The Social Jungle: Clever Commodes

This weekend I was in Houston, Texas (gun show recap to come, I promise!) and found myself at a local watering hole directly following a several hour open bar rehearsal dinner, so you might say I was mildly to extremely in the sauce. While there I stumbled upon one of my greatest real-world peeves – I didn’t want to forget to blog about it, so I tried to make a note for myself  in my new phone but I don’t know how to use it yet, so I just emailed myself the following message, while on the john:

Complain a.out bar bathroom names, or squatters and standers

Made a LOT of sense in the light of day.

So here we are – Social Jungle Week 2, brought to you by the letter P, which is what I was doing when I came up with the idea: Clever Commodes.

It is considered common courtesy in our modern world that most public venues will have separate bathrooms for men and for women, so that women don’t have to smell men’s gross poops and men don’t have to stand in line for 45 minutes while their female counterparts take for-fucking-ever to pee. In and out, gals, in and out. Sometime over the last hundred years or so, I don’t really research these pieces, just complain, some jerkwad decided it wasn’t enough to just label these rooms Men and Women. Oh no. We had to get cute.

Lads & Lasses, Sheilas & Blokes,  Dames and Dukes,  Boys & Gulls, the particular bar that inspired this labeled their bathrooms Standers and Squatters (Um, ew) and some places just use pictures, for crying out loud!

Listen, we all know I love a pun as much or more as the next gal but there is a time and a place. A bar bathroom is not one of them. If I’m at a restaurant or pub and have been eating and drinking for a while, the last thing I want to spend my time doing is figuring out whether I’m a picture of a rooster or a hen before I can go potty. This is not clever – in fact, it is dangerous.

One time in college I was like, sporadically making out slash totally obsessed with this guy I worked with and we went to trivia night with a bunch of his friends who I didn’t really know. It was an Irish bar so the bathrooms were labeled in Galeic – Fir, which means men and Mna, which means women but looks EXACTLY like the word men. I took an educated guess on which was which, and guessed wrong. And oh, I didn’t just walk in on any old fir at the urinal, but opened the door to see my makeout buddy’s best friend with his drawers unzipped taking a mighty piss. There are some thing you can’t unsee, friends. And this was one of them.

So, my sweet Standers & Squatters, I ask you: if I made a petition to ban clever commodes, would you sign it? If not, tell me your very best clever bathroom label idea – if it’s good enough, you might just change my mind.


13 thoughts on “The Social Jungle: Clever Commodes

  1. Sometimes I like to see how clever an establishment can get….but only if I don’t need to actually use the facilities… or if there’s also a picture to go underneath, just in case. Also, I HATE how long it takes some dolls/chicks/ squatters/ladies to pee! I’m out standing in line a half an hour long and men are walking in and out like it’s their job! I’m with ya on the “in and out, gals”

  2. I would definitely sign.
    There are some areas innovation is just not required. Especially in bars when you have to stumble to the facilities only to stand outside staring at the signs for a full five minutes before you can figure out which is which and witch is witch’s cat 🙂

  3. I was claimed victim in the war against clever commodes by an Irish Bar as well! I was the level of drunk one can only achieve in an Irish Pub, and followed the deceptive F…into a room full men achieving racehorse status. I would definitely sign.

  4. I have walked into the wrong bathroom after misunderstanding a sign/picture on more than one occasion. But the WORST place I ever went to had this massive, dimly lit with black and red tiles communal wash area with an island of sinks in the middle, meaning you had to awkwardly try to avoid eye contact with the man standing across from you washing his hands. They also had the toilet entrances all but hidden behind tetris-style walls and it was super easy to accidentally go into the men’s. :/

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