Some Awkward/Awesome Travel Tips

passport

In case the 146 billion degree temps + fireworks + corn on the cob haven’t tipped you off: summer is upon us. It’s here, drink beer, get used to it.

Summer + travel often go hand in hand, hence the term Summer Vacation, so I thought I’d toss out a few fun travel tips to help take your summer trip from zero to hero. These tips are also applicable to fall, winter and spring vacations – timeless travel tips, that’s what I aim for.

But listen. I’m not going to tell you how to dress or how to efficiently pack a suitcase or what to read or eat on a plane or any of that jazz, you already know that and if you don’t, you can flip to the latest and greatest issue of Real Simple and they’ll hook you right up. No,  thought I’d share some special, supplemental travel tips that will have you the star and hero of your own vacation, making the most out of any trip whether you’re headed to Little Rock, Arkansas or Paris, France or somewhere in between.

You’re welcome in advance!

  • Always wear good underwear when flying. You never know what those full body scanners might show up and if, God forbid, your plane crashes and you end up in some kind of Lost island scenario, you’re going to want to be looking and feeling your sexy best.
  • Speaking of underwear: always have an extra pair in your carry-on and pack three times the amount you think you might need for your trip. You can never be too prepared when it comes to underbusiness.
  • Don’t bother bringing toiletries when staying with friends, it’s fun to use other people’s stuff.
  • DO bring toiletries when staying at a hotel, you can never guarantee the quality of the free products. That said, if they are high quality, obviously and no duh, stock up.
  • If your hotel has a continental breakfast, it is your duty to go back for thirds and fill your bag with leftovers.
  • When going on a road trip, make your companion drive 93% of the time.
  • Always bring your exercise clothes. Never use them.
  • Sneak a razor onto a plane by hiding in the running shoes you’re bringing but not using. Yes, you might get caught and shipped right off to Guantanamo buttttt it’s a risk you have to be willing to take not to have to buy razors at resort prices.
  • If your travel destination has a special local cocktail, just drink it. No questions asked. And order another round.
  • Same goes for food – whether it’s chicken fried steak or boiled monkey brains, just try it! As the youths say: YOLO.
  • To be frugal, pack your lunches.
  • To experience the best of local culture, eat at all of the finest restaurants.
  • To get the most bang for the all of your money, do both: pack a lunch, eat it by 11:05 AM and then hit up a fine dining establishment an hour later. By the transubstantiatial property of 2 x 2 = 4, you’ll be four times happier and t is a proven fact that credit card debt doesn’t count when you’re on vacation, so just go for it.
  • Don’t wear a string bikini in the ocean unless you’re prepared to go accidentally full-frontal at least once.
  • Pack a lot of bandaids. You never know.
  • Take 70 billion photographs. Upon your return, print them out and invest in a fancy scrapbook. Keep the photos in a box for 6 + years and eventually just throw the scrapbook out.
  • Before you travel, watch a movie set wherever you’re going and then reenact scenes all over town. The cheesier the better. (See photo above of a pal & I reenacting a pivotal scene from the Mary Kate & Ashley CLASSIC Passport to Paris in the Luxembourg Gardens, circa 2006.)
  • Send postcards! It’s cute and makes someone’s day. Write dirty stuff on the back and make the postman’s day, too.
  • It’s 5 O’clock somewhere
  • Two Words: Sun Block
  • Two More Words: Aloe Vera
  • If you’re travelling by bus, don’t change your entire outfit, including bra and underpants in the bus bathroom while en-route, even if you’re on the way to see your new long-distance boyfriend for the first time and you want to be as fresh and sexy as possible. Just take my word on this one.
  • And finally, do your best not to be a crazy stress monster even if that is your natural state of being. Your job – that’s back at home. You missed a connecting train? Get drunk at the station bar. Trip not working out exactly as you envisioned it in your brain all these weeks – that’s ok! Slow down, go with the flow and enjoy it as it is. You can get right back on the anxiety bus the second you get home but for now, you’re on vacation. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

And there you have it.  Follow these tips and you’re sure to have a top notch vacation at any destination.

Now your turn! What do you think makes a perfect vacation even perfecter? That’s a word now, just roll with it.

Happy Summer, my fine friends!

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6 thoughts on “Some Awkward/Awesome Travel Tips

  1. Thanks for the tips. You can take a razor on in a carry on. But just one… so don’t go buying a pack to shove in there… And putting it in your shoe may make you look more suspicious. Also, if you don’t want to chance it, if you are staying at a hotel, most have razors you can call down for. Just make sure you take shaving cream if that is the case. ouch.

    One more tip: If you are flying, I highly recommend watching either Air Force One or Snakes on a Plane while flying.

      • Thanks! I travel enough… Although I didn’t for a long time because I thought the same thing. And they take nail files! I guess a razor as is, isn’t sharp enough to do any damage except to the user’s legs and airport sercuity doesn’t consider that their problem!

        I have been on a plane where snakes on a plane was the in flight movie. I don’t think anyone watched.

  2. “Take 70 billion photographs. Upon your return, print them out and invest in a fancy scrapbook. Keep the photos in a box for 6 + years and eventually just throw the scrapbook out.” This is genius. However, I must say I invented this strategy in the summer of 2006, when I came home from my Spring Break cruise 800 photos heavier and, a mere moment later, left my apartment in 2012 800 photos + one empty scrapbook lighter.

    • Haha for me it was post travel abroad 2006, finally ditched the scrapbook in my last move…also the bag of “memorabilia” aka random bar coasters was finally trashed.mthank god for online photo saving.

  3. real talk: do the airport scanners really show what kind of underwear you’re wearing….???? some of us are more comfortable and choose not to wear underwear…. ever…. ummm what? who? Now I’m embarrassed.

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