a Fart is so the title of my memoir.)

This Graph

Polls are getting definitively penis shaped out in Ohio…

(From this article – I try to keep up with politics & all I can do is snicker and make wiener jokes. A true patriot.)

These CD’s 

Because this week, much to my chagrin, I developed a debilitating Taylor Swift addiction. I find her so obnoxious but her music is so infectious and catchy and perfect and amazing. I think she might be a robot or an alien using sassy country pop revenge music to subdue us before her species comes and takes over the earth.

My new assistant purchased her new CD & burnt it for me, including track listings with her personal commentary (She finds Track 7 to be “meh” but at track 5 writes “I get goosebumps at 3:25, so sue me.”) You guys, I think we picked a winner here!

This Corporate Slogan 

Because, ew, congrats?? I guess it’s great to be the best at whatever you do. Also the fact that this sign was posted inside a porta-john in the median of a busy Brooklyn thoroughfare and is probably for construction worker use only but sometimes you’ve been at the park all day and you just really have to go and don’t think you can make it home and it’s not that gross, guys, they are #1 at picking up #2, so…yeah.

And that’s my week in review! How was yours? Have a happy & safe Halloween if you celebrate it this weekend. Stay hydrated! Don’t take homemade candies, they’re filled with needles. And if you DO wear a pleather sailor girl outfit, I don’t want to know.

xoxo Liz

One Cleverly Sexy Halloween

Halloween is just around the corner! Just a few short weeks to finalize that perfect costume.

For many of my ladyfriends, Halloween means one thing, and one thing alone: Slut Time. As Tina Fey so elegantly put forth in “Mean Girls”: “In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”

Well, this girl has a few things to say about it. Each year as I witness parades of Slutty Cats and Slutty Police Women, Slutty Cinderellas, Flight Attendants, Taxi Drivers, Cookie Monsters, et al, my blood begins to boil. Seriously, gals? This is what we’re wearing? Great.

But WAIT! Before you get up in arms about a Woman’s Right to Skank It Up allow me to clarify: I agree!  I’ve worn little more than flesh-toned lycra and rhinestones the past two Halloweens, I am all aboard the Skank Train.

It’s not the lack of clothes that bothers me, it’s the lack of creativity. Every year costume companies sell the same pre-packaged, uninspired, occasionally ridiculous costumes and we’ve reached a point where most of these sexy costumes are expected, unsurprising, boring and just lazy. As a Halloween Obsessive, I can not allow this to continue!

Halloween is the one time a year to bust out the big guns, to stand out, and the best you can come up with is a pre-packaged, pleather French Maid outfit?  I am sorry, no. First of all, snooze. Secondably, I have been to France (#humblebrag) and I’m quite positive that no maids dress like that and finally, I guarantee you’ll see at least 15 more ladies sporting the same get-up while out on the prowl for some tricks -n- treats. Would you be happy if you showed up at a party and 30% of the other guests were wearing the same outfit as you? Probably not. So why settle for same-ness on THIS of all nights?!

Now, I understand that the pressure to come up with a fab costume might cause some to panic and head right for the Hottie aisle at the nearest Ricky’s, so allow me, a self-proclaimed expert on creative skankery, to help you out. Here are a few simple yet out of the box ways you can show off your box this coming All Hallows Eve:

1. Sexy Sriracha
Tiny red tank with the sriracha rooster logo, red booty shorts, red eff-me heels and pointy green cap. Spicy!

2. Sexy Hipster Wedding
Wear a birdcage veil, an old-timey tweed vest with nothing underneath, ruffly little shorts, and cowboy boots. Carry a mustache on a stick & a mason jar and you’ll be looking at a Best Man/Maid of Honor style one night stand faster than you can say ‘I Do.”

3. Sexy Christmas Tree
Green mini dress. Loads of tinsel. A star on top. You’ll look as easy as this one was to put together!

4. Sexy Lighthouse
This one takes a little more work, but the payoff would be great. Either get a tinsy striped dress OR if you’re feeling bold, wrap yourself in nothing but ribbons. Make a little hat out of…something, I don’t make these, I just dream them up, and stick a flashlight or one of those little battery operated push lights inside. Voila! Land Ho indeed!

5. Sexy Double Rainbow
A pairs costume! Grab a friend, two matching rainbow striped dresses, rainbow knee socks & make a cloud hat.  Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaah, it’s a double rainbowww!

6. Sexy Downton Abbey
A fun group idea! If you simply can not part with that Dirty Maid outfit, round out your theme by gathering a group to defile Masterpiece Cinema’s Hottest Period Drama, Downton Abbey. Think big hats, clean white gloves, parasols …and lingerie. Add some maids, a few men in shirtless tuxedos and you’re looking at the Crawleys Gone Wild.

7. Sexy Mona Lisa
On top, a work of art. On the bottom, a total tart! (Sorry, sorry, I know!) Make like this clever gal and frame your face, either with a homemade frame or something cheap from the store. Drape your top half in something cloak like & maintain a serene expression, but below the frame: hot pants and fishnets!

8. Sexy Olympic Torch
I’m imagining London 2012 will inspire many a costume this year, so why not skank up the Games’ official and literally hottest symbol: the torch. This year’s torch was gold, shiny (and hello! hand delivered by Becks) and is so beyond easy to recreate. Gold lame mini-dress, tissue paper flames and a gold medal for good measure. McKayla will be impressed.

Those are just a few ideas, there’s a whole world of creative partial nudity out there if you just put your mind to it. Before you walk into a Ricky’s or a Party City, take a look around and ask yourself “is there anything out there I can recreate using little more than a bikini, some construction paper, Elmer’s Glue and thigh-highs?” The answer will almost always be “Hell yes.” With my help and some inspired thinking, I promise this Halloween you can be slutty, oh, so, so slutty, but never ever boring.

Trick or Treat, everyone!