One Awkward Bathroom Break

My fans! Hello! I have not abandoned you. I’ve been so busy banging hot dudes and training for the 2010 Winter Olympics that I haven’t had a spare moment to blog. Life can be so complex.

You know what else is complex? Using the restroom at the office. You know what I’m talkin ’bout. Everybody poops. I just wish everyone did it at home. In my office we have one ladies room and one mens room for the whole floor. This means that every single person on our floor, from the President of the company through the front desk temps have to share the same john. I ain’t shy about toilet issues (clearly, I’m blogging about it), but there are few things that make me more suicidal than office bathroom interaction.

Below are a few prime reasons why, when I’m President of the United States, I’ll mandate private bathrooms for every person in the world. Or at least at whatever company I happen to be employed:

  • The Same-Time Walk-In: You’re walking down the hall, and end up in-stride with a co-worker (best if a superior). Suddenly you realize you’re both headed for the ladies room. You walk side-by side into the bathroom, making awkward small-talk, trying to think of a way to wrap things up. “Well, good talking to you, Pam, good luck in there!”
  • The Stall-To-Stall Chatter: Even worse than above is the co-worker who wants to chat with you whilst on the loo. There is no need to do business while doing your business.
  • Sink Time: You and a co-worker stand side by side washing up. Who will finish first? You don’t want to seem groady. Just keep scrubbing. If you feel like getting frisky, make some competitive eye-contact in the mirror: “You think you’re more hygienic than me? I dare you to try.”
  • Makeup Time: Nothing says “Hi, I’m desperate and lonely and hoping to get felt up over a free dinner” like applying bronzer by the fluorescent light of the ladies room. No one needs to see that.
  • Anything, ever, involving a high-level boss in the lavatory: There have been times when I’ve purposefully gone to different floors in the building, backtracked on my way to the bathroom, or just plain held it for the rest of the day to avoid having to walk in on my boss applying her lipstick while I’m about to drop a deuce. Kill me.

Other awkward bathroom run-ins include Farting while you pee (it happens!), being on the same schedule (“Oh! You again! Haha!”), having a dude boss and walking out of the ladies room while he walks into the men’s room (Ickyyyy. Boy poop.), carrying supplies for ‘that time of the month’ (eerily reminiscent of Jr. High), and, we can get into this in further detail later, the beer shits.

And on that note, we’re done here.  Who’s glad I’m back?

Had an awkward bathroom run-in? Leave it in the comments! (I’ve always wanted to say that).

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8 thoughts on “One Awkward Bathroom Break

  1. How ’bout when you walk in at the same time as someone, co-worker or otherwise (2 floors of my building share one ladies room), part ways, do your business, and while you’re zipping up you hear them just walk out…sans hand-washing. or worse, you make it to the sink first, and they walk out, while making mirror eye-contact, and choose to go on the merry way sans wash…

  2. About 6 months ago I’m going to the bathroom at work and my boss needs to go at the same time so we’re walking in together. I head into the stall and he goes for the urinal. I’m sitting on the throne and go to grab the TP and I bobble it and it falls out of my hand and rolls out ofthe stall all the way to the sinks and hits my boss (who is washing his hands now) in the foot. He then had to roll up the TP roll again and slide it under the stall to me. That’s my awkward bathroom story.

  3. today actually, a weird older assistant (she has a foreign accent, and not in the “i wanna bang you” kinda way) followed me into the bathroom, chatted me up before hand, then while walking into a stall, and also during a pee sesh. needless to say, i washed and bolted as soon as i could…

  4. I *just* got back from the bathroom, where a co-worker who I never speak to (I don’t even know her name) said, as we sat in our stalls, “I feel like you and I are always on the same pee schedule! Meet ‘ya here in three hours?” Awkward.

    But even more awkward is this one co-worker I have who always brings her phone into the stall and talks on it while she’s doing her business. Occasionally, she’s talking to clients.

  5. I was on the same schedule as someone yesterday and not only was it awkward but it was even more awkward because I was laughing to myself thinking about this post!!

  6. I learned I can never do number twosies in the bathroom on my floor after hearing someone say “Bless you” from inside our office to someone else sitting in the bathroom… that would be one awkward return to the office.

  7. Pingback: One Awkward Birthday | One Awkward Year

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