One Awkward Technological Update

Really exciting news, everyone – I bought a new computer! After 8 years of working on the same decrepit machine I’m finally crawling into the 21st century.

Quick, fascinating backstory: When I graduated from HS I got a computer as a graduation gift and I got to pick what I wanted. First I was like “No thanks, I’ll just take an abacus” – I’m not that into technology– but then came around and settled on a Dell Desktop because I thought desktops were better for like, typing or something? Really can’t recall why I went for that. But then I went to college and all my multicultural friends were sitting on the quad in the autumn leaves with their portable computers and I was at my desk, alone thinking: “I have made a huge mistake” (© Gob Bluth, 2003).

So that summer I placed a classified ad in the local newspaper and sold my desktop to a really nice Mennonite family and used the cashmoney to buy myself a laptop. Now this was like way back in the day, even before the original iPhone, so basically dinosaur times, and wireless internet wasn’t really a “thing” yet. So when the Best Buy salesman asked me if I wanted to add wireless connection for just $40 bucks more or whatever, I was all “I’m sorry, do I look like some yuppie douchebag who sits in Starbucks blogging all day?” and declined the wireless offer. Oop! Wrong again! (© Rafiki, 1994). By literally the day after I bought the laptop, wireless internet was everywhere and then came iPhones and Pads and all that shit and there I was, strapped to my desk with an 85 pound beast that had to be plugged into both the wall and the internet router if I wanted to do anything at all – which was particularly sad, considering what did I grow up to become, but a yuppie douchebag who would love nothing more than to sit in Starbucks blogging all day. And now I finally can!

The main reason I got the laptop was so I could carry it to my sah-weet work study job, which was the super cool, highly-coveted position of Residence Hall Desk Assistant. In case the title isn’t explanatory enough, this job involved sitting at the desk of a resident hall and monitoring who went in and out of the building. It actually wasn’t terrible, you could watch DVD’s on your computer (hence the new purchase) and get homework done and working the late night/early AM shifts was an excellent time to pinpoint and silently judge all the sluts. I worked in a freshman dorm so it was pretty just sluts galore. Great times!

The very bestest thing about this job was that it allowed you to creep on the residents and also to pretend they were your friends. I’m super positive that all the resident sluts laughed at my jokes because I am genuinely great and funny, and not just so I wouldn’t report them for sneaking in booze.

That first year I worked there, sophomore year, there was this one resident, who I forgot about until just now, but I was IN LOVE with him. His name, I’m like 98% sure, was Scott. (I want to say Scott Hamilton, but I think that’s actually the figure skater with ball cancer?) He was really tall and had this very floppy, Rider Strong circa 1997 hair cut and he was always super nice to me and I thought he was just the cats PJ’s. We flirted all year long (and by “we” I mean I and by “all year long” I mean in my imagination) and then one night late in the spring semester, I confessed my true feelings to him at the local underage drinking establishment, Swallow at the Hallow. I very adorably, I’m sure, told him how cute I thought he was and about the crush I’d been nurturing and then I’m pretty sure he was about to get down on one knee to propose to me, but he never got the chance because my body chose that exact moment to regurgitate the 5 cranberry & vodkas that had just been poured down its gullet…all over the floor in front of my beloved.  A friend of mine ran over and held an empty plastic cup under my mouth and I just stood there, spewing bright red, liquid vomit like that girl from the exorcism. It was gorgeous. But he was still so nice – I think he got me pretzels and maybe like, patted me on the head, or something? Then the next day I apologized to him at 8 PM Mass, which I think is just a really excellent example of how COLLEGE! life worked when you went to a Jesuit school.  A few days later, on the last day of school, he gave me a good-bye hug at my mailbox, which was right next to the on-campus Taco Bell and then I left to study abroad and I never saw or heard from or thought of him again until right now. Oh, Scott! A love story for the ages!

Anywaaaay, long story short: I bought a desktop and then I sold it and then I bought a laptop and then I fell in love and then I puked and then I kept the same computer for a billion years until last week, when I bought a new one! Cool! My fancy newfangled machine has everything – a CD burner, a calculator, Microsoft Word. It even has a webcam so I can start doing sexy, naked internet stuff! JK, JK. (Unless Scott’s reading this? In which case I could totally make that happen, if you’re into that sort of thing. I never stopped loving you, Scott!) Most importantly, my new baby comes wireless ready, which means I can now blog from anywhere – Starbucks, an airplane, a sandbox, my bathtub, a gothic castle, the set of the show Castle, a water park, South Carolina, Old Navy…you get the point.

And if this rambling, insane, ultimately pointless post proves one thing, it’s that more blogging is just what we need!