Happy Friday, my ducks! (Ducks? Ducks!) This week was SO good. Spring has finally sprung and I think the sunshine and warm weather and a few glasses of sauvignon blanc on a sunny patio was just what the doctor ordered to whisk away any remains of my winter doldrums. I’m back, baby!
I’m not even that bummed by today’s torrential downpour because I finally get to tell my VERY BEST joke that I save up and break out once a year on the first rainy day of April.
Is everyone ready for this? Hold onto your hats, it’s a good one…
April Showers Bring May Flowers, but What Do May Flowers Bring???
Answer in the comments and I’ll select one correct jokester at random to win a prize! The prize is a secret and could range anywhere from me mentioning your name in a post next week OR me sending you a bust of my head made of one million Sacajawea dollars, so you probably want to just gamble on it and take a guess.
But don’t rush into it, this is some pretttty sophisticated humor and might take a while to land.
Aaaand on that note, let’s see what else was keeping it awkward this sunny, beauteous, Aprilicious, Springalingadingdonging week:
I’ve been making a lot of smoothies lately because they are a healthy, delicious, relatively easy treat that my body seems able to digest. I kept using regular bananas as a base, but read online that frozen bananas really take smoothies to the next level, so I tossed a nanner in the freezer and it came out this horrible grey-ish brown color and ROCK SOLID. It took me at least 15 minutes, using our sharpest knife, to saw through the peel and try to salvage some of the banana meat for a smoothie that ended up tasting no better, at all, than my regular mix.
And incidentally, my smoothies have been looking a lot like what I’m trying to prevent with all this clean eating:
But they taste really good, I swear! My fave recipe: one NON FROZEN banana, handful of frozen blueberries, handful of frozen strawberries, handful of spinach, dollop of almond butter, 1/2 cup of almond milk and some water as needed, blend away until smooth and drink up! And if you really want to get fancy you can add some chia seeds which are the trendy new superfood, according to the internet, and I am obsessed with superfoods, even if they are the base of chia pets.
One of the articles I read about chia seeds gave a warning that, good as chia seed are, people should NOT eat their chia pets. AWW. People are so dumb!
Which I laid out on my bed to put on yesterday and then promptly managed to get lotion all over the butt.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? I am not exaggerating when I say that I have to change my clothes at least once a week before I even leave for work, because I can not get out of the house without first covering myself in food, cosmetics, lotions or other products that usually leave vaguely sexual stains all over the clean outfit I just put on four minutes ago.
I am like a toddler. Just once I would like to make it five days in a row without requiring an outfit change, is that too much to ask??? I don’t know why I’m getting so irate – who am I yelling at, besides myself, the only person to blame for all of my stained clothes? God?
Are you there, god, it’s me, Liz, stop spilling stuff all over my jeggings!!
Phew, that feels better.
Mixed greens with artichoke hearts, olives and…yum, cardboard!
My latest cleanse: only eat corrugated paper products.
OBVIOUSLY I threw the c-board away and finished the rest of the salad because a) I’m disgusting and b) that shit cost TEN DOLLARS AND EIGHTY THREE CENTS. For a bowl of vegetables. It would take like, an entire severed human arm popping up in my lunch for me to throw it away after dropping that kind of dough.
Mine, in my boudoir where the magic happens. I try to keep things generally tidy in my home and I am practically perfect in every way, except one, which is that I am a notorious cup hoarder. Once a week or so my roommates will go into the cupboard to grab a drinking implement and find the cabinet empty and they’ll know exactly where alllllll of the cups are: in my bedroom. Every time a glass or mug goes in there, it never comes out again, until we’re forced to drink out of empty jars and I finally lug my dirty half-full water glasses and mugs of tea and things back into the kitchen, usually requiring multiple trips.
I was worse in college, when I was at the peak of my laziness/messiness/liquid consumption. I reached my record one day when we counted and I had thirteen cups with varying levels of old liquid in them including like a 7-11 big gulp, a plastic margarita glass, five wine glasses, three coffee mugs and so forth. Gross? Gross!
I can’t help it. It is my weakness. Now I usually just let myself get to approximately five cups or so, before bringing them back in. Usually they’re scattered about the room between the bookshelf and the desk and the bedside table, but the other morning I realized that every bare surface on my bookshelf was covered with a dirty cup. Whoopsicles!
These Ankle Boots:
Aren’t they cute? They’re Steve Madden and were originally over $100 but I got them for $45 at Loehman’s, cha-ching! It took me literally 11 tries to get a photo of them that came out halfway decently – at first I tried them on their own but they just looked like weird disembodied Wizard of Oz witch shoes (minus the cute glitter) so then I put them on my feet and couldn’t get a good angle and had to turn the flash on and it was a whole thingggg and I REALLY should not have gone to all that effort to tell you what I’m about to tell you, which I should probably tell no one but I have no filter whatsoever, so I’m doing it:
These boots make my feet smell.
Big whoop, you say? Everyone’s feet smell! (Except Kate Middleton’s!) Well hold your horses and let me go on (no, stop me!):
These boots make my feet smell like corn chips.
HAHA isn’t that gross?? For whatever reason, every time I take these shoesies off my feetsies the insides of the shoes and my feet smell EXACTLY like a bag of Fritos and I am not even joking. It is the weirdest, grossest thing ever.
Annnnd isn’t your life better now that you know this information? I think I may have just crossed the overshare line into a bad place, one I can never return from.
And for bonus fun, here is a photo of me this morning, modeling my Frito Boots (future band name, I call dibs!) for a blog photo:
Just GLAMOUR 24/7 up in the Liz Ho household.
And how was YOUR week?? Spill anything on your favorite pants? Rock ankle boots with a hot robe? Eat any good smoothies? As always, I’d love to hear from you.
Have a delightfully awkward weekend – get out and enjoy that spring weather! Unless you live in the snowy, icy Midwest in which case yikes, sorry guys. Hang in there!
Peace, love and corn chips,