Hola, chiclets! How ARE you? Did everyone have a delightful week? I hope so! My week was basically as hectic as you’d imagine a week to be when you’re getting married in T-15 Days and counting. But no more about the wedding…for now. I’m going to take just a small slice of this one day to not talk about our impending Big Day and instead talk about our move.
How tremendously excited you all must be!
So yes, spoiler alert: we moved! Boom. It was a total smash success and we are now comfortably nestled into our new neighborhood, Park Slope which is, honestly, such a cliche. For those of you not up on your Brooklyn neighborhood stereotypes, Park Slope is basically just all upper middle class married white people with puppies and/or babies. Like, OF course we turn 30, get hitched and move here. It’s inevitable. Puppies and/or babies, though, can stay on hold for a while. We’re livin’ that yuppie life. Or, I guess the cool new term for our tax bracket is is DINK: Dual Income, No Kids. But we’re more like DINKBLIMECIAOWPSSPDP: Dual Income, No Kids, But Living In the Most Expensive City in America and One Works in Publishing So Still Pretty Dang Poor.
Great use of time coming up with that acronym, Liz.
How #Brooklyn is our new neighborhood? Well everything, and I mean, everything is quote-unquote artisinal: wines. furniture. coffee. Even podiatry:
Artisinal Podiatry, guys. right next door! Livin’ the dream.
ANYWAY, successful as it was, the move was not without its more absurd moments. Por ejemplo, we did our best to be minimalists and throw out/donate stuff we no longer need or use but still ended up with so. much. STUFF. Like this pile of totebags…only 1/6 of my vast collection.
You know you work in publishing when…
Y’all know how it goes. At first you’re so organized, packing everything snug and perfect, labeling each box and taping perfectly and then an hour later you’re just throwing all your random shit into whatever box you can find, slapping a strip of tape somewhere on the box and calling it a day. I took to just labeling boxes “Liz’s crap.” “More of Liz’s crap.” “EVEN MORE LIZ CRAP!!!”
Except this box, the super VIP and rando contents of which were too funny not to list out:
- Iron? Check!
- Foam roller? Cheeeeck!
- Christmas wreath? Check plus.
- Football?! Check and check.
All the essentials!
I didn’t even know we had a football, that’s how little we use it and yet we moved it from A to B. Why oh why.
Oh and while we’re on the subject of packing, here’s a masterpiece I’m particularly proud of:
That’d be a tupperware container filled with packing peanuts and shot glasses. I didn’t want them to break! GENIUS idea!
Also, much like the football, do we ever use those shot glasses? Of course not, this ain’t the club. And yet, we moved them. Why oh why oh why?!
Oh riiight, THIS is why:
Some things, such as curtain rods and the coat rack required us to use tools, so we reached for our brand new toolbox:
This is a generous gift from my cousin and perhaps what follows is karma for trying to use your wedding gifts pre-wedding? Without having written a thank you note yet, to boot. Ugh I’m so tacky. Like Weird Al!
Anywhoo, this toolbox is, I assume, awesome and this is not to be negative towards the gift-giver, if anyone is to blame it’s us, we registered for it. Well, no, really the person to blame is Stanley Tools himself because that there toolbox is screwed shut.
As in, you need a screwdriver to open it.
As in, one of the three screwdrivers that comes INSIDE the toolbox…which is screwed shut…requiring a screwdriver…to open.
What the actual fuck, Stanley?! If we had a screwdriver we wouldn’t have needed this box in the first place! What kind of mind games are you playing? Is this a gift of the magi situation? Someone out there has a screwdriver and no screws to screw with and we’re meant to meet so we can screw together (nonsexually!)???
How many times can she say screw?
Srsly, though, screw you Stanley, this shit cray. Also does anyone have a screwdriver and want to come over to my new house and open my toolbox for me? THAAAANKS!
It should come as no surprise, considering the chaos that we had to go back to the old apartment not once but TWICE after we “officially” moved out. We rented a zipcar the following morning for a planned trip to finish cleaning and pick up some things we weren’t able to fit in the truck the day before and then realized, once we’d dropped off the car and returned to the new place “for the final time” that we’d forgotten to pack an entire kitchen cabinet. So three days later we jogged back across the park to pick up what we’d forgotten. We fully intended to carry our leftover belongings home by foot but thank JC we were able to get a taxi because we forgot like, a lot of stuff.
That’d be two cookie sheets, a slowcooker, the “lil’ dipper” slow-cooker, rice cooker, mini food processor, and a strainer. These, no joke, are our necessities and yet THESE are what we left at the old apartment. Not the Xmas wreath or 9 shot glasses but all the kitchen stuff we actually legit use.
But now our move is d-o-n-e DONE and we can focus on getting settled into our new home – organizing furniture, decorating and, oh yes, setting up appliances such as this cable box:
Which is, of course, a saga. I do hope you’re sitting down. Do you need a water break? You might need to hydrate.
SO. As I mentioned last week, I’d totally spaced on calling to set up an internet installation appointment for the new place and then proceeded to play phone tag with Time Warner for six straight days. When I finally reached them on Monday, I was delighted that they could schedule an appointment for Wednesday afternoon, between 4 and 5 PM. An appointment just two days later with a one-hour window? That’s basically a Sasquatch Loch Ness unicorn. Usually they only have appointments available 97 days later, somewhere in the window of 2 AM to 7:15 PM.
It was almost too good to be true!
No, it was literally too good to be true.
Wednesday morning at 9:30 AM I got a text saying, and this is a direct quote: “Time Warner Cable will call you shortly from a 718 number to confirm your appointment. You must answer to keep your appointment.”
I turned my ringer up as loud as it could go and carried my phone everywhere with me – meetings, coffee machine, even the bathroom. Not to be crude but I was prepared to take this phone call while changing my tampon. GROSS, I know, but I just need to demonstrate how dedicated I was to holding up MY end of this appointment. By 12:00 they’d not yet called and I had to go to a lunch meeting, where I wouldn’t be able to sit by my phone, so I called Time Warner and unleashed THE most insane slash quintessentially “LizHo” monologue upon the customer service rep, basically “HELLO, It’s me, Liz!!! I got the text but they’ve not yet called and I have a meeting and then might be on the subway and there’s no service in the subway so I won’t be able to answer their call but I promise I’ll be home at 4 PM this appointment is so important I can not lose it we need internet I have to plan my wedding and I need the internet OMG OMG OMG HELP ME!!!” all in one frantic breath. She assured me all would be peachy keen and not to fret.
WELL sure enough I missed their call around 1:30, whilst in my lunch meeting, a meeting from which I then RACED home, missing a full four hours of work, so I could be awaiting my cable appointment.
Did they show up? HELL NO they did not.
I tried to remain calm. I worked out. I read. I checked work email on my phone. I made Brian’s lunch for the next day because I am seriously the best (almost) wife ever and y’all should be jealous you’re not marrying me, I’m amazing. Finally at 5:40, with no cable guy in sight, I could no longer pretend to keep my cool, so I dialed up Time Warner, ready for some drama.
I called, no joke, nineteen times, and each time, I would be greeted by an automated message from NFL superstar Victor Cruz, telling me that Time Warner would help me make my dreams come true, then go through the automated voice system to be connected to a customer service rep and then…the phone would disconnect.
Dear Victor Cruz: I have but one dream and that is to speak to a Time Warner Customer Service representative and guess who is NOT making my dreams come true? That’s right, Time Warner Cable. Or you. I’m sure Victor Cruz is a lovely human being and an ace football star but if I ever see him, I am going to punch him right in the face.
Long story extra long, I finally, FINALLY managed to get through to a real human customer service rep who informed me that, as we already had a modem and router, we could actually just set the internet up on our own, no rep needed! She walked me through a series of steps and, though I did everything she told me, I still couldn’t get the internet to work. She told me it might take 24 hours, she’d call me back at 7:30 PM the next day.
I hung up, exhausted and dejected. Brian came over to help and, cliche of all cliches: the modem wasn’t plugged in to the wall.
Great work, Liz! Great work.
We plugged it in and now the internet works so well I’m here type type typing away from my very own home. A whole lotta drama for one mediocre blog post. A win for everyone!
Also, did that lady call at 7:30 PM the next day? OF COURSE NOT. Time Warner Cable – so far, NIET ZO GOED! Which is Dutch for Not So Good. Did you guys know I speak limited Dutch? FUN FACT!
Ok this post is longer than longer than LONG and I only have 7 days left at the office before #hottwedding so I should probably do some of that thing people call “work.” What is my job anymore, anyway? Hopefully looking at the Ikea website and frantically making wedding related to-do lists because that’s baaaaasically all I’ve been doing.
Happiest of weekends, hotties! Hope it is splendid from start to finish!
xoxoxo Liz Ho
This Cable Box