It’s been an annoying morning. Some of the issues are all on me – like spending time shaving my legs only to wear pants, ugh – but other issues like the rain or the man who came to a dead standstill immediately upon entering the subway, disabling me from fully entering the car and causing my purse to get stuck in the closing doors are totally not my fault and therefore I will sit here and complain.
And so, in honor of this crabapple of a day, a not nearly complete list of minor offenses that throw me into a blind rage:
When people don’t clear the microwave timer after heating up their food. There is a clear/reset button for a goddamn reason. I once had to have a sit down discussion with a roommate to say “it’s not you, it’s definitely me, but if you continue to leave three seconds on the timer every time you make a bag of popcorn I will murder you in your sleep.” I can barely walk past the office kitchenette without having a full-on panic attack. I’ll be honest, microwave time erasure is the least of our shared kitchen etiquette issues but is it THAT HARD to clear the time?
When full-blood American people pronounce ethnic foods with a foreign accent. I don’t mean to sound all Michelle Bachman or whatever, but this is America and here in America it is called maatzarellah. Not Mootzarellll. Croissants are not cwah-sawwwhs they are crah-sants. I understand there is a desire to preserve, or dare I say, show off, one’s heritage but just cool it. I’m super Irish but you don’t hear me ordering like, “a pint ‘o guinness for me fine leprechaun friend’ every time I’m in a bar. Just call it rah-cahhh-tta. Please.
When “friends” make a big scene of their engagement on le Facebook but DON”T make an easily searchable public wedding page for me to judge. I’m a snarky, unmarried lady with exquisite taste in all things and absolutely no hobbies. Give me something to doooo!
When men sit widely spread eagled on the subway taking up two seats. I understand the nature of the male anatomy but I highly, highly doubt it is so big as to disable you from closing your legs. And if it is that gigantic, Mazle Tov! Stand up and show it off to the whole train so I can sit down and do my crossword puzzle.
Ok, enough venting for one day. I’m feeling better already! Who or what is making you mad today? C’mon, let it out. You know you want to!