Friday! Three Day Weekend! Happy Birthday, Martin Luther King!
(Um, that is what MLK day is in honor of, yes? God, I’m such a great American.)
So I was kind of being a crabby bitch all week for no reason in particular, sometimes a lady just wants to be really mean to everyone, ya know? But now I’m better, because I’ve been teabagging. Not THAT kind of teabagging…grow up, everyone. Inspirational teabagging. As you know, I’ve been sloooowwwwwllllyyy weaning (haha isn’t that word gross?) myself off coffee since the start of the new year and am down to one small cup a day and barely any Diet Coke, too! Progress! In place of drinking coffee I’ve been slamming Yogi brand energy teas. Yogi is the best because all of their tea is delicious AND all of the tea bags have little uplifted messages printed on the tags. (hehe!) Yesterday I was reminded that “The purpose of life is to enjoy every moment.” My afternoon tea told me “I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am blissful.”
This morning’s tea told me “The beauty of life is to experience yourself.” I guess they mean something emotional but to me it sounds like they’re talking about masturbation. Racy!
Oh my god why am I so inappropriate this morning?! Let’s cut to the chase and take a look at what was keeping it awkward this week…aside from sexual innuendo tea:
Someone left tons of food in our office kitchen after a lunch meeting, including a full carton of pickles. I proceeded to eat SEVENTEEN. Seventeen. They weren’t even that good, I just couldn’t stop. I love pickles so much. I hope whatever crazy bastard first decided to toss cucumbers into brine (Jebediah Claussen?) won some kind of Nobel Food Prize.
For some reason I am no longer able to apply mascara to my eyelashes without getting it all over the rest of my body. Last week it was in my hair. This week I somehow got it all over my fingers, which led to me smearing it all over my cheeks, which led to me taking this hideous self portrait in the locker room of the gym while other ladies stared at me like I was a freak of nature. I’m beginning to think they were right…
This Bloody Mary:
I don’t know how Don Draper does it, you guys. I had one cocktail over lunch and was basically catatonic at my desk for the rest of the afternoon.
And finally, the gemmiest of gems:
My best friend was in town last weekend and we discovered the greatest smart phone app ever created, the Tyra Banks Smize Yourself App. For those of you unfamiliar with Smizing it is a term created by American Genius Tyra Banks that means Smiling with your Eyes. Sm…izing. This app, which is currently only available for iPhones and costs 99 cents is the best 99 cents a person could spend. Clearly. Just take a selfie, press a button and the app smizes for you.
We look like we’re auditioning for Jupiter’s Next Top Model.
And that was the week! I hope everyone enjoys the long weekend, and if you don’t have Monday off, enjoy the regularly sized weekend and also your company sounds pretty racist. And no matter what, remember:
You are beautiful.
You are bountiful.
You are blisssful.
xoxo! Liz Ho