Hi everyone. I’m VERY stressed out right now. You all remember The HoBags, of course. (Hiiii Ron Livingston!!) Well, they have a big, big weekend ahead and I’m just so nervous for my boys. We started out strong, leading the league for several weeks, but hit a rough patch towards the end of the season. Who’s to say where it went wrong – was it my fault, for that one time I accidentally started half a team on bye weeks, and we lost to the last place team? Was it Dez Bryant’s fault, for choking under pressure? Was it Greg Olsen’s fault for being a fucking terrible tight end? Maybe it’s a little bit of everyone’s fault – there’s no I in TEAM, after all – but I’m still placing most of the blame on Olsen. I mean, I don’t actually know what a tight end does, but I don’t think you’re doing it right, Greg!!
No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You had an off week, followed by another off week, but you’ve got a lot of heart, kid, and you’re as valuable as any of the other players (except for all of the other players, zing!) and I need you to play your best this week. Because the HoBags are in the Playofffssss.
And we are ranked to lose
This is a really big moment for me! Shockingly, I’ve never exactly excelled at anything athletic. Well, I was voted MVP of the soccer team in high school…the JV team, that is. “Congratulations, you are the best of all of the worst players on our team!” Once, my coach actually told me that my role as lead bench warmer was as valuable as playing in the game. “You’re just so spirited and enthusiastic. No need to put your cleats on, you won’t be going in.” And, even though I now know that spirit and enthusiasm are much more important life skills than kicking a ball really hard, that was some pretty tough criticism for an overachieving 17-year-old to handle. (Also, Backup Quarterback Carson Palmer, if you’re reading this, I meant what I said this morning. I really do value your spirit and enthusiasm on the bench! And no, you still can’t play.)
So, anyway, because I’m such a neurotic weirdo, still recovering from a lifetime of athletic rejection, I’m placing a lot of unrealized dreams in the hands of my Fantasy Football team. I really want to win this thing. But, also, I’m being such a girl about it. I have a hard time dropping or adding players, not just because I don’t know how to do a waiver-trade (that’s a thing, right?), but also because I can’t stand the thought of breaking up the crew.
“I know he might be up against a tough defense this week, but I just can’t not start Rashard Mendenhall. He’s just been so good to me this year, played so hard for me, I can’t betray him like that.”
Um…Rashard Mendenhall doesn’t know you, Liz. Nor does he play well for the HoBags, which is just an imaginary team ranked by some sports nerd out in internet world. He plays well for the Pittsburgh Steelers – because he loves competition, and money, and banging chicks (probably? That’s what sports are about, right?), but as far as the HoBags are concerned, well, I don’t think he knows they exist.
And yet…and yet. I just can’t let him go. So he’ll be starting this week, along with the rest of my original lineup, including potentially still injured tight end Zach Miller (which means, whoops, Greg Olsen, looks like you’re cut after all…). This may make us underdogs, but so were the Mighty Ducks, and I think we all know how that turned out.
Go get ’em, boys!