A Very Merry Christmas and a Happy Apocalypse to you all! Today is my last day, a half day!, in the office before a week-long holiday break. Just 4 hours to go before I meet up with my dear friend for one of my favorite new holiday traditions. We pack ourselves and our overstuffed bags into her tiny red VW beetle and road trip back to PA, blasting Christmas music and stopping just once, in New Jersey to load up on Wendy’s burgers & frostees. This year we’re adding her pet kitten to the mix. Should be a wild ride!
It is also possibly all of our last day on earth, depending on how much trust you want to put in those wacky Mayans. I’ve survived enough End of Days scares (like this one!) to feel confident that this one is a hoax, but the weather out there sure is ominous. Torrential downpour is not really the greatest conditions in which to be lugging two gigantic suitcases + one grocery bag full of bags of potato chips, which seemed like a great idea at the time, what are road trips without chips, but is now seeming a tad superfluous. Also, somehow I managed to walk out the door this morning in this getup:
I look like a bag of Skittles. Bring on the Appocalypse!
Now without further ado, here’s what else was keeping it awkward this week…and this whole holiday season:
Because when I brought her home a few weeks ago she was the beautiful, lush creature you see on your left but after a few weeks at Casa del Hobags, she is the spindly, dead, leafless thing on the right. How was I supposed to know that poinsettias require water to live, just like all other plants on earth? I mean, come on.
Also, fun fact I just learned via WordPress spellcheck – did you know there is no ”t” in the middle of poinsettia? No point, just some poin. WHO KNEW?!
Because I really tried this year to be the kind of thoughtful, with-it gal who sends beautiful holiday cards to all of her loved ones but I just couldn’t get it together. Half a dozen cards in I’d managed to write out three envelopes to incorrect addresses and spell one of my cousins’ names wrong.* So I threw in the towel. If you don’t get a card from me, it’s not that I don’t love you. I do! I’m just lazy. Consider this my Christmas card to the whole world. You’re welcome!
*Don’t worry cousin, I still sent it. You’ll know who you are when you open it!
Because my colleague and I wore matching festive holiday get-ups to the office yesterday. We pretended it was a random coincidence but I am confessing now in front of millions of internet readers: we totally planned it, just for the attention.
(Also I might want to consider making “get longer skirts” a New Years Resolution, yikes.)
This Candy Cane:
Because it is pickle flavored!! And it is DISGUSTING! I love pickles and I love candy canes, but just like two redheads shouldn’t date, these are two things that just shouldn’t mix.
I tricked my roommate into eating it by telling her it was sour apple flavored. MWAHAHAHA!
Just kidding, Santa! I’ve been good!
This Big Box:
Because inside is Brian’s Christmas present! I was so excited to surprise him with his dream gift, a skateboard, until last weekend when he told me he planned to go buy himself a skateboard the following day. What resulted was about 45 minutes of idiotic back and forth, Who’s On First style confusion wherein I tried to dissuade him from doing so without admitting that I’d already purchased one and he became increasingly upset that I wasn’t supporting his dream of learning to skateboard until I finally had to admit what was in the big box. Le sigh. Surprises are for dummies.
He’s going to break his beautiful face and it will be all my fault!
Because Oh My God, have you heard this?? I just discovered it this year, it is even MORE ridiculous than Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer. It’s a song about a Christmas Donkey that sounds like it’s being sung by one of the Mario Brothers.
PS: huge ups to whoever made this music video.
And while we’re on the subject…
This Music Video:
Which was recommended for me after I viewed the Dominic song. An Italian rip-off of Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song, starring a mustachioed finger pupped.
Because I’ve shared it before, but once is never enough. Nothing says Merry Christmas like incestuous sexual tension.
And I’ll leave you here, with that sexy video and a few photos of my landlady’s holiday decor, because I know you’ve been curious! She kind of scaled it back this year, but did add a few pieces of flair:
Front of the house…the dead Halloween pumpkins are a great addition.
Wishing everyone a Very Merry and Very Awkward Christmas.
xo Liz Ho Ho Ho
(only a few more days I can call myself that, I’ma ride it out as long as possible)