One Awkward Shavasana (Or: An Attempt at Yoga and Meditation)

Friends! How was everyone’s weekend? Mine was PDG. Pretty Darn Great. Sorry, Monday  mornings lead to some highly unnecessary acronyming. Also: turning nouns into verbs. It’s a thing. Just go with it.

Anyway, have you guys heard of yoga? It’s this centuries old spiritual and physical discipline and also a fitness trend that became popular, oh, twenty years ago. Ever ahead of all the workout crazes (next up: Zumba!), I have recently started yoging and mostly enjoying myself. I have just done beginner stuff so far, so I can’t stand on my head or anything, but I’m excellent at corpse pose, which is where you just lie on the floor like, you guessed it a corpse and have also finally figured out how to do the sun salutation, which is like flowing from one move to the other and also a basic tenet of yoga that I’m pretty sure should take five minutes to master and has taken me seven beginner classes. Basically: I’m amazing.

But! I still like it, even though I’m mostly terrible. I like feeling myself using different muscles and trying new things and challenging myself to stand still when I’d much rather just hop around.

The one thing I just can’t seem to come around to is the meditative stuff. Meditation and breathing and holistic, body-focused, nature inspired, chakra power is a huge part of yoga but it is just not my bag. I KNOW that this part of yoga is probably the most important for anxiety monsters like me and I should stop being cynical and rolling my eyes and just go with it but eeeeeehhhhhhhhh: no. No matter how hard I try to turn my brain to nothing and banish all thoughts (maybe I’m trying too hard), I just can’t seem to do it.

And I have a question: can anyone? I’m serious. I’m sure there are plenty of yogis out there, and I would truly love to hear. When you are meditating/doing shavasana or whatever that is where you lay on the floor and become jello, does your brain ACTUALLY stop thinking and just start om-ing or become a big glowing ball of light or whatever or are you actually laying there, thinking, just like me? Tell me, tell me!

That said, despite my inability to stop  my brain entirely, I have found that at the end of a good yoga class, when we have to lay on the floor and the teacher whispers all quietly about sinking into the mat and relaxing and focusing our minds, my mind still does, wander, always, but I seem to manage to get it down from about 100 miles / hour to, let’s say 15. And my thoughts tend to be on things like homemade juice and fresh tulips and how excited I am to see my mom next weekend instead of work or life or money or what people are thinking about me. So that has to count for something, right? Positivity?

So that got long and contemplative, deal with it, but I HAD to tell you about this hilarious experience I had in yoga class yesterday morning. So we yogied and yogaed and yagood and then laid down like dead bodies to meditate and breathe and relax and I managed to get my brain semi-focused on the task at hand when all of a sudden, beside me, I hear a faint snort. Then another, and another until it builds into a cacophony of snoring. The guy beside me had FALLEN ASLEEP and was sawing logs like a goddamn carpenter, all the while the teacher is softly whispering about emptying our minds and being one with the universe and I could not keep it together. It took every fiber of my being not to burst out laughing. I nearly peed myself right on the mat. My roommate was laying to my other side and we both had sense enough not to even glance at one another, or else we would lose it.

So then, of course, I just laid there thinking  how I had to run home and blog about him. Excellent meditation, Liz. You nailed it.

But, I mean. AH! It was hilarious! What was I supposed to do, tune it out? Focus on my inner core being and the breath of the world’s goodness? There’s only SO FAR I can go with this Yoga scene and if it involves NOT making light of awkward situations around me (in a gentle, loving way, obvi), well, I don’t think it’s worth it.

Next class I’ll bring a big box of breathe right strips to pass out to other yogers, just in case.

You never know!

Ok, upon re-reading this story wasn’t thaaat great and maybe you had to be there. Mostly I just wanted to brag about how I’m into yoga now, so everyone thinks I’m fit and awesome. And also get some backup from the internet. Seriously, yoga professionals, am I doing it right?? Back me up that I’m not the only bad Yogi in the room thinking about apple juice and giggling to myself?!

Anyone? Bueller?

And that’s my story. The end! Wishing everyone a centered and spiritual Monday (yeah, right!) and here, apropos of nothing, is a beautiful picture of a magnolia tree because it is spring and I read somewhere that people are more likely to read your blog if it has photos.

magnolia

YOU’RE WELCOME!

PS! On Wednesday I’ll be announcing the big winner of my amazing joke contest, so be sure to tune in, and if you have yet to put in your guesses, now is your chance!  (Spoiler alert: the prize is nothing.)

xoxo Liz Ho

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6 thoughts on “One Awkward Shavasana (Or: An Attempt at Yoga and Meditation)

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  2. That guy snoring is hilarious!!! I remember hearing heaving breathing and assuming some one had dropped off into the dream zone, but snoring!!!
    I was amazing at corpse pose too, but have to say I was able to clear my head back when I was going to class. It’s been years!

  3. While reading this just now, I became one with a plate of spaghetti and a bowl of cookies-and-cream ice cream. I think we’re all winners here today.
    Fine post. Bring the breathe strips for sure for extra awkwardness. Handing out breath mints, also good.

  4. Oh gawd. same thing happened to me when I tried yoga to de-stress and get rid of back pain. I ended up getting MORE stressed after each session because all the geezers fell asleep and snored and farted and I just had this growing rage inside of me. So I guess yoga made me a monster instead of a…uh…. delicate flower with an open mind.

  5. You know, the more I read your blog the more I am convinced that if we had crossed paths in the real world, we would probably be friends!
    I’m at work having a hard time trying not to burst out laughing from your story. (It’s a small office and sound carries… so everyone would know I was crazy…)

  6. I’ve been doing yoga for a year and I can’t even begin to clear my mind. I figure taking it from thinking about 1m things to maybe like 5 is hella great though. P.S. Keep it up, you’ll be doing headstands in not time

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