Another Awkward Week [2.8.13]

Good news, everyone! It is Friday and I am still alive. I don’t want to get too cocky but I think the chunky garlic juice worked. Medical miracles y’all.

Well, I’m still not feeling 100% and miiiight call an actual doctor today, like a responsible human, or I might just lay around and complain about how tired I am. Good news is: it looks like I’ll have a nice, lazy ol’ weekend.  Nemo Comin’! Per this New York Magazine article, NYC could get anywhere from zero to 38 inches of snow today into tomorrow — a totally reasonable range that does not at all sound like something I’d make up as a hilarious exaggeration for a blog joke. More serious weather pundits are now saying we’re due for somewhere closer to a foot. I’m so ready. Stuck inside all weekend with nothing to do but drink wine and lay around and catch up on Nashville? Well don’t mind if I do.

Now without further ado, here’s what was keeping it awkward this week.

These People:

Because you guys, I have a confession: I like New Girl! AAAH. Backstory: I have a general distaste for Zooey Deschanel in that terrible girl-on-girl hate kind of way, I just find her insufferably chipper and twee and obnoxious and also I’m crazy jealous that SHE’S the gal who gets to wear the “adorkable” crown and represent awkward girls everywhere and all guys want to sleep with her even though she’d probably narrate the entire sex act in song accompanied by a ukulele and match  her hair bow to her lingerie and where’s MY TV SHOW??? So yeah, I’d been avoiding New Girl like the plague, even after cool people, people whose TV tastes I trust, told me over and over that I’d like it. I held strong, I did! But suddenly this weekend I found myself compelled to watch just one episode on Hulu and then just one was eight was two seasons and now I’m in love.

I don’t even know what I stand for anymore. All of my principles and values, gone. Is this who I am, in the post 30 Rock world?

This Gate:

This is one of three turnstiles that everyone must pass through when going in and out of my office building. Those metal arms in the middle swing both ways, depending on if you’re coming or going, and every now and again they go a little haywire. Tuesday I left the office around 10:30 AM, due to my deadly illness. I went to exit through one of the turnstiles, but instead of swinging out to let me through, the arms swung back towards me, trapping me where I stood. I backed away to allow them to cool off and right themselves. They swung back to their center resting spot and then opened forward as I approached, only to wildly swing back towards me, slamming me on the thigh and trapping me in their embrace.

I yelped. People saw. I have a giant bruise the color, size and shape of a large eggplant on my upper left thigh. SMOOTH MOVES.

Speaking of yelping and scene causing…

This Mess:

I usually eat lunch at my desk because I have a sad and dismal life and also we don’t have a work kitchen where people can sit down like civilized human beings and enjoy a meal. Monday I was starving, as always, and was shoveling my leftover black bean chili (recipe here – so recommended!) in my piehole with such intense vigor that the force of my spoon actually FLUNG my tupperware container right off the desktop and all over my floor slash dress.

As the soup flew off of my desk in dramatic slow motion I yelled “Oh God!” so loudly that a passing colleague stopped to check in on my well being. NOTHIN TO SEE HERE. Keep on moving.

Lucky for me the tupperware landed bottoms up, so I was able to salvage some of the remains of the soup. Tiny victories.

What else is under my desk (aside from the now permanent chili stains), as long as we’re down there? Let’s take a look!

This Ikea Bag:

Full of old clothes. I brought this into work right before I moved to my current apartment, intending to then sell them to a thrift store or something. This was 1.5 years ago. Still there.

Two Rolls of Wrapping Paper:

Sure. Why not.

This Charger:

To an old cell phone. Necessary.

Five Pairs of Shoes:

Those black boots have been re-soled probably 8 times and then last winter one of the heels just fell right off while I was walking to lunch one day. They’re unsalvagable and have been sitting literally right next to a garbage can for over a year now and yet I have not physically placed them in said garbage can to get rid of them. WHYYYYY.

And finally, wait for it, waiiiiit for itttt….

This Wig:

Part of a Halloween costume from like 4 years ago (sassy grannies on their way to Atlantic City), I’ve been storing this gem under my desk for some reason. Why don’t I wear this every day?

The sad part is, that is totally what my actual hair would look like if I cut it short. Let this be a reminder to me should I ever decide to go for that classic Mom style. Future Liz, you are can NOT pull this off.

The end! Wasn’t that a fun tour of the disgusting place where I spend approximately 80% of my waking hours? Am I going to clean out under there now that I’ve revealed my dirty secrets to the world? Not a chance!

I hope everyone has an absolutely delightful weekend. If you’re in the path of the Snowacane, be safe! And if you live somewhere other than the East Coast, well, you be safe too. Everyone be safe! Buckle up! Don’t drink and drive. Condoms every time! Wear a helmet! Read instructions before assembling any construction projects. Don’t operate heavy machinery after drinking cold syrup. Just…be safe.

xoxo Liz Ho