A pet peeve of mine is when people endlessly talk about the weather. (Others include not clearing the microwave timer after you’re done cooking, misuse of the term “OCD” and people who don’t own TV’s). This especially bothers me on Facebook, endless newsfeed updates displaying the 10 day forecast or giving minute-by-minute temperature updates. Buncha Al Rokers over here! We get it, it’s the weather, MOVE ON.
But every now and again, Mother Nature really steps up her game and just refuses to be ignored. A bitch after my own heart! This week was one of those times. Temps across the country have risen above 270 degrees and New York City has turned into a hazy, humid, rotting island full of garbage. My apartment has no air-conditioning and exposed brick walls. Charming detail, to be sure, but also not the best for keeping cool. I was always curious what life must be like for brick oven pizzas. Now I know how they feel.
Thanks to this scorching heat, I haven’t slept in weeks. I have a great fan but with temps at 8 zillion it just blows hot air. Another thing I’ve always wondered is what it would be like to sleep with a dragon breathing over my bed, and now I know how that feels too.
Sorry to see me so uncomfortable, B, my wonderful gentleman friend (barf, I know) suggested I try putting my bed sheets in the freezer before getting into bed. He heard this tip from a strange man in line at a South Philadelphia UPS depot so you know it’s gotta be legit. I was dubious but so, so desperate so I immediately ripped those bad boys right off the bed and shoved them up in there. (That’s what she said?)
All the essentials!
B’s lucky he’s so cute (stilllll barfing!) because his lil tip was a total failure. I think maybe you’re supposed to put them in a bag or protective cover of some kind? I left them in for about 45 mins and when I pulled them out, most of the fabric just felt normal, except for small patches covered in a thin film of ice which promptly melted the second I laid my hot bod (literally hot, figuratively just sort of meh) down on them. My pillowcase had an actual ice cube attached to it, which was both delightful and a scary visual of how messy and disgusting our freezer is. Also, now my dirty bed sheets have rubbed against all of our foods … freezing kills germs, yes? Yes, let’s go with that.
Despite an initially unsuccessful run, I refuse to give up. Those guys on Appollo 13 refused to quit austronauting until they made it back to Earth and I, Liz Ho, refuse to stop freezing my linens until I find a way to make it work. Here’s what I’m thinking. I spritz them verrry lightly with cool water and then they will stay frozen and feel great when I lay on them and yes, they will surely melt, but it is so hot that it will immediately evaporate and be dry again. This will definitely work. I was an A++ science student, obviously. I’m also thinking maybe I need to just leave them in longer, like all day while I’m at work? Or, maybe I should just put the sheets in the freezer, take that bottle of vodka out of the freezer, and chug it all and just see what happens?
I welcome any suggestions you might have but until them, I think I’ll go with option C.