Hey GUYS! Remember me? No? Didn’t think so. It’s been what, like, years? Decades?
Oh, a week and a half? Well it feels like decades. The stress of trying to plan a wedding + find an apartment + move into said apartment + at least appear productive at work + pop zyrtec like it’s candy because my sinuses are not on board this summer + finish the first 4 seasons of Game of Thrones (3 down!) (RIP so very many people) + watch ALL the soccer + take so many cold showers after watching ALL the soccer because HOT DIGGITY DAYUMN all these men in shorts + play with my new blender + eat, drink, sleep and, you know, stay alive has really caught up with me and, much as I love you all (and the attention you give me, letz be honest here), writing has fallen onto the back burner.
The way, way back burner.
Which bums me out but c’est le vie, my friends. C’est le motherflipping vie.
Are you curious what else has been going on in my life, besides the above? No? Whelp, we all know I’ll probably tell you anyway. Let us all join hands and take a look what was keeping it awkward this past
decade week and a half.
This Travel Mug:
My BFF Mo generously gifted us with a Ninja blender for my bridal shower, complete with two travel mugs and this cool attachment function that lets you make your smoothies right there IN YOUR MUG. It’s miraculous. My old blender could barely chop. If I wanted to make a smoothie with frozen fruit, which I do, every single day, I would have to defrost the fruit in the microwave first and even then the blender would only get half of it, leaving me with warm smoothies with chunks of thawed, mushy fruit floating around. No bueno.
So to say this new toy is life changing is an understatement. My smoothie game has been revolutionized!
There is one downside which is sort of an upside in disguise, which is that the travel mugs twist on SO tight. And stay on SO tight. How tight? Neither I nor three of my colleagues could twist off the other day when I wanted to rinse it out. I tried to clean it with the lid still on by pouring in some warm water through the drink hole and swishing it around and pouring it back out again but that did NOT work and then all day I was left with this mess which, let’s be honest, looks like a travel mug full of diarrhea.
Did I ruin your appetite? I kind of ruined mine…
PS: Is it considered bad form to use your wedding shower presents before your wedding? If yes our form is bad to the bone, because we have been going nuts with all of our new kitchen gadgets. Whoops?
This past weekend was my bachelorette party – I demanded a whole weekend long party, I am such a ‘zilla. My gals rented a lake house in the Poconos and it was just the best. THE BEST. THE BEST!!!!! I have never felt so loved and special and also just so relaxed and so very, very full of food. Essentially we partied like it was 1999 (aka 8th grade) but this time with booze. And an inflatable penis. Disney singalong? Check. Cotton Eye Joe? Check. Getting weepy while talking about Dawson’s Creek? Check. 5 gallon tub of cheese balls? Check aaaaannnnd check.
We also swam in a pool, fended off a raccoon attack (mild exaggeration), played with sparklers, played “Pin the Hose on the Firefighter,” invented some kind of group Wawa chant, played dozens of rounds of Heads Up, created a new sex move inspired by “Free Willy” (yes, this Free Willy) called the “Whale Tail,” (we’ll tell you all about when you’re older), polished off copious amounts of Firefly vodka, Bud Lights and champagne (including one really fancypants bottle gifted by a friend who couldn’t be there (hi Ash!) which I drank through a straw because I’m classy like dat) and each of us ate a full years worth of calories in one night in the form of chips, dips, buffalo wings, cheese, cheese balls, cupcakes, cookies, brownies, macaroni salad, potato salad, hot dogs roasted over an open flame while completely hammered at 3 AM (an ill advised idea if I’ve ever heard one) and late night Kraft macaroni and cheese.
When I went up to bed I took of my pants and found a mac-n-cheese noodle in my underpants.
HA! How did it even get there? I was wearing leggings! Maybe the stripper put it there?!?! With his teeth!
JK there was no stripper.
Suffice it to say, it was the best weekend of my whole life. But how the H-E-Double Macaroni Noodles did that thing get in my pants?
A mystery for the ages!
Somehow we did not eat all of the food we brought that weekend, despite our very best efforts, so all of us brought snax and things home with us. I got dropped off on the Upper East Side and then took the subway back to Brooklyn carrying my suitcase, my ever-present tote bag, a basket of gifts and goodies from one of my girlfriends (Hi, Leah!!! I love you!!) and a big shopping bag full of leftover chips, one avocado and two nectarines. Quite the mix.
I managed to make it all the way to my stop without incident but then when trying to stand up and disembark my grocery bag tumbled over and started to spill all over the place. There was NO TIME to waste so I just grabbed what I could and ran off the train. I saw a nectarine rolling down the car and a woman yelled after me “ma’am! your groceries!” But there was no turning back. This is not Saving Private Ryan.
RIP, that nectarine. I’ll miss you.
I thought both nectarines were goners until Tuesday when I unpacked the chips for a little World Cup party at the office and found a smashed nectarine in the bottom of my bag, just rotting away.
So he may have survived the subway but his life was no better. Sorry, nectarines. I tried.
Sorry also, USMT. Tough loss out there. You did GREAT and I would still do filthy things (like the Whale Tail!) with each and every one of you, so thanks for inspiring our country and the libidos of millions of weird women. Or at least just this one. LOVE YOU TIM HOWARD.
This Traffic Cone:
I was walking to work the other morning wearing this pretty maxi dress (last seen covered in coffee at Brian’s sister’s graduation) (from Old Navy, OBVZ). The dress is sort of faux-wrap style in that it doesn’t tie, but the skirt is fully slit up the middle so when the wind blows it blows right on open, giving all of NYC a real show.
I came up with a trick of positioning my cross-body bag right in front of my goodies when I’m walking and wearing this so that it blows open but only up to a certain point and all the necessary stuff is still covered up.
I did not come up for a trick for when you’re walking by a turned over traffic cone sitting on the sidewalk and the bottom of your long skirt gets caught on it and you get stuck and a fellow commuter has to help you untangle yourself because you’re holding up morning rush-hour traffic.
This Leftover Snack:
Y’all know I love buffalo wings and blue cheese. So much, in fact, that sometimes I like to spill blue cheese dressing directly into my pocket.
You know, so I can save a little treat for later.
Couldn’t be classier if I tried.
And, that, beautiful people, is what’s been up! How have YOU been? Any big plans for the holiday weekend, Americans? The weather is supposed to be a butthead and rain all day in NY so I don’t know what I’ll get up to. Maybe write our wedding ceremony or get our wedding bands? You know, those minor yet crucial details that we should probbbably get on top of? Or we could clean and pack our apartment? Sell our old stuff? Stop spending so much money?!?!
Ohhh boy. Welcome back, stress. It was a nice 10 minutes not thinking about you. The next 6 weeks are going to be cray to the cray but I’m excited. Bring it on, life.
Happy weekend to you all and Happy Birthday, America!!! I love you. Thank you for being the home of the free and land of the brave and I just realized I mixed those two up but I ain’t going back to fix it.
Baby you’re a firework,