Whoa, I know this isn’t a TV blog but did everyone watch Mad Men last night? Insaaaaaane! And sometimes awkward! This is a Spoiler Alert, and a request: if, in the future, I’m dating a very nice, intelligent doctor lady who’s basically cool and wild in the sack, but always busts my balls about “coming clean with my past” and “getting my head out of the sand” and you realize I’m about to go off to DisneyLand with my sexy if horse-mouthed secretary, with whom I’ve already had an in-office sexual tryst while dating the ball-buster, please try to remind me to dump Dr. LampBreaker before my flight departs cuz you just KNOW that Secretariat (get it? her teeth?!) and I are toooooootes going to b-o-n-e in our swanky LA hotel while my emotionally disturbed, now fluent in French, children sleep right next door, and then I’m probably going to propose to her with the engagement ring once given to my dead BFF by her hubby whose identity I stole after he straight up blew himself to smithereens in a war trench, and it would just be really nice to have the whole breakup with Hot Doctor out of the way ahead of time so I don’t have to call her on the telephone after I get back and have the old “Who me? Avoiding you? Never! Let’s go to Starbucks, I’m engaged to my secretary and plan on never speaking to you again, so frappuchinos are on me!” conversation. I mean, if Don Draper who does literally everything better than any other man on earth (except marriage, parenting, truth-telling), can barely handle the awkwardness of the situation, just imagine how I’d fare! Horrifying.
So thanks, in advance, for helping me through this situation, which I’m sure will definitely happen to me and probably all of us at some point in our lives together. Also, sorry for the spoilers and sorry to all of our billions of readers who don’t watch Mad Men. Just kidding, not sorry. That show’s the best and you need to reevaluate your life priorities if you’re not watching.
Anyway, I did not come here with the intention of recapping Mad Men in one insane run-on sentence, I came on here to write about microwaves. What a surprise! A completely unrelated topic digressed into a rant about Jon Hamm. Let’s just go ahead and call it a day, shall we?
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