Gooood morning! Listen, I know that nobody likes the person who complains about the weather all the time, but I’m just going to pop on my unlikeable hat and be that person for one hot second. And by hot second I mean cold, grey, rainy second because what. the. WHAT are you doing right now, Mother Nature? Is this all a practical joke? It’s mid-June and we’ve had more 60 degree days than 80 and enough dreadful precipitation for twelve lifetimes. This isn’t April, girlfriend. Step it up!
My company is supposed to be doing this walk for charity today for this organization called Girls Write Now and I believe strongly in this organization and many generous friends and family donated and I’m so grateful…but the thought of traipsing along the Hudson River Path at 10 AM in the cold, blustery rain is…unappealing. I mean, how important is literacy anyway? Not that important right? It’s not like reading pays my bills or anything.
Anyway! Let’s try to get positive, shall we? What’s everyone up to this weekend? Don’t forget that Sunday is Fathers’ Day! Call your dads, kids.
I’m wishing a very happy Fathers’ Day to all the Baby Daddies reading this. I hope you get all the grills and tools and red meat your manly hearts can handle! My relationship with my own father is complicated in a way that’s too personal and delicate and serious to get into on this here blog about farts and food spills, but I feel like we are moving forward in a positive way, reminding me of the power of second chances and unconditional love. So wishing an especially happy Fathers’ Day to my old (very old!) (just kidding, I’ll be nice today) (you’re only regular old) man.
And now, without further ado, why don’t we take a look back at what was keeping it awkward this week.
So let’s just start this week at the very beginning, shall we? Sunday I was in the park, with George, which is what I call Brian when I’m feeling particularly Sondheimy, and we decided to toss the bee around. WELLLLL I don’t know what happened, if like, my arm chemistry changed or something but I could not throw this stupid frisbee for the life of me. I’ve never been great at what you’d call ‘hand-eye-coordination’ or “athleticism’ but I can throw a frisbee pretty well. Or at least OK. Let’s go with OK. Until this week when I could not get the disc to leave my hand in a normal fashion. It’s like it was glued to my hand or my arm lost the ability to properly release objects. I’d give it a toss and it would swerve to the right, then to the left, or just flop right in front of me. I threw it straight up in the air. Side to side. Basically anywhere but in the direction of my target. The more this went on the more self conscious I got and thus the worse I got at throwing until I somehow managed to tomahawk the frisbee straight down into the ground in front of me and just quit while I was ahead. And by ahead, I mean very, very behind.
We then sat down for a leisurely game of cards until I threw a dramatic tantrum when Brian had the audacity to question my authority on the rules of Rummy 500 and I self-diagnosed myself with a very dire condition known as Hangry which is when you are so hungry you become angry and fly off the handle for little to no reason.
For the record, I was, indeed, incorrect about the rules of Rummy 500, a fact which I conceded graciously…after stuffing my face with a burger.
That said, it might not have been pure Hanger poisoning my mood that afternoon. It miiiight have also been due to
Yeah. Remember when I said I was “diligent about sunscreen?” Well, what I meant was that I am diligent about applying sunscreen to some portions of my body while leaving others entirely unexposed or even worse: splotchily covered.
I went to the park in shorts and a tank top and I started with the SPF, I did.
I just plain forgot to lotion up my bare legs, but did seem to possibly wipe my hands on them, leaving a delightful pattern. Let’s take a closer look…
here on my outer leg you’ll notice a wavy pattern of white that I assume is from the swipe of my sunscreen covered fingers and what’s this white blob, glowing in the middle of my thigh?
It appears the very size and shape of a thumb.
Of which I would give two, way up, to this hack job of a skin safety course.
Monday it was raining and freezing, because when isn’t it, these days, so I wore the loosest, softest pants I could find and at regular intervals throughout the day would shut my office door, pull down my pants, slather my legs with aloe and then sit there for a while, with my pants around my ankles, workin’ away.
If you’ve ever thought “wow, email is so impersonal, you have no idea what the other person is doing, they could be pantsless.” Wahellll my friends: I’m living proof that they probably are.
Later that night I returned to my palace and wrapped my charred stems in cool wet paper towels like a sad mummy.
I can’t wait for this to turn to tan so I can have brown spotted legs all summer.
S to the E to the X-X-Y.
Then next morning I made…
I usually make my smoothsters using banana as a thickening base + some kind of fruit + almond milk but on this particular day I was fresh outta nanners and remembered I’d read on the interweb that one could exchange avocado for the banana for the same effect + xxxtra health benefits. Lucky me, I had an avocado! I was all aboard.
I chose this recipe because it seemed the easiest, except I didn’t have any vanilla almond milk so I just tossed in a few droplets of vanilla extract. The result was…grotesque.
It looked, smelled and tasted like vanilla flavored guacamole. And no matter how much I tried to liquify it by adding more milk or water, it maintained the same semi-solid state of matter, like sucking a big cup of lime green, vaguely grassy tasting pudding through a straw.
Still with me? GREAT. Let’s skip to Wednesday when I took an evening bike ride through Prospect Park onnn…
Yes, the same godforsaken bicycle I keep writing about week after week. Love her but she don’t make it easy.
What, exactly are we looking at here? Allow me to explain. So, like I said, I decided to take Saucy Sally out for a spin around the park, it was a beautiful evening, I needed to get my blood flowing, and what a better way to see the world than on two wheels, am I right?
First, I was forced to face the Hard Truth of just how out of shape I am. Like…very.
Cool diagram, bro!
The park has this great 5K pavement loop that ends with a big hill, so whenever you run or ride you have to end by hauling tail up this mother flipping mountain. Yes, a mountain. I’d like to meet and murder whoever came up with that genius idea. And just like the last time, I could not get myself up this hill without stopping. I made it roughly 2/3 of the way up, pedaling my darndest, before screeching over to the side of the road where I rested, sagging, heaving for oxygen until this short, fat little Hasidic Jewish boy who could not have been more than seven years old or weighed less than one hundred and seventy pounds, no offense fat people OR Jews, just setting the scene here, whizzed by me on his little ten speed like it ain’t no thang and I was MORTIFIED that this little chubbster could bike better than I could, so I hopped back in the saddle and wearily pedaled the rest of the way home.
BUT FIRST I stopped off at the local delicatessen to pick up a few apples to juice the next morning (along with carrots, beets and a hodgepodge of random greens I got during this week’s CSA. It was…interesting. Apparently I had already forgotten the perils of haphazard breakfast beverage concoction experienced nary 48 hours prior) and the guy at checkout asked me if I needed a bag and I said “no, I live right around the corner!” and proceeded to shove two large apples into one very tiny purse.
I knew there was only one way for this to end.
I walked my bike the rest of the way to my home and took my customary 14 minutes to get it through the front gate + 7 more minutes to enter the vestibule + 11 more to get into the hallway and as I leaned over in an attempt to pick up the bike to haul it up the stairs, my purse caught on the handlebars (P), knocking one of the apples across the hallway floor (A) and causing me to drop my keys (K). As you can see above. Getting untangled from the handle and picking up my stray belongings while still holding my bike upright is one of my new Top 15 Greatest Life Accomplishments.
Seventy three hours later, I arrived at my third-floor apartment door, near dead from exhaustion and dehydration. Where were the stray apple and my keys? In the only place I could think to store them: my brassiere.
Um, guys, does this shirt make my hooters look lopsided?
I was starving, naturally, so I whipped up…
This Tasty Egg:
My riff on Smitten Kitchen’s smashed egg toast, but with broccoli raab instead of spinach, because I’m risky like that. But before I made this delightful egg I made
This Disgusting, Undercooked Egg:
This Egg That I Broke In The Pot So Then Egg Whites Started Bubbling Around In The Water And Weirding Me Out:
Too runny. Too yucky. Just right. And totally exhausting. Now I know why Goldilocks needed that damn nap.
I mean, I could have stopped after the first egg but that’s not my style. Did I quit the soccer team after being relegated to the bench? NO! Did I stop watching How I Met Your Mother after the seventy fifth terrible season? NO! Did I give up on these eggs? HELLLL NO.
I have become the queen of food wasting around here lately and I’m mortified at the thought of it, but everything I’ve been whipping up has been terrifying. I then, offff course, convinced myself I was pregnant, what with all of these food aversions, before reminding myself that it’s likely more a matter of weird jars of butter and vanilla guacamole shakes and raw eggs being disgusting than me being hormonally repulsed by foods.
So! Was this dinner worth the 2 wasted eggs + 15 minutes of pregnancy terror? Eh. It wasn’t not worth it, it was actually pretty delicious, but I’m sure there were multiple dozens of equally delicious things I could have cooked up for half the effort and 100% less intrauterine paranoia.
Aaaand there you have it my friends. Another week, a whoooole lot of drama for very little reason. Thass the way I do it!
And how was your week? Plans for le weekend? Adventures? Challenges? Potential moments of glory? Tell me everything!
xoxo Liz Ho