Before you get too excited allow me to clarify my link-bait headline up there, I am not currently engaged. Believe me, when it happens, you’ll know.
A quick question: do you guys watch The Bachelor? I do not. Surprisingly! For as much TV as I consume, I generally don’t get too sucked into reality programming, for whatever reason. From time to time I will find myself invested one season of a show – the Joey Fatone/Apollo Anton Ono season of Dancing With The Stars, the Boston Rob season of Survivor, Kelly vs Justin on American Idol, The Voltaggio Brothers on Top Chef – but then the next season I just miss all the contestants from the year before and get bored and move on to other nobler pursuits, like feeding the homeless and writing government petitions to stop animal abuse.
Just kidding, I just find other TV shows to fill my time. What a life.
Despite the fact that I’m not a big Bachelor fan, I am hooooooooked on this web series Burning Love. It is a comic send-up of The Bachelor and it. is. hilarious. Season One, featuring Ken Marino as the dimwitted firefighter bachelor (instead of offering a rose, he asks contestants if they will “accept his hose.” Double Entendre: Never Not Funny), is now playing on E!, so do what you need to do to watch that one, and Season 2, a Bachelorette edition is in-season RIGHT NOW at Yahoo TV. Go, go goooooo:
June Diane Raphael, who is srsly underrated IMO, is the adorable, self-absorbed, mildly unhinged Bachelorette who gets to choose from a wide variety of hotties including Michael Cera, Ryan Hansen, Adam Scott, Jerry O’Connell, Colin Hanks and the real-life Seth Cohen himself: Adam Brody.
Chrismukkah Comes Early!
This mashup of the Bachelor and the Brodester brought back a swarm of memories from an earlier time in my life, my first engagement.
I know, totally out of left field, this fact, but it is true: I was engaged to…or at least planning a wedding with…none other than Adam Brody himself. No love was stronger than ours. Except maybe the love between Seth and Summer, but they’re not real people, so, we win.
Our story: Freshman Year of college my girlfriends and I were all gathered in someone’s dorm room watching the televised wedding of the first ever Bachelorette, Trista marry her hunky poet/firefighter fiance Ryan. It was a fairytale wedding of epic proportions and being the incredibly cool kids that we were, we had a whole night planned around it with snacks and crafts and mocktails and it was a delight. We decided that we wanted to look at wedding dresses & accessories & such online. This was before Style Me Pretty and A Practical Wedding and Once Wed and other big wedding blogs which I’ve only heard about like, in passing conversation, I totally don’t read wedding blogs all day, what?!, so we found ourselves at the mothership of the Wedding Industrial Complex: TheKnot.com. We poked around a bit, but to really get to the good stuff on that site you need to be a registered bride.
Really, what’s a gal to do in this situation but make up a fake engagement?
And so we did. I’ll obviously do anything for a laugh, so I volunteered (probably demanded, let’s be real) to be the bride. Who is your groom, they asked? I had no real life boyfriend in the picture (plus planning a fake wedding with a human I might actually come in contact crossed a bridge too far, even for me), so I picked the current man of my dreams, the Jon Hamm of my College Years: Adam Brody. This was back in the height of the OC Days, before Mischa Barton went off the rails, and Seth Cohen was every awkward girl’s dream boyfriend: nerdy yet gorgeously handsome, hilarious, quick with a joke, sensitive, lover of holiday tradition. Whatta guy. I suppose I thought that saying I was engaged to a fictional character was extra lame, so I selected Adam Brody, real person, to be my Knot.com husband.
Sure why not. (or why KNOT?! BA DUM BUM, God I’m good.)
I filled out a whole profile with our names, addresses, wedding party (Benjamin McKenzie aka Ryan Atwood was obvz the Best Man), and after a long discussion about whether or not it was politically correct, we settled on a wedding date of September 11, 2004.
(Related: Do you think it is politically correct to get married on 9/11? I feel like yes, move forward, positivity, blah blah, but definitely a weird date to be writing on your anniversary cards every year.)
We goofed around on the site for a while before signing out, but TheKnot does not (knot!) forget. During the months between signing up and our One Special Day 9/11/04 I was barraged with an endless stream of emails promoting deals, reminding me of my wedding planning checklist, honeymoon tips, the works. It was funny at first, but after a while I just took to deleting them as soon as they came in. All good jokes must die at some point.
Then a few months later I went home to my mom’s house and she handed me a gigantic manila envelope.
“You got some mail,” she said, with a smirk in her eye.
I opened the envelope and out fell HUNDREDS of pamphlets and flyers and coupons from florists, jewelers, DJs, limo services, travel agencies, and other WIC related vendors.
“Getting married?” she asked, clearly having trouble containing her laughter.
“Yes.” I said. ” To Adam Brody. In a few months. Did I forget to tell you?”
I don’t recall the exact details, but I do believe that at this time she just walked away, shaking her head, probably questioning the Lord Above on just what she did, exactly, to end up with me.
After our “wedding” the emails came to a stop, until September 11, 2005, when they sent me a beautiful note wishing me a Happy First Anniversary and urging me to sign up for TheBump.com, their site dedicated to all things mommy.
I politely declined. A fake wedding with a TV star is already pushing it, but I think registering an imaginary fetus might have just crossed the line a little too far.
And that’s that. My first engagement. I just tried to log back into TheKnot but I can’t remember any of my login info, boo. Probably best NOT to reopen that Pandora’s Box. Adam and I have been happily married for going on 8 years now!
Here is a beautiful candid photo of us taken this summer at our lake house. OH how we laugh!
We’ve had our ups and downs but, as Ben Affleck said, “It is work. But it is the best kind of work, and there’s no one else I’d rather work with.” (AAAND I just typed that from memory, I need to reevaluate how I use my brain cells.) I know it looks like he’s been stepping out with Blair Waldorf lately but do not believe the paparazzi. They are JUST FRIENDS.