In case anyone is wondering how my online dating is faring, well, it’s just not. Basically, online dating is really time-consuming and, quite frankly, annoying. You can only muster so much energy to e-mail dudes all like, “oh my gosh, you also are a human who eats food and once went on vacation? What a fascinating coincidence!” I mean, honestly I think I would prefer this whole internet dating scenario much more if the internet did all of the actual dating and flirting and stuff and I just stayed at home watching “Real Housewives” marathons and eating pickle spears until someone bought me a diamond ring.* But until they improve robot technology (so close!), I’m stuck sending inane, awkward e-mails or dying alone, my withered, pitiful, lifeless body embalmed in pickle brine.
But! I may have found a loophole. Sometimes, when you’re not even trying, the internet will just bring a man right to your doorstep…er, keyboard. For example, today I was corresponding professionally with a representative of a Catholic publication (one who might run a feature on, say, The Top 20 Rosaries of the Year) and apparently my ground-breaking communication strategy of being nice was misconstrued as some sort of come-on and the innocuous greeting “I hope you had a nice weekend” was met with the response “Oh yes, Saturday was very good — stories I could tell. You would’ve enjoyed it ;)”** and then an invitation to continue our correspondence via personal e-mail.
Wait, I’m sorry, what? Last I checked we were arranging an interview about the early days of Christ (of the Son of God Christs) and now we’re talking weekends and winky faces? By only attending mass once per year for the last 8 years did I miss some integral lesson on Catholic mating rituals wherein the phrase “this confirms tomorrow’s phone interview” was actually an invitation to send sassy emoticons and then utilize our personal e-mails for (post-marital, unprotected) cyber sex?
I really should have paid more attention in Sunday school!
**It’s important to read this in a really low, sexy, come-hither sort of voice, while raising both of your eyebrows in unison.