As I Lay Dying, or One Awkward Home Remedy

My friends, I must ask for forgiveness if I’m missing a bit of my usual joie de vivre  this week, I am dying. Just kidding, I’m fine but I do have either the flu OR a mild case of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Or a cold. Or Dengue Fever. Or I just need to catch up on sleep. So many things are wrong with me, who even knows what’s up.

It’s just, the last few days I have been so tired.The sleepiest of sleepy bears. All I want to do is sleep and sleep and sit on the couch and SLEEP.

The whole of last weekend I was down for the count. On Friday night, Brian and I went to bed at 10 PM. And I don’t mean “went to bed,” wink, high five, I mean flannel pajamas, lights out, low five, I can’t lift my arm because I am sleeping went to bed. Saturday I was so low energy I could barely make it through dinner – we were at a BBQ restaurant in the Brooklyn neighborhood of Park Slope called Pork Slope and I nearly passed out in my brisket. Clearly something is amiss if I can’t enjoy myself at a joint whose schtick is pork and puns.  This bout of intense lethargy and exhaustion followed me into the work week, and yesterday I went home early to try to sleep it off.

I’m really, really hoping this is just a bit of a sleepy streak and nothing more serious (the killer flu is still on the loose!) but just in case, I’m fighting disease with nature.

Something I’ve been weirdly into lately is homeopathic remedies. I know that’s really very trendy and faddish right now, but I’m into it. I like to imagine I’m giving myself the same herbal cures that Ma Ingalls might have prescribed to the girls. Which I guess didn’t really work out that well for them, Mary did go blind after all, but so be it. I’m livin’ natural, my friends.  My method is no method, which is to say that I don’t really follow one prescriptive theory or anything. First I just self diagnose on WebMD and then I search around for home cures for whatever aliment it is I think I’ve developed and try whichever ones seem most popular and/or interesting. I’ve been drinking a lot of apple cider vinegar. This afternoon I put hydrogen peroxide in my ears and walked around with my head sideways so it wouldn’t drip out. Is any of it working? Probably not, but it makes me feel like a really hip, bad ass, disease fighting super hero.

My newest concoction is this immune boosting juice that I created by taking all of the most frequently recommended items that result from the Google search “Foods To Prevent The Flu” and whipping them up into one delightful treat.

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Hot water, lemon, honey, ginger, garlic and cayenne pepper.

It is disgusting! But in a really awesome, zesty, sinus-clearing way. It’s simple to make: in my food processor I combine two peeled garlic cloves, a bit of peeled, fresh ginger, a few shakes of the cayenne and the juice from one lemon and then I crush it all up. My FP only has two functions and doesn’t really liquify things, so the garlic and ginger just get kind of chunky, and then I pour into a cup of steaming water, squeeze in some honey until it becomes a really nice yellowish, brownish, snot-like color and voila. Hot, chunky garlic juice. Drink away! It is 100% unappetizing but I do feel slightly better today so who knows. Maybe it worked. Or maybe it was the 14 hours of sleep I logged. Or a combo. I’ll go with combo.

Worship me, I am a healer!

And that’s that. I’m sorry this isn’t terribly funny, but I just knew you all were desperate for a peek into my glamorous and sexy life, so here’s what’s up! Sittin’ on my couch, drinkin’ my chunky flu juice, like a boss. YOLO.

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10 thoughts on “As I Lay Dying, or One Awkward Home Remedy

  1. I would rather go to you than these expensive doctors who can only guess what is wrong with me anyway.
    I either have bronchitis or asthma. Gave me a prescription for a $42 antibiotic that consist of 6 pills. $42?!?!??!?!?!?!?! for generic?

  2. Pingback: Another Awkward Week [5.3.13] | One Awkward Year

  3. Pingback: Another Awkward Week [8.29.14]: I’m Baaaaack Edition | One Awkward Year

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