My friends, hello! How was everyone’s week! Mine was not too bad! Great news for all, after last week’s hungover hoagiefest of a Friday, I’m back in business with some stories to share. So let’s get to it.
Here’s what was keeping it awkward this week:
Ok, that’s the Almay professional shot of my preferred eyeliner because I couldn’t take a good photo of the stuff, but here’s the tale. On Tuesday morning I was putting my makeup on and somehow got a streak of eyeliner across my nose. Like, down the side, around the front, basically just all over my nose. I don’t know why, suddenly, after 15 years of wearing makeup, plus that one secret year when I wasn’t allowed to wear it and I’d sneak it on in the locker room after gym class, secret’s out, Mom, I suddenly find myself unable to apply the stuff without getting it all over my face/hair/clothes/mirror. I’m a mess.
I totally meant to remove the eyeliner streaks from my nose before leaving the house, but my roommate was in the bathroom where I stash my face wash and eye makeup remover, and somehow I just, well, I guess I forgot. So I walked to the train, waited for the train and rode 6 of the 10 stops towards my destination without a further thought. At Franklin Street, in the trendy downtown Manhattan neighborhood of Tribeca a stylish, gorgeous woman boarded the train and I was straight up checking her out. She was rocking that style where she was wearing tall, high-heeled boots and a skirt that was sort of long, so that the boots came up under the hem. It’s a look I always wish I could wear, but I can’t, so I resort to jeggings and keds, but girl was pulling. it. off.
She caught eyes with me and for some idiot reason I thought she was acknowledging me as like, a style equal, a similarly hot gal making every other passenger on the uptown 3 train jealous. But then she opened her mouth to speak and instead of saying like “great purse” or “is your hair naturally curly?” she very kindly, but slightly condescendingly whispered: “you have something on your face.”
I of course caused a huge scene and basically yelled “Oh my god, I know! I totally meant to wash that off. Thank you! I really like your coat.” She quickly moved to stand on the other side of the train.
Come back and be my best friend! I really do like your coat!
Related: That eyeliner is specially formulated, allegedly, to “bring out the hazel” in my eyes. I am the target market for specialty products designed to upgrade my very own features. I will buy literally anything if it is marketed as special for curly hair or hazel eyes or vampire pale skin. I KNOW it is just marketing mumbo-jumbo and they repackage the same stuff under different labels to make us all feel like beautiful individual butterfly snowflakes but I can not help myself. Do you fall for those things too?? Tell me I’m not the only one.
It is mine and it is Chanel! Just kidding, it is almost certainly from Kohls. I have a classier big girl wallet, but due to a really boring story about a broken purse, which I won’t force you to sit through, I’ve been using this lil guy for the last few weeks. I have a really bad habit of taking it out of my bag whenever I need my work ID or some coins for the soda machine and then just tossing it on my desk and forgetting about it. Last Friday night I met Brian and a friend for happy hour after work and as we were sorting out the check, I reached into my purse and: no wallet. I could instantly visualize right where I had left it, on the corner of my desk. BLERGH.
I keep everything I need in there: credit cards, photo ID, metro card, everything, and knew I couldn’t go the weekend without it so I left the boys at the bar and ran out the door. Luckily my office was just a few blocks away, so with my expert powerwalking skillz I was there in minutes. After 7 PM you can’t get in without an ID and, of course, mine was upstairs, so I had to plead the door man, who totally knows me, to let me in. He acted like he’d never seen me a day in his life before and sent me over to building security who sent me BACK to the doorman who finally remembered that we talk every single day and called the guy who specifically patrols my company’s section of the building to come and fetch me.
I have this really bad like, upstairs/downstairs guilt associated with our building maintenance and cleaning staff which I KNOW is really pretentious and rude and condescending and #1percentproblems, but I am a horrible person, so now you all know. I just can’t help feeling really guilty and weird sometimes – I have such an easy, dumb life and there is a woman who spends her evenings cleaning up all the food I spill on my floor and that makes me feel uncomfortable. So of course when our security guy comes to let me in, I become overwhelmed with this sense of anxiety that he works so hard and I’m just running around and going to happy hour and here he is working until midnight on a Friday so he can let in any morons who can’t remember to pack their bags correctly. On top of all of this, this guy is incredibly nice, but not much of a chatter, so what do I do in this situation? I start to talk.
He rode four floors in the elevator with me, which seemed to last a lifetime.
I asked him how late he was working (“midnight.”) how his day had been, (“fine, thank you.”) and if he was excited for the weekend (“of course.”) and then just started word vomiting all over the elevator:
“I can’t believe I forgot my wallet! It’s so small, and I always forget it and I took it out to get a Diet Coke earlier today, do you like Diet Coke, I love it I know it’s bad for me but I love it so much, so I bought some and totally forgot to put my wallet back and then I met my boyfriend for happy hour and realized I didn’t have any money! So I just left him there and came back here. I mean, he picked up the check and would totally pay for me all weekend if I needed it, he’s a really nice guy, he wasn’t like ‘Go get your wallet and pay for this drink!’, how horrible would that be, no he’s really super nice, but I needed my metrocard and stuff so now I’m here. Getting my wallet. I’m sorry you have to work until Midnight. Oh look, here we are at my office, there’s my wallet….oh, you’re running away down the hall forever the end.”
Shut up, shut up, shut up!!
Please note that I had one drink during happy hour so this was not at all alcohol-induced, juuust my regular personality. If I’m ever captured by enemies and being tortured for information, all they’ll need to do is put me in a room with a silent person who seems disinterested in my charming personality and I will sing like a bird.
I know I’ve gone like 3 whole weeks without talking about my bowel problems, but during that time I’ve been attempting to regulate my body by trying out different diets I find on the internet. And never calling a doctor, obviously, why would I do that? This week I was attempting something called “Extreme Elimination” recommended by a doctor who sometimes goes on Good Morning America, so you know she’s legit. Basically all I could eat all week was white rice, plain chicken and potatoes. It was miserable. On Tuesday, I went to a buffet luncheon for work and from platters of pasta salads and sandwiches and goodies, all I could eat was a few pieces of sad chicken. OF COURSE someone at my table asked me what was up with my meal (leave me alone!) but I came prepared with a stock answer (“I’m testing for food allergies, so on a limited diet this week.”) and was able to avoid awkward word vomit like the above mentioned incidents.
Later I came back to work and was confronted with THIS spread of deliciousness, home baked by one of my colleagues, but I stayed strong.
And then last night I went to an open bar, free appetizer work function and abandoned the whole thing completely.
BUT! I also made an appointment with a nutritionist for 9 AM Monday morning so I am finally being serious about my health. Yay.
And that is your monthly update on Liz’s intestinal problems, you are SO welcome.
And that’s that! Anyone have anything good planned for the weekend? I need to do some serious laundry, hopefully file my taxes and maybe, if I’m feeling sassy, do a little yoga. Prepare myself for my new holistic health centered lifestyle!
I hope everyone has a lovely weekend with no gross or upsetting digestive malfunctions and I’ll see y’all on Monday! xoxo Liz Ho